"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23
Lately I'm realizing exactly how short I fall...
Life is full of ups and downs. Unfortunately, this semester has consisted primarily of downs for me, and every day feels like a hit or miss. It's discouraging, to say the least. So often I've felt like I have to conduct some extensive search in order to find God in all of this. I know and believe with all my heart that God is "...a very present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1). So why is it that I feel completely abandoned instead of rescued?
I've actually had that question answered in several different ways over the past couple of weeks. Too many for just one blog, in fact, so the rest will have to wait. It's one thing to feel abandoned, but another thing entirely to dwell on the feeling of abandonment rather than the hope we have in Jesus Christ. Well I've been dwelling in the wrong place for far too long. Somehow I got comfortable there. But I wasn't called to be comfortable. "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." - Romans 8:24-25. I can't always see God immediately in the midst of all this, but I believe He is there. And that gives me all the hope I need.
So back to Romans 3...this entire semester, and attempting to fix everything on my own and stay in control has shown me exactly how short I fall from God's glory. By reminding me how weak I am on my own, He's showing me how perfect He is. When I fall, rather than looking at myself or what I've done to deserve it, I'm learning to look up at my Savior and see His power and strength in comparison to my weakness. And every time I remember to look to Him for help first, I always, always find Him.
I've come to accept this season of my life for what it is: a season. Each and every day I'm being challenged to trust God a little bit more. But I find abundant peace in knowing that God is using this season of my life to make me more like Him. I have nothing to fear, the victory is won.
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Heartcry
Jesus,
Savior,
Heavenly Father,
You are good.
You are sovereign.
You are faithful
You are more than my limited human mind
could ever hope to comprehend.
You are everlasting.
You are merciful.
You are just.
You are here.
You are everything I don't deserve.
Your timing is perfect.
Your love is unfailing.
Words do you no justice.
Creation falls speechless at your feet
with even the slightest hint of your glory.
Thank you.
I know you're bigger than this.
I know you're at work in this.
I can't see it sometimes,
but I'll never stop looking.
I feel like I'm as broken as I'll get.
I'm scared.
I'm tired.
I'm weary.
I feel like I'm drowning.
I don't understand it.
But I want this to bring you glory.
Be my joy.
Be my hope.
Give me the strength to endure this.
My life is but a vapor.
This season, even less.
It's so small to you,
but so big to me.
I can't do this alone.
I'm nothing without you.
Please don't let me give up.
I can't see the end of this,
but you do.
Please help me trust that.
I love you.
I need you.
Please come for me.
Amen
Savior,
Heavenly Father,
You are good.
You are sovereign.
You are faithful
You are more than my limited human mind
could ever hope to comprehend.
You are everlasting.
You are merciful.
You are just.
You are here.
You are everything I don't deserve.
Your timing is perfect.
Your love is unfailing.
Words do you no justice.
Creation falls speechless at your feet
with even the slightest hint of your glory.
Thank you.
I know you're bigger than this.
I know you're at work in this.
I can't see it sometimes,
but I'll never stop looking.
I feel like I'm as broken as I'll get.
I'm scared.
I'm tired.
I'm weary.
I feel like I'm drowning.
I don't understand it.
But I want this to bring you glory.
Be my joy.
Be my hope.
Give me the strength to endure this.
My life is but a vapor.
This season, even less.
It's so small to you,
but so big to me.
I can't do this alone.
I'm nothing without you.
Please don't let me give up.
I can't see the end of this,
but you do.
Please help me trust that.
I love you.
I need you.
Please come for me.
Amen
Monday, August 9, 2010
Trusting God
This morning I asked God to teach me something about himself.
Then I opened my Bible and he answered my prayer.
Matthew 8:23-27 tells the story of Jesus calming the storm. I've known this story ever since I can remember, but this time He spoke to me through it.
Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us!! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"
The part of the story that struck me this time was the first thing Jesus said when the disciples came to wake him up.
"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"
It's a pretty heavy question. Why were they so afraid all of a sudden? Jesus was just as much God during that storm as he was when he was healing the sick and casting out demons and preaching to crowds of thousands of people. Simply because the circumstances were different, the disciples lost their ability to trust God because they were too busy looking at the problem, completely forgetting that the solution was asleep in the bottom of their boat.
Unfortunately, I think God has to ask me that same question a lot. Just because I have a lot of unanswered questions or I'm under a lot of stress I seem to forget that God is still just as much God as when I feel like I have everything under control. God doesn't change, my perspective does. And even though it's not always easy, I need to remember to trust him in all things, not just when it's easy.
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. -Isaiah 26:3
Then I opened my Bible and he answered my prayer.
Matthew 8:23-27 tells the story of Jesus calming the storm. I've known this story ever since I can remember, but this time He spoke to me through it.
Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us!! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"
The part of the story that struck me this time was the first thing Jesus said when the disciples came to wake him up.
"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"
It's a pretty heavy question. Why were they so afraid all of a sudden? Jesus was just as much God during that storm as he was when he was healing the sick and casting out demons and preaching to crowds of thousands of people. Simply because the circumstances were different, the disciples lost their ability to trust God because they were too busy looking at the problem, completely forgetting that the solution was asleep in the bottom of their boat.
Unfortunately, I think God has to ask me that same question a lot. Just because I have a lot of unanswered questions or I'm under a lot of stress I seem to forget that God is still just as much God as when I feel like I have everything under control. God doesn't change, my perspective does. And even though it's not always easy, I need to remember to trust him in all things, not just when it's easy.
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. -Isaiah 26:3
Friday, July 16, 2010
Life Jackets
Turns out I have trust issues.
The past couple weeks have been really rough. Between school, moving, stress, people, my health, and about a billion other things I've felt so weighed down and disconnected from God. The frustrating thing is that I know the truth. I know he never leaves me, and I know that even when I can't feel him he's always there. Unfortunately knowledge doesn't always generate feeling. I'd been crying out to God for almost 2 weeks and hearing nothing in return. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. It was more than I could handle and I was ready to give up. I had a million questions that weren't getting answered.
But this morning I finally heard his voice. His sweet, loving, gentle voice. All he said was, "Just trust me."
It was all I needed to hear.
I have this horrible tendency to try to control everything in order to make it work out the way I think it's supposed to. Especially when things get hard, all I can think about is what I need to do to keep it together. Sometimes it gets to the point where the idea of trusting God is the furthest thing from my mind. And when trusting God is difficult, trusting people is even harder. So it typically ends up being this huge, terrible downward spiral and any sense of trust in God takes a backseat to fear and emotion.
But he knows me.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in -- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5
He loves me.
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19
I am precious to him.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17
And he promises to take care of me.
"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." - Isaiah 51:3-5
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; and make rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16
I believe that he has me exactly where I am for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I don't have to. I continue to prove to myself over and over again that I can't do this on my own. It starts to feel like perpetual failure, but that's what makes me human and what makes Him God. I can't do this on my own. I sort of picture it like swimming in the middle of the ocean all by myself. It's overwhelming and pretty much terrifying. I'm kicking and flailing and doing everything in my power to keep my head above the water, when all of a sudden I remember that I've had my life jacket on all along and there was never any reason to panic. I don't have to try to save myself. All I need to do is relax enough to let him hold me up.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
The past couple weeks have been really rough. Between school, moving, stress, people, my health, and about a billion other things I've felt so weighed down and disconnected from God. The frustrating thing is that I know the truth. I know he never leaves me, and I know that even when I can't feel him he's always there. Unfortunately knowledge doesn't always generate feeling. I'd been crying out to God for almost 2 weeks and hearing nothing in return. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. It was more than I could handle and I was ready to give up. I had a million questions that weren't getting answered.
But this morning I finally heard his voice. His sweet, loving, gentle voice. All he said was, "Just trust me."
It was all I needed to hear.
I have this horrible tendency to try to control everything in order to make it work out the way I think it's supposed to. Especially when things get hard, all I can think about is what I need to do to keep it together. Sometimes it gets to the point where the idea of trusting God is the furthest thing from my mind. And when trusting God is difficult, trusting people is even harder. So it typically ends up being this huge, terrible downward spiral and any sense of trust in God takes a backseat to fear and emotion.
But he knows me.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in -- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5
He loves me.
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19
I am precious to him.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17
And he promises to take care of me.
"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." - Isaiah 51:3-5
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; and make rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16
I believe that he has me exactly where I am for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I don't have to. I continue to prove to myself over and over again that I can't do this on my own. It starts to feel like perpetual failure, but that's what makes me human and what makes Him God. I can't do this on my own. I sort of picture it like swimming in the middle of the ocean all by myself. It's overwhelming and pretty much terrifying. I'm kicking and flailing and doing everything in my power to keep my head above the water, when all of a sudden I remember that I've had my life jacket on all along and there was never any reason to panic. I don't have to try to save myself. All I need to do is relax enough to let him hold me up.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thoughts on Sacrifice
Back in the Old Testament times God required sacrifices from his people as a physical sign of repentance. Not because he needed them; because we needed them. Sacrifices were the ultimate expression of repentance and obedience to God. But somewhere along the line they started to become empty and routine; hence the reason we don't chop animals in half for God anymore. Because it's not about the sacrifice in itself. It's about the condition of our hearts.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." - Psalm 51:16-17
I love this.
But it really breaks my heart to realize how easy it is for the things we do "for God" to become empty and routine. Maybe even more so the idea of this mindset that the more a person does "for God" the better their relationship with him is. More isn't always more.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.
TheMill recently did a series called Ordinary that was based out of 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, which says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." The little things matter. Everything is a sacrifice when we actively pursue God in all we do. I'm convinced that God isn't really concerned with the above and beyond. He wants our obedience. He is jealous for our attention. He longs for our worship. And he loves our vulnerability. I believe that when we reach that place of sweet surrender, and all our concerns with anything aside from the Most High finally fade, that's when the greatest sacrifice is made. Then "above and beyond" isn't even above and beyond anymore. It's overflow.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." - Psalm 51:16-17
I love this.
But it really breaks my heart to realize how easy it is for the things we do "for God" to become empty and routine. Maybe even more so the idea of this mindset that the more a person does "for God" the better their relationship with him is. More isn't always more.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.
TheMill recently did a series called Ordinary that was based out of 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, which says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." The little things matter. Everything is a sacrifice when we actively pursue God in all we do. I'm convinced that God isn't really concerned with the above and beyond. He wants our obedience. He is jealous for our attention. He longs for our worship. And he loves our vulnerability. I believe that when we reach that place of sweet surrender, and all our concerns with anything aside from the Most High finally fade, that's when the greatest sacrifice is made. Then "above and beyond" isn't even above and beyond anymore. It's overflow.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Desert Song
Lately I've been feeling a little like things are spinning out of control. I've felt so distant from everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself to nothing in particular. I put so much into school, and on top of that find myself doing most other things simply for the sake of being busy. But where does that leave me? I'm still trying to figure that out. God has been blessing me with so much passion for school and what I'm doing in the hospital. The stress there is pretty minimal too, which is another blessing in itself. Last weekend at Desperation was amazing. God really showed up and spoke to my heart in ways that I hadn't anticipated. But aside from that there's still been something of a disconnect. There are a million things running through my mind right now and unfortunately they're still moving to fast to interpret. Maybe I tend to get content with feeling this way? Or maybe I give up too quick to fight back. Either way, I decided it's not important.
I was listening to Pandora today and Desert Song by Hillsong United came on. The timing was more or less perfect.
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame
The attitude of this song is so beautiful. And unfortunately I've been missing it. Regardless of where I'm at or how I feel I know the Truth. I know that even when I find myself in the desert there's still something to sing about. I just have to keep seeking him despite my circumstances. Because I know he is faithful and he is so worthy. And he promises restoration.
"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it." - Jeremiah 33:6-9
I was listening to Pandora today and Desert Song by Hillsong United came on. The timing was more or less perfect.
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame
The attitude of this song is so beautiful. And unfortunately I've been missing it. Regardless of where I'm at or how I feel I know the Truth. I know that even when I find myself in the desert there's still something to sing about. I just have to keep seeking him despite my circumstances. Because I know he is faithful and he is so worthy. And he promises restoration.
"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it." - Jeremiah 33:6-9
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Short & Sweet
A lot of times I find that distraction and discouragement catch up with me just as soon as I stop expecting them to. It's becoming something of a pattern, and every time I feel like the walls are closing in again and I can't see the way out. Somehow I always seem to forget that it doesn't matter how trapped I feel when the way out is always up.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne." (Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV).
God has been so faithful in reminding me of this. Unfortunately he has to remind me a lot. But he is so patient. Somehow amidst all my worry and over-thinking he loves me enough to remind me to look at Him. Because regardless of the kind of day I'm having, he is good and constant and ready to take whatever I bring Him. And, regardless of the kind of day I'm having, I find it all seems to fade away when I draw near to him. Never fails :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne." (Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV).
God has been so faithful in reminding me of this. Unfortunately he has to remind me a lot. But he is so patient. Somehow amidst all my worry and over-thinking he loves me enough to remind me to look at Him. Because regardless of the kind of day I'm having, he is good and constant and ready to take whatever I bring Him. And, regardless of the kind of day I'm having, I find it all seems to fade away when I draw near to him. Never fails :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wrestling With God
The best way I can describe the past few days would be to say that I've been wrestling with God a little.
Last Friday night at theMILL, Aaron Stern concluded his "I AM" series by speaking about God's jealousy. How God is jealous for all of us, and he's not satisfied with only the parts we decide we're willing to give him. He desires the same level of intimacy with each of us as he had with his Son.
During worship that night, I really felt a tug in my spirit. I felt that God was asking me to fast from dating. My initial reaction was, "Okay, no big deal. I've already been single for a while, so why not." But there was more:
He asked for a year.
Hence came the wrestling. Naturally, I tried to negotiate. Originally, I (very) reluctantly decided that I would fast from dating, but that I wouldn't put a time limit on it. That way everybody wins. Better yet, if I didn't tell anyone, there would be no one to stay accountable to and no timeline to stay committed to in case something changed. (There I go, trying to be in control again).
But I kept praying about it. A lot. I wanted to be willing to give God a year. I mean, after all, his timing's infinitely better than mine. If he's the one asking me to set aside this time, then I can't possibly be missing out on anything more important. The more I prayed, the more clear it became that God really did want a solid, year-long fast. No more holding out, no more wondering, no more worrying. Just give it up.
Ironically enough, it was June 1st when I was finally able to let go and say yes. God finally brought me to the point where I could fully surrender my desire to fall in love, my desire to get married right out of college, and everything else that goes along with that. Now I'm not single due to the circumstances, I'm single by choice. I'm choosing to give God a year of my undivided attention, and I already know that he's going to abundantly bless the time I give him. I really feel like this decision is bringing me into a new season of life, and I can honestly say that I'm so excited to see how He's going to grow me. And I have a feeling it's going to be a beautiful year :)
Last Friday night at theMILL, Aaron Stern concluded his "I AM" series by speaking about God's jealousy. How God is jealous for all of us, and he's not satisfied with only the parts we decide we're willing to give him. He desires the same level of intimacy with each of us as he had with his Son.
During worship that night, I really felt a tug in my spirit. I felt that God was asking me to fast from dating. My initial reaction was, "Okay, no big deal. I've already been single for a while, so why not." But there was more:
He asked for a year.
Hence came the wrestling. Naturally, I tried to negotiate. Originally, I (very) reluctantly decided that I would fast from dating, but that I wouldn't put a time limit on it. That way everybody wins. Better yet, if I didn't tell anyone, there would be no one to stay accountable to and no timeline to stay committed to in case something changed. (There I go, trying to be in control again).
But I kept praying about it. A lot. I wanted to be willing to give God a year. I mean, after all, his timing's infinitely better than mine. If he's the one asking me to set aside this time, then I can't possibly be missing out on anything more important. The more I prayed, the more clear it became that God really did want a solid, year-long fast. No more holding out, no more wondering, no more worrying. Just give it up.
Ironically enough, it was June 1st when I was finally able to let go and say yes. God finally brought me to the point where I could fully surrender my desire to fall in love, my desire to get married right out of college, and everything else that goes along with that. Now I'm not single due to the circumstances, I'm single by choice. I'm choosing to give God a year of my undivided attention, and I already know that he's going to abundantly bless the time I give him. I really feel like this decision is bringing me into a new season of life, and I can honestly say that I'm so excited to see how He's going to grow me. And I have a feeling it's going to be a beautiful year :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wash One Another's Feet
I find it interesting that John is the only gospel writer to record Jesus washing the disciples' feet. The underlying message seems significant enough that at least one other author would have recorded it...but then again John's perspective is also slightly different than the rest. Maybe it's only written once to convey the simplicity of the act? Or perhaps it's so that we don't just write it off as another Jesus story times 4. Regardless, it's beautiful, and God has really been speaking to me through it this weekend.
The simple fact that the living God, the Creator of the universe, and the Savior of all mankind knelt before his disciples to perform the duty of a servant is mind-blowing. Not only was this servants' work, it was a job more or less left to the lowest man on the totem pole (I mean really, feet are gross). But Jesus willingly washed 12 pairs of feet simply to set an example for us.
And yes, I said 12 pairs of feet. Judas Iscariot got his feet washed, too. Jesus was well aware that in a number of hours Judas would betray him. And yet, he still humbled himself to love and to serve him. Amazing.
The part that has really resonated with me the past few days is stated simply in John 13:14:
"Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet."
If Jesus could willingly and lovingly wash the feet of his betrayer, shouldn't we be able to humbly serve the people around us? Sure, it's easy (generally speaking) to serve our friends and loved ones, but we are called to something slightly more challenging and also more fruitful. To love and to serve those who, in our eyes, aren't even the least bit deserving. To humble ourselves to be like Jesus. To love through his eyes. To serve as he served.
I still can't even wrap my mind around it. Jesus, God, Savior....washing feet. Not only that, but asking the same of us. That we humble ourselves to serve one another. In my mind, a servant's heart is one of the most obvious and beautiful signs of true, pure love. The desire to serve overflows out of unconditional love for another. I see it all the time in some of my close friends' relationships and it's beautiful. It's how men and women were created to love each other. But it's more than that. It's how we were created to love God. And in humbling ourselves to serve our Lord and Savior, serving others should immediately follow.
Just something to think about :)
The simple fact that the living God, the Creator of the universe, and the Savior of all mankind knelt before his disciples to perform the duty of a servant is mind-blowing. Not only was this servants' work, it was a job more or less left to the lowest man on the totem pole (I mean really, feet are gross). But Jesus willingly washed 12 pairs of feet simply to set an example for us.
And yes, I said 12 pairs of feet. Judas Iscariot got his feet washed, too. Jesus was well aware that in a number of hours Judas would betray him. And yet, he still humbled himself to love and to serve him. Amazing.
The part that has really resonated with me the past few days is stated simply in John 13:14:
"Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet."
If Jesus could willingly and lovingly wash the feet of his betrayer, shouldn't we be able to humbly serve the people around us? Sure, it's easy (generally speaking) to serve our friends and loved ones, but we are called to something slightly more challenging and also more fruitful. To love and to serve those who, in our eyes, aren't even the least bit deserving. To humble ourselves to be like Jesus. To love through his eyes. To serve as he served.
I still can't even wrap my mind around it. Jesus, God, Savior....washing feet. Not only that, but asking the same of us. That we humble ourselves to serve one another. In my mind, a servant's heart is one of the most obvious and beautiful signs of true, pure love. The desire to serve overflows out of unconditional love for another. I see it all the time in some of my close friends' relationships and it's beautiful. It's how men and women were created to love each other. But it's more than that. It's how we were created to love God. And in humbling ourselves to serve our Lord and Savior, serving others should immediately follow.
Just something to think about :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Fragile
I'm very fragile.
The past few days have been something of a struggle for me. It almost feels like I've lost all the ground I've covered in the past few months and I'm back to square one and crying myself to sleep at night. Yesterday I was completely convinced that it would be easier to just pack up and start over somewhere else. Part of me still wants to.
But God is so faithful.
Tonight was the last show of Desperation Band & Kari Jobe's Heartwork tour. It just happened to be at my home church during the one week I happened to be home. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting God to show up the way he did. I don't even know what I was expecting when I got there. Maybe I was too distracted to really wonder. Regardless, God's presence tonight was absolutely incredible.
I felt Him immediately when the lights went down, before the band even started playing. The words, "in your presence healed and whole" kept replaying in my mind over and over. Lately I've felt so vulnerable and frustrated that it still hurts as bad as it did 3 months ago. But in his presence I am healed and whole. In his presence the brokenness of this life fades away. I experienced that first-hand tonight. I only wish I could put into words the things he showed me. It was amazing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't even ask for it. But he came to my rescue.
Toward the end of the night, Kari called forward all the young adults that felt they were called into the ministry and spoke a word over them. She told them to always, no matter what, remain in the presence of God. Never forget the reason you fell in love with him. Because if you chase him wholeheartedly and always seek his heart, everything else will fall into place. He will take care of the details. God doesn't put a calling on our lives then expect us to figure it out. The most important thing is to remain in him, and he will take care of the rest. It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear.
If anything, tonight helped restart my fire. All I can do is seek God's heart. Lay everything down at his feet (and leave it there). Because losing myself in Him means finding freedom from everything else.
So maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing after all.
The past few days have been something of a struggle for me. It almost feels like I've lost all the ground I've covered in the past few months and I'm back to square one and crying myself to sleep at night. Yesterday I was completely convinced that it would be easier to just pack up and start over somewhere else. Part of me still wants to.
But God is so faithful.
Tonight was the last show of Desperation Band & Kari Jobe's Heartwork tour. It just happened to be at my home church during the one week I happened to be home. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting God to show up the way he did. I don't even know what I was expecting when I got there. Maybe I was too distracted to really wonder. Regardless, God's presence tonight was absolutely incredible.
I felt Him immediately when the lights went down, before the band even started playing. The words, "in your presence healed and whole" kept replaying in my mind over and over. Lately I've felt so vulnerable and frustrated that it still hurts as bad as it did 3 months ago. But in his presence I am healed and whole. In his presence the brokenness of this life fades away. I experienced that first-hand tonight. I only wish I could put into words the things he showed me. It was amazing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't even ask for it. But he came to my rescue.
Toward the end of the night, Kari called forward all the young adults that felt they were called into the ministry and spoke a word over them. She told them to always, no matter what, remain in the presence of God. Never forget the reason you fell in love with him. Because if you chase him wholeheartedly and always seek his heart, everything else will fall into place. He will take care of the details. God doesn't put a calling on our lives then expect us to figure it out. The most important thing is to remain in him, and he will take care of the rest. It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear.
If anything, tonight helped restart my fire. All I can do is seek God's heart. Lay everything down at his feet (and leave it there). Because losing myself in Him means finding freedom from everything else.
So maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing after all.
Monday, May 17, 2010
It's Not About Me
Yesterday I finished my last final of the spring semester. For the first time in about a year and a half I have absolutely nothing I have to do. It's wonderful. Strange, but wonderful. I'm still trying to shake off leftover anxiety and the feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. Because I'm not. For exactly 7 days I am completely free from responsibility. To top that off, I survived my first semester of nursing school! I'm already half way through college!!
But it's not about me.
For the past few months my heart has been heavy and my mind has been spinning uncontrollably, trying to find a place to land my focus. I've felt hurt, forgotten, betrayed, disappointed, lied to, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Usually all at once. My emotions have been dragged up and down and around in circles and pretty much left for dead. The worst part is, it feels like nobody cares. I feel like God has blessed me with abundant patience in this--to forgive, to love, and to offer the benefit of the doubt. But you can only give so much when you're not getting anything in return. I'm not sure if that's selfish or self-preservation, but either way,
it's not about me.
It feels like my entire life is spinning in circles around me and I can't decide where to look first or even what's real. Or maybe I've given up on trying to look altogether. It's too hard and I'm worn out. Things are spinning out of control and I can't keep up. But that's exactly the problem. Here I am, looking at my life and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. How I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to say. Where I'm supposed to go.
It's not about me.
I'm realizing now that I've done a fabulous job of making certain parts of my life bigger than they should be. In doing so, I've given more attention to my problems than I've given to God. So it's time to refocus. Despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, God remains the same. He doesn't go anywhere, it's all about where my focus is. So I'm giving up on trying to keep up.
Because it's not about me. It's about Him.
But it's not about me.
For the past few months my heart has been heavy and my mind has been spinning uncontrollably, trying to find a place to land my focus. I've felt hurt, forgotten, betrayed, disappointed, lied to, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Usually all at once. My emotions have been dragged up and down and around in circles and pretty much left for dead. The worst part is, it feels like nobody cares. I feel like God has blessed me with abundant patience in this--to forgive, to love, and to offer the benefit of the doubt. But you can only give so much when you're not getting anything in return. I'm not sure if that's selfish or self-preservation, but either way,
it's not about me.
It feels like my entire life is spinning in circles around me and I can't decide where to look first or even what's real. Or maybe I've given up on trying to look altogether. It's too hard and I'm worn out. Things are spinning out of control and I can't keep up. But that's exactly the problem. Here I am, looking at my life and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. How I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to say. Where I'm supposed to go.
It's not about me.
I'm realizing now that I've done a fabulous job of making certain parts of my life bigger than they should be. In doing so, I've given more attention to my problems than I've given to God. So it's time to refocus. Despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, God remains the same. He doesn't go anywhere, it's all about where my focus is. So I'm giving up on trying to keep up.
Because it's not about me. It's about Him.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Looking Up
Wow. That's all I can think to say. I'm completely amazed.
I've been reading through the journals I've kept over the past year, and I'm starting to realize exactly how far God has brought me. I guess I didn't even realize til now what bad shape I was in. I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...more than I'm comfortable blogging about, that's for sure. All these experiences just left me emotionally destroyed. I was so insecure. I was terrified of people knowing how insecure I was and that it would ruin all my relationships. I had absolutely no sense of myself at all. I was empty and lost and I was learning to live that way. I wasn't even living; it was more like hiding. Looking back, I realize now that I compromised so much of myself for so long. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it. All I can do is sit here and want to cry.
But that's not the point. Yes, I was in a bad place. Yes, I wasted years of my life in a downward spiral. But look at me now!
Eventually I hit rock bottom. I lost everything. I thought my world had come to an abrupt halt. But it was when I felt like I had nothing left that I was finally able to give it all to God. It's unbelievable what a tight grip I had on all the heartache and pain that was bringing me down in the first place. You'd think that would be the easy stuff to let go of. But I had let it control me for so long that I couldn't even separate myself out anymore. I was identifying myself in everything that had ever hurt me. Thank God I reached my breaking point.
He is so faithful! He's healing me. He's showing me what hurts and he's taking it away. He's helping me find Kaila again. And better yet, I'm finding Him. He brought me to a place of complete surrender, and I couldn't be happier. I wish I had the words to do my feelings justice right now...it's amazing.
The past three months have been something of a blur. I can't even organize my thoughts right now. I don't even completely understand how God turned me around, but he did. And now I feel like I'm sprinting in the opposite direction. The past is finally behind me. I'm not sure what I'm running toward, because I'm choosing not to look where I'm going. I'm finally looking up :)
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27
I've been reading through the journals I've kept over the past year, and I'm starting to realize exactly how far God has brought me. I guess I didn't even realize til now what bad shape I was in. I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...more than I'm comfortable blogging about, that's for sure. All these experiences just left me emotionally destroyed. I was so insecure. I was terrified of people knowing how insecure I was and that it would ruin all my relationships. I had absolutely no sense of myself at all. I was empty and lost and I was learning to live that way. I wasn't even living; it was more like hiding. Looking back, I realize now that I compromised so much of myself for so long. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it. All I can do is sit here and want to cry.
But that's not the point. Yes, I was in a bad place. Yes, I wasted years of my life in a downward spiral. But look at me now!
Eventually I hit rock bottom. I lost everything. I thought my world had come to an abrupt halt. But it was when I felt like I had nothing left that I was finally able to give it all to God. It's unbelievable what a tight grip I had on all the heartache and pain that was bringing me down in the first place. You'd think that would be the easy stuff to let go of. But I had let it control me for so long that I couldn't even separate myself out anymore. I was identifying myself in everything that had ever hurt me. Thank God I reached my breaking point.
He is so faithful! He's healing me. He's showing me what hurts and he's taking it away. He's helping me find Kaila again. And better yet, I'm finding Him. He brought me to a place of complete surrender, and I couldn't be happier. I wish I had the words to do my feelings justice right now...it's amazing.
The past three months have been something of a blur. I can't even organize my thoughts right now. I don't even completely understand how God turned me around, but he did. And now I feel like I'm sprinting in the opposite direction. The past is finally behind me. I'm not sure what I'm running toward, because I'm choosing not to look where I'm going. I'm finally looking up :)
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Love
It seems like every time I give my heart away I get it back in shreds. Why can't anyone just be gentle with it? I've honestly reached the point where I don't ever want to give it away again. It's too risky and I can't trust anyone with it. No one will be able to break my heart if I hide it well enough. Problem solved.
I realize that this is hardly the right way to go about this, but it's where I'm at right now. Broken, bleeding, and ready to run away forever. I feel as though I'm at a complete loss. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's causing physical problems. It's like I've been kicking so hard to try to keep my head above the water that I'm ready to just give up and sink. But I'm beginning to see beauty in the breakdown. Last night during worship at theMILL, it wasn't long before I was on my knees feeling all the hurt and hopelessness crash down on me. It was more than I could handle. But I felt Jesus there beside me, so close and more intimate than I'd felt him in a while. His presence was so immediately obvious it was overwhelming. It was almost as if I was so completely empty that there was nothing left but to be filled by him. In my weakness he is strong. In my brokenness his beauty resonates.
For almost a week now the Lord has kept bringing me back to 1 Corinthians 13, but more specifically verses 4-8a:
"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails."
Until very recently I didn't understand why he kept bringing this to my mind, because it just didn't seem to match up with what I've been going through. But I really feel like the Lord has been growing me in these areas lately. He's using how I feel not only to teach me how to love, but how to be loved. It's a slow process, but I think that's because it's so important. It's so hard and it hurts a lot more than I'd like it to, but I believe that in the end, when he's finished healing me, it will all have been worth it.
I realize that this is hardly the right way to go about this, but it's where I'm at right now. Broken, bleeding, and ready to run away forever. I feel as though I'm at a complete loss. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's causing physical problems. It's like I've been kicking so hard to try to keep my head above the water that I'm ready to just give up and sink. But I'm beginning to see beauty in the breakdown. Last night during worship at theMILL, it wasn't long before I was on my knees feeling all the hurt and hopelessness crash down on me. It was more than I could handle. But I felt Jesus there beside me, so close and more intimate than I'd felt him in a while. His presence was so immediately obvious it was overwhelming. It was almost as if I was so completely empty that there was nothing left but to be filled by him. In my weakness he is strong. In my brokenness his beauty resonates.
For almost a week now the Lord has kept bringing me back to 1 Corinthians 13, but more specifically verses 4-8a:
"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails."
Until very recently I didn't understand why he kept bringing this to my mind, because it just didn't seem to match up with what I've been going through. But I really feel like the Lord has been growing me in these areas lately. He's using how I feel not only to teach me how to love, but how to be loved. It's a slow process, but I think that's because it's so important. It's so hard and it hurts a lot more than I'd like it to, but I believe that in the end, when he's finished healing me, it will all have been worth it.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Psalm 42
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" (v. 1-2)
I think there's an absolutely exquisite beauty in desperation. To long for something from the depths of your soul, to the point of being completely shattered and vulnerable. Incomplete. Beautifully broken. This is how every second of our existence was meant to be spent! Desperately longing to experience God. Aching for more of him.
Without him, we are nothing. Empty. Lifeless. So why is contentment even a concept? Better yet, why is it easy? We're all guilty of it. I know I am. So often God becomes static and routine. It's easy to go through the motions. But in going through the motions, I think we forget who God is. He's the Creator of the universe! The Author and Perfecter of our faith. Our Heavenly Father, our Good Shepherd, the King of kings. As long as we're on this earth we won't ever be able to fully grasp even a fraction of who he is! Just think of your most intimate encounter with God--and try to wrap your mind around the fact that he is infinitely more.
Alone, we are empty. But the living God fills us up.
"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to the God who gives me life." (v.8, ESV)
What's not to long for? Our relationship with him should be an exploration if nothing else. In Jeremiah he promises, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (29:13). It's beautiful. To live a life of reckless abandon in desperate pursuit of the One who created us...all simply because of who he is. I believe it's what we were created for. It's more than just a choice to make, it's a way to live. I'm honestly running out of words...
Chase him. It's amazing.
I think there's an absolutely exquisite beauty in desperation. To long for something from the depths of your soul, to the point of being completely shattered and vulnerable. Incomplete. Beautifully broken. This is how every second of our existence was meant to be spent! Desperately longing to experience God. Aching for more of him.
Without him, we are nothing. Empty. Lifeless. So why is contentment even a concept? Better yet, why is it easy? We're all guilty of it. I know I am. So often God becomes static and routine. It's easy to go through the motions. But in going through the motions, I think we forget who God is. He's the Creator of the universe! The Author and Perfecter of our faith. Our Heavenly Father, our Good Shepherd, the King of kings. As long as we're on this earth we won't ever be able to fully grasp even a fraction of who he is! Just think of your most intimate encounter with God--and try to wrap your mind around the fact that he is infinitely more.
Alone, we are empty. But the living God fills us up.
"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to the God who gives me life." (v.8, ESV)
What's not to long for? Our relationship with him should be an exploration if nothing else. In Jeremiah he promises, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (29:13). It's beautiful. To live a life of reckless abandon in desperate pursuit of the One who created us...all simply because of who he is. I believe it's what we were created for. It's more than just a choice to make, it's a way to live. I'm honestly running out of words...
Chase him. It's amazing.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
In Loving Memory
To the ones who thought true love was always further down the road,
To the ones who find life amidst the brokenness and growth,
To the ones who hide their anguish to help others cope with theirs,
To the ones who pursue happiness through bottomless despair,
To the ones who battle heartache and who overcome their sorrow,
To the ones who traded yesterday to dream about tomorrow,
To the ones who run their races not for glory or for pride,
But simply to experience the joy of every stride.
To those who see tragedy as opportunity to grow,
To the ones who risk it all when there's no where left to go.
To the ones who find their sunshine on the cloudiest of days,
And who find life's purest beauty in the errors of our ways...
It's through circumstance we realize and through changes that we see
That life passes by too quickly to wait to chase our dreams.
[August 2007]
To the ones who find life amidst the brokenness and growth,
To the ones who hide their anguish to help others cope with theirs,
To the ones who pursue happiness through bottomless despair,
To the ones who battle heartache and who overcome their sorrow,
To the ones who traded yesterday to dream about tomorrow,
To the ones who run their races not for glory or for pride,
But simply to experience the joy of every stride.
To those who see tragedy as opportunity to grow,
To the ones who risk it all when there's no where left to go.
To the ones who find their sunshine on the cloudiest of days,
And who find life's purest beauty in the errors of our ways...
It's through circumstance we realize and through changes that we see
That life passes by too quickly to wait to chase our dreams.
[August 2007]
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Two Fires
I've been told more than once that God's will for your life is equivalent to the fire that burns in your heart...the thing (or things) that you're so passionate about you ache for it (or them). I think this advice is brilliant. I believe that God absolutely puts those specific desires and passions in our hearts, both for our benefit and for his glory. It's so important to realize that our deepest desires and longings are gifts from God, and even more important to fuel those fires.
I seem to have two of these fires lately. One I've had ever since I can remember, the other is a little more recent. Both are exciting. Both are overwhelming. Both are beautiful. But at this point, they seem to contradict each other. It's almost heart breaking, because I want both, but at this point that seems unlikely. I'm up and down and back and forth trying to decide which I want more and where I really see myself. Then I'm back to square one again.
Fortunately, it's not my decision to make. Whichever doors the Lord opens for me in the next couple of years will land me exactly where he wants me. Maybe it's one of my fires, maybe it's the other, or maybe it's some wonderful combination of the two. Wherever I end up is entirely up to him, and ultimately that's where I want to be. I believe that God gave me both fires for a reason. They did land me here, after all. And either way, wherever he wants me, I'm looking forward to getting there :)
I seem to have two of these fires lately. One I've had ever since I can remember, the other is a little more recent. Both are exciting. Both are overwhelming. Both are beautiful. But at this point, they seem to contradict each other. It's almost heart breaking, because I want both, but at this point that seems unlikely. I'm up and down and back and forth trying to decide which I want more and where I really see myself. Then I'm back to square one again.
Fortunately, it's not my decision to make. Whichever doors the Lord opens for me in the next couple of years will land me exactly where he wants me. Maybe it's one of my fires, maybe it's the other, or maybe it's some wonderful combination of the two. Wherever I end up is entirely up to him, and ultimately that's where I want to be. I believe that God gave me both fires for a reason. They did land me here, after all. And either way, wherever he wants me, I'm looking forward to getting there :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Broken Hearts Can Worship, Too
For a long time now I've been working so hard to try to fix myself and to be healed and whole again in order to really connect with God and give him the praise he deserves. It's hard, it hurts, it's frustrating, and it doesn't work. Not even a little bit. It's almost as if I was pedaling so hard in this direction I thought I was supposed to be going that I didn't even realize I wasn't going anywhere. But during my quiet time today he spoke to me. And suddenly it all makes sense...
"Stop trying to be something you're not. Broken hearts can worship, too."
I can't even describe the relief this brought me. God's not interested in who I think I should be. He's not even interested in who I've been trying to be. He's interested in who I am and where I'm at right now. It's okay to sit. It's even more okay to rest. My broken, aching, exhausted little heart is the one I should be offering Him, not the one I rushed to put back together. Because I tried that...and here I am, back at ground zero. It is what it is, and I'm just gonna accept it, because he promises to meet me where I am.
I'm already overwhelmed with peace. I'm not doing this for anyone but Jesus, and he's not going anywhere. He'll hold my hand and walk with me until I'm ready to run again. All he wants is all I can give him. So I'm laying everything down and claiming his promise:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
"Stop trying to be something you're not. Broken hearts can worship, too."
I can't even describe the relief this brought me. God's not interested in who I think I should be. He's not even interested in who I've been trying to be. He's interested in who I am and where I'm at right now. It's okay to sit. It's even more okay to rest. My broken, aching, exhausted little heart is the one I should be offering Him, not the one I rushed to put back together. Because I tried that...and here I am, back at ground zero. It is what it is, and I'm just gonna accept it, because he promises to meet me where I am.
I'm already overwhelmed with peace. I'm not doing this for anyone but Jesus, and he's not going anywhere. He'll hold my hand and walk with me until I'm ready to run again. All he wants is all I can give him. So I'm laying everything down and claiming his promise:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Amazing Love
Last night at theMILL, Aaron Stern gave an incredible message about Good Friday. He really emphasized how sinful and unworthy we are as humans, and that we have fallen short of God's holiness. But God's grace was and is big enough to bridge the gap. And therein lies the beauty of the cross.
Today God brought me to Luke 22, when Jesus goes up to the Mount of Olives to pray right before he is arrested.
["Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was likes drops of blood falling to the ground.] - Luke 22:42-44
I think it's safe to say that I was in his prayers that night. I'd also go so far as to say that my life flashed before his eyes as he was being crucified. He laid down his life to give me a second chance that I don't deserve. That's pretty amazing :)
So what the heck have I been doing? Every second that I don't spend praising him is a second completely wasted. He saved me. He made the greatest sacrifice of all. My life, my heartache, my bad days mean absolutely nothing. My gaze should be forever heavenward because he is all that matters. And I should be going out of my way to bring him glory. It's the very least I can do to live my life for him when he sacrificed his on my behalf.
Grace is beautiful, and it's meant to be lived. Not just experienced through salvation. Not just celebrated on Easter. Lived. And such is our calling. Our privilege, even. To live lives worthy of the grace we've been given, and to remember him as he remembered us.
I, for one, can't stop smiling. Or crying, for that matter. Because I'm saved. Because I'm cherished. And because God is so good :)
Today God brought me to Luke 22, when Jesus goes up to the Mount of Olives to pray right before he is arrested.
["Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was likes drops of blood falling to the ground.] - Luke 22:42-44
I think it's safe to say that I was in his prayers that night. I'd also go so far as to say that my life flashed before his eyes as he was being crucified. He laid down his life to give me a second chance that I don't deserve. That's pretty amazing :)
So what the heck have I been doing? Every second that I don't spend praising him is a second completely wasted. He saved me. He made the greatest sacrifice of all. My life, my heartache, my bad days mean absolutely nothing. My gaze should be forever heavenward because he is all that matters. And I should be going out of my way to bring him glory. It's the very least I can do to live my life for him when he sacrificed his on my behalf.
Grace is beautiful, and it's meant to be lived. Not just experienced through salvation. Not just celebrated on Easter. Lived. And such is our calling. Our privilege, even. To live lives worthy of the grace we've been given, and to remember him as he remembered us.
I, for one, can't stop smiling. Or crying, for that matter. Because I'm saved. Because I'm cherished. And because God is so good :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Headaches
There's no use trying to be what I'm not. I've been trying for a while, and I'm tired of it.
Anyone who knows me knows that I plan ahead. Like way ahead. And I had plans. All the way up until about 2015 or so. Which I realize is pretty ridiculous...but that's me.
I plan ahead, therefore, I worry. A lot. I worry that things won't go the way I plan, or the way I think God has planned, and it usually lands me in a decent amount of trouble. And so it goes.
I've been trying so hard lately to stop planning ahead. To just focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself, as Jesus tells me I should. But trying not to think ahead gives me headaches. Literally. I can't stop guessing. I can't stop wondering. I mean, how can I not? I have a beautiful life, and I've been blessed above and beyond abundantly, so how can I not wonder what else God has for me? And so I find myself in this perpetual head spin, trying to keep up and trying to slow down all at once. Hence my being tired of this.
But really, it all boils down to this: this world has nothing for me.
I know that. I believe that with all my heart. And yet somehow I just can't seem to stop planning. So I've decided to stop trying to stop. I'm just gonna go where the holy wind blows me, and I'm more than likely gonna keep planning ahead (just maybe not all the way to 2015). But I'm gonna plan ahead knowing full well that God can (and probably will) change my plans to match His, because I firmly believe that opens doors and closes them at exactly the right moment. And I'm completely okay with that, because at the end of the day I'm still me, and I don't have to be anyone else for anyone else. So there.
Anyone who knows me knows that I plan ahead. Like way ahead. And I had plans. All the way up until about 2015 or so. Which I realize is pretty ridiculous...but that's me.
I plan ahead, therefore, I worry. A lot. I worry that things won't go the way I plan, or the way I think God has planned, and it usually lands me in a decent amount of trouble. And so it goes.
I've been trying so hard lately to stop planning ahead. To just focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself, as Jesus tells me I should. But trying not to think ahead gives me headaches. Literally. I can't stop guessing. I can't stop wondering. I mean, how can I not? I have a beautiful life, and I've been blessed above and beyond abundantly, so how can I not wonder what else God has for me? And so I find myself in this perpetual head spin, trying to keep up and trying to slow down all at once. Hence my being tired of this.
But really, it all boils down to this: this world has nothing for me.
I know that. I believe that with all my heart. And yet somehow I just can't seem to stop planning. So I've decided to stop trying to stop. I'm just gonna go where the holy wind blows me, and I'm more than likely gonna keep planning ahead (just maybe not all the way to 2015). But I'm gonna plan ahead knowing full well that God can (and probably will) change my plans to match His, because I firmly believe that opens doors and closes them at exactly the right moment. And I'm completely okay with that, because at the end of the day I'm still me, and I don't have to be anyone else for anyone else. So there.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Picking Dandelions
I love hearing my mom tell me stories about when I was little. I was "happy go lucky" to say the least. When I was really young, I played on a soccer team like every other kid ever. But instead of chasing the ball around, I preferred to dance around and pick dandelions. I didn't have a care in the world. Thinking about that always makes me smile. But somewhere along the line the "happy go lucky" in me took a backseat to a very broken heart.
When I was in high school, I had a lot of emotional struggles that were significant enough to cause a lot of damage. They left me completely broken. Unfortunately, I never confronted any of it, and since then various aspects of my life have just added to and perpetuated the pain, most of the time without me even realizing how bad it was. A girl's heart is a fragile, precious, beautiful thing. Mine was hurt in a lot of ways that left me guarded, insecure, and completely ashamed. Feeling like I was too much and not enough all at the same time. The worst part is, I learned to live with it. I just buried it all and expected it to go away. I found shelter in other things. Other people. I got good at hiding and coming out to smile when necessary. But the healing never came. And guarded, afraid, and compromised is not how I was meant to live.
As He will, God took away all the things I was using to hide behind and my main source of comfort...all to show me how to heal. To remind me that I needed healing in the first place. He'd been trying to for years. Gently, of course. It's my choice. But why suffer through the pain and try to live around it when complete healing is mine for the taking? I'll gladly trade my broken heart for a brand new one. And I am.
It's taken a lot for me to realize what God's doing in me. But now that there's nothing to hide behind, he's coming to my rescue. He's helping me believe that he created me exactly how he wants me. He even wanted to specifically reveal something about himself when he created me. He's showing me that I am lovely. I am uniquely captivating. And I am well worth pursuing. I don't need to be beautiful in the world's eyes. I have been made perfect in His.
So I'm gonna skip around and pick dandelions. Because I don't see a single reason not to :)
When I was in high school, I had a lot of emotional struggles that were significant enough to cause a lot of damage. They left me completely broken. Unfortunately, I never confronted any of it, and since then various aspects of my life have just added to and perpetuated the pain, most of the time without me even realizing how bad it was. A girl's heart is a fragile, precious, beautiful thing. Mine was hurt in a lot of ways that left me guarded, insecure, and completely ashamed. Feeling like I was too much and not enough all at the same time. The worst part is, I learned to live with it. I just buried it all and expected it to go away. I found shelter in other things. Other people. I got good at hiding and coming out to smile when necessary. But the healing never came. And guarded, afraid, and compromised is not how I was meant to live.
As He will, God took away all the things I was using to hide behind and my main source of comfort...all to show me how to heal. To remind me that I needed healing in the first place. He'd been trying to for years. Gently, of course. It's my choice. But why suffer through the pain and try to live around it when complete healing is mine for the taking? I'll gladly trade my broken heart for a brand new one. And I am.
It's taken a lot for me to realize what God's doing in me. But now that there's nothing to hide behind, he's coming to my rescue. He's helping me believe that he created me exactly how he wants me. He even wanted to specifically reveal something about himself when he created me. He's showing me that I am lovely. I am uniquely captivating. And I am well worth pursuing. I don't need to be beautiful in the world's eyes. I have been made perfect in His.
So I'm gonna skip around and pick dandelions. Because I don't see a single reason not to :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Starting Over
I got to spend this past weekend in a condo on Sol Vista with 5 beautiful people. Snowboarding, hot tubbing, hanging out, watching movies, playing games, random trips to random thrift stores...I think it's safe to say it was the best weekend I've had in a while. But at some point this weekend it dawned on me that I just felt...different.
I've always been relatively shy, and I'm the type of girl who prefers to invest all of myself in a few close people. So much so that I tend to lose myself to the roles I play, which usually leaves me feeling pretty empty. I wouldn't recommend it.
I'm a daughter and a sister, I've been a friend, a girlfriend, a roommate, a student, an athlete, a coach, a first choice, a last resort...and I think that at some point during my life I've let each of these define who I am. Somewhere along the line I stopped recognizing myself.
That's changing.
Like I said before, lately I just feel different. I feel like I'm coming into myself. I'm doing things I want to do because I want to do them. I wake up smiling. I'm finding parts of myself I haven't seen in years it seems. It's making me realize that for years now I've been looking for fulfillment in roles and relationships that simply can't fill me up. There's more emptiness there than I'm willing to settle for.
And I'm starting over. Completely.
I am Kaila Arielle Bowlin.
I am a child of the King.
My relationships don't define me, my Savior does.
I was put on this earth to love, to serve, and to glorify God.
I am precious in his sight.
And that's all :)
I've always been relatively shy, and I'm the type of girl who prefers to invest all of myself in a few close people. So much so that I tend to lose myself to the roles I play, which usually leaves me feeling pretty empty. I wouldn't recommend it.
I'm a daughter and a sister, I've been a friend, a girlfriend, a roommate, a student, an athlete, a coach, a first choice, a last resort...and I think that at some point during my life I've let each of these define who I am. Somewhere along the line I stopped recognizing myself.
That's changing.
Like I said before, lately I just feel different. I feel like I'm coming into myself. I'm doing things I want to do because I want to do them. I wake up smiling. I'm finding parts of myself I haven't seen in years it seems. It's making me realize that for years now I've been looking for fulfillment in roles and relationships that simply can't fill me up. There's more emptiness there than I'm willing to settle for.
And I'm starting over. Completely.
I am Kaila Arielle Bowlin.
I am a child of the King.
My relationships don't define me, my Savior does.
I was put on this earth to love, to serve, and to glorify God.
I am precious in his sight.
And that's all :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Peaks and Valleys
[The Peak:] Last night was absolutely incredible. The Navigators hosted a bonfire/worship/prayer night out at Glen Eyrie, and my beautiful sister, Courtney came down to visit me with two of her friends. Worshiping God under the stars in the middle of his breathtaking creation is one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. The prayer was powerful. The worship was phenomenal. And the fellowship was better than I could have asked for.
During the prayer times I was completely blown away. Hearing these 3 girls pray for each other, and their school, and the nations with such grace and authority was so encouraging. It was such an incredible blessing to see my sister and her friends so passionate and so on fire for God. I can't even describe it. Prayer is truly a powerful thing.
[The Valley:] The devil caught me off guard today, that's for sure. A lot of the emotions I'd been trying to hide from finally caught up with me, and I felt like the entire day was a huge downward spiral, which finally ended up in a major meltdown. I'm a crier...always have been, always will be. But I think it was when I was crying the hardest that God gently reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
For the past month I've been trying so hard to be strong. And most days I succeed. But today made me realize that no matter how hard I try I'm not strong yet. And I don't have to be. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that's the most beautiful thing there is...grace :)
So, just like the past 48 hours of my life have so explicitly illustrated, some days are peaks and some days are valleys. But I've found perfect peace in knowing that no matter which kind of day I'm having, Jesus is right here beside me. I am weak, but he is strong :)
During the prayer times I was completely blown away. Hearing these 3 girls pray for each other, and their school, and the nations with such grace and authority was so encouraging. It was such an incredible blessing to see my sister and her friends so passionate and so on fire for God. I can't even describe it. Prayer is truly a powerful thing.
[The Valley:] The devil caught me off guard today, that's for sure. A lot of the emotions I'd been trying to hide from finally caught up with me, and I felt like the entire day was a huge downward spiral, which finally ended up in a major meltdown. I'm a crier...always have been, always will be. But I think it was when I was crying the hardest that God gently reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
For the past month I've been trying so hard to be strong. And most days I succeed. But today made me realize that no matter how hard I try I'm not strong yet. And I don't have to be. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that's the most beautiful thing there is...grace :)
So, just like the past 48 hours of my life have so explicitly illustrated, some days are peaks and some days are valleys. But I've found perfect peace in knowing that no matter which kind of day I'm having, Jesus is right here beside me. I am weak, but he is strong :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
C'est La Vie
I always find myself asking God to show me his will for my life. It's always the same: "What do I do?" or "Where do you want me?" That sort of thing. I treat God's plan for my life like it's something to wait for or something to achieve.
Wrong.
God's will was yesterday. It's today. It's tomorrow. And it's every single breath I breathe until the day he takes me home. I can't keep wasting my time wondering--it's happening all around me! Every word I speak, every step I take, every thought I think, God knew about even before he set this world in motion. That in itself is incredible.
Of course, I still have plenty of questions. Things I pray about constantly that still can't quite seem to fall into place...but they will. I have no doubt. Until then I just need to look at what's around me and where God has me today. Not tomorrow, not when I graduate. Now. I truly believe that God is always speaking to us. We're just not always ready to listen.
"But never interpret our numbness as his absence. For amidst the fleeting promises of pleasure is the timeless promise of his presence." - Max Lucado
So beautiful. And so true :)
And maybe I'm not necessarily hearing the answers to my questions just yet...that's only because his timing is better than mine.
C'est la vie.
Wrong.
God's will was yesterday. It's today. It's tomorrow. And it's every single breath I breathe until the day he takes me home. I can't keep wasting my time wondering--it's happening all around me! Every word I speak, every step I take, every thought I think, God knew about even before he set this world in motion. That in itself is incredible.
Of course, I still have plenty of questions. Things I pray about constantly that still can't quite seem to fall into place...but they will. I have no doubt. Until then I just need to look at what's around me and where God has me today. Not tomorrow, not when I graduate. Now. I truly believe that God is always speaking to us. We're just not always ready to listen.
"But never interpret our numbness as his absence. For amidst the fleeting promises of pleasure is the timeless promise of his presence." - Max Lucado
So beautiful. And so true :)
And maybe I'm not necessarily hearing the answers to my questions just yet...that's only because his timing is better than mine.
C'est la vie.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A New Heart
God works in such incredible ways.
God has been doing a lot of work on my heart over the past few months. I've come a long way, and yet I have a long way to go. It's beautiful and exciting and scary all at once. God's really been pushing me to let go of the things in my life that have been distracting me from pursuing him wholeheartedly. It's definitely not easy, and for a long time I was so reluctant because I wanted to stay in control. Turns out I never was.
It took a lot of tears and hardships for me to realize that I was dividing my focus between God and the things I wanted for myself. Idols, if you will. (I know that's harsh and horrifying, but it's true. We all have them, any way you slice it.) I was miserably failing to surrender to Him completely, all the while convincing myself that I was doing a good enough job. But because there is failure there is also redemption...
[I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.] - Ezekiel 36: 25-27
Now it's not a matter of what I need to do fix things, it's a matter of laying it all down at the feet of my Savior and trusting him to carry me. Trusting him to cleanse me. Trusting him to give me a new heart. And trusting him to instill his Spirit within me, so that I may pursue him as I am called to: with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength. And now he's replacing my distracted, broken heart with a focused one, and he's filling me up and providing me with all I need. And He is truly all I need :)
God has been doing a lot of work on my heart over the past few months. I've come a long way, and yet I have a long way to go. It's beautiful and exciting and scary all at once. God's really been pushing me to let go of the things in my life that have been distracting me from pursuing him wholeheartedly. It's definitely not easy, and for a long time I was so reluctant because I wanted to stay in control. Turns out I never was.
It took a lot of tears and hardships for me to realize that I was dividing my focus between God and the things I wanted for myself. Idols, if you will. (I know that's harsh and horrifying, but it's true. We all have them, any way you slice it.) I was miserably failing to surrender to Him completely, all the while convincing myself that I was doing a good enough job. But because there is failure there is also redemption...
[I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.] - Ezekiel 36: 25-27
Now it's not a matter of what I need to do fix things, it's a matter of laying it all down at the feet of my Savior and trusting him to carry me. Trusting him to cleanse me. Trusting him to give me a new heart. And trusting him to instill his Spirit within me, so that I may pursue him as I am called to: with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength. And now he's replacing my distracted, broken heart with a focused one, and he's filling me up and providing me with all I need. And He is truly all I need :)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tunnel Vision
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anias Nin
The story of my life lately.
It's almost funny how different your life can seem once you finally step back far enough to evaluate it. Other people can interject all they want, but unless you actually decide to listen to them and try to see things from their perspective it won't make even the teeniest difference.
I've realized, lately, this concept of tunnel vision. Making plans, and doing everything you can to make them happen, all the while disregarding all other options. Tunnel vision applies to a lot of different areas of my life...it's how I'm wired. I've always known this about myself...but recently God has pretty much slapped me in the face with it.
['For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'] -Jeremiah 29:11. I've had this verse memorized for as long as I can remember, so why I've never actually made it my mindset up until this point is beyond me.
For the longest time I thought that I knew exactly what God wanted from me. Actually, I was absolutely positive I knew. But he recently did some serious rearranging, leaving me with a lot of heartache and not a lot of answers. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The past few weeks have shown me that I'm not in control. God is. I don't know how my life is going to end up. God does. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or in 2 years. But I don't have to. And I'm okay with that.
It's a truly humbling thing to realize that God can and will shake things up to make you see clearly. But that's just more evidence of how much he cares. He wants what's best for us, and we need to be in the right place in order for him to teach us what that is. He's more than willing to teach...we just have to be willing to listen.
The story of my life lately.
It's almost funny how different your life can seem once you finally step back far enough to evaluate it. Other people can interject all they want, but unless you actually decide to listen to them and try to see things from their perspective it won't make even the teeniest difference.
I've realized, lately, this concept of tunnel vision. Making plans, and doing everything you can to make them happen, all the while disregarding all other options. Tunnel vision applies to a lot of different areas of my life...it's how I'm wired. I've always known this about myself...but recently God has pretty much slapped me in the face with it.
['For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'] -Jeremiah 29:11. I've had this verse memorized for as long as I can remember, so why I've never actually made it my mindset up until this point is beyond me.
For the longest time I thought that I knew exactly what God wanted from me. Actually, I was absolutely positive I knew. But he recently did some serious rearranging, leaving me with a lot of heartache and not a lot of answers. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The past few weeks have shown me that I'm not in control. God is. I don't know how my life is going to end up. God does. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or in 2 years. But I don't have to. And I'm okay with that.
It's a truly humbling thing to realize that God can and will shake things up to make you see clearly. But that's just more evidence of how much he cares. He wants what's best for us, and we need to be in the right place in order for him to teach us what that is. He's more than willing to teach...we just have to be willing to listen.
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