There's no use trying to be what I'm not. I've been trying for a while, and I'm tired of it.
Anyone who knows me knows that I plan ahead. Like way ahead. And I had plans. All the way up until about 2015 or so. Which I realize is pretty ridiculous...but that's me.
I plan ahead, therefore, I worry. A lot. I worry that things won't go the way I plan, or the way I think God has planned, and it usually lands me in a decent amount of trouble. And so it goes.
I've been trying so hard lately to stop planning ahead. To just focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself, as Jesus tells me I should. But trying not to think ahead gives me headaches. Literally. I can't stop guessing. I can't stop wondering. I mean, how can I not? I have a beautiful life, and I've been blessed above and beyond abundantly, so how can I not wonder what else God has for me? And so I find myself in this perpetual head spin, trying to keep up and trying to slow down all at once. Hence my being tired of this.
But really, it all boils down to this: this world has nothing for me.
I know that. I believe that with all my heart. And yet somehow I just can't seem to stop planning. So I've decided to stop trying to stop. I'm just gonna go where the holy wind blows me, and I'm more than likely gonna keep planning ahead (just maybe not all the way to 2015). But I'm gonna plan ahead knowing full well that God can (and probably will) change my plans to match His, because I firmly believe that opens doors and closes them at exactly the right moment. And I'm completely okay with that, because at the end of the day I'm still me, and I don't have to be anyone else for anyone else. So there.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Picking Dandelions
I love hearing my mom tell me stories about when I was little. I was "happy go lucky" to say the least. When I was really young, I played on a soccer team like every other kid ever. But instead of chasing the ball around, I preferred to dance around and pick dandelions. I didn't have a care in the world. Thinking about that always makes me smile. But somewhere along the line the "happy go lucky" in me took a backseat to a very broken heart.
When I was in high school, I had a lot of emotional struggles that were significant enough to cause a lot of damage. They left me completely broken. Unfortunately, I never confronted any of it, and since then various aspects of my life have just added to and perpetuated the pain, most of the time without me even realizing how bad it was. A girl's heart is a fragile, precious, beautiful thing. Mine was hurt in a lot of ways that left me guarded, insecure, and completely ashamed. Feeling like I was too much and not enough all at the same time. The worst part is, I learned to live with it. I just buried it all and expected it to go away. I found shelter in other things. Other people. I got good at hiding and coming out to smile when necessary. But the healing never came. And guarded, afraid, and compromised is not how I was meant to live.
As He will, God took away all the things I was using to hide behind and my main source of comfort...all to show me how to heal. To remind me that I needed healing in the first place. He'd been trying to for years. Gently, of course. It's my choice. But why suffer through the pain and try to live around it when complete healing is mine for the taking? I'll gladly trade my broken heart for a brand new one. And I am.
It's taken a lot for me to realize what God's doing in me. But now that there's nothing to hide behind, he's coming to my rescue. He's helping me believe that he created me exactly how he wants me. He even wanted to specifically reveal something about himself when he created me. He's showing me that I am lovely. I am uniquely captivating. And I am well worth pursuing. I don't need to be beautiful in the world's eyes. I have been made perfect in His.
So I'm gonna skip around and pick dandelions. Because I don't see a single reason not to :)
When I was in high school, I had a lot of emotional struggles that were significant enough to cause a lot of damage. They left me completely broken. Unfortunately, I never confronted any of it, and since then various aspects of my life have just added to and perpetuated the pain, most of the time without me even realizing how bad it was. A girl's heart is a fragile, precious, beautiful thing. Mine was hurt in a lot of ways that left me guarded, insecure, and completely ashamed. Feeling like I was too much and not enough all at the same time. The worst part is, I learned to live with it. I just buried it all and expected it to go away. I found shelter in other things. Other people. I got good at hiding and coming out to smile when necessary. But the healing never came. And guarded, afraid, and compromised is not how I was meant to live.
As He will, God took away all the things I was using to hide behind and my main source of comfort...all to show me how to heal. To remind me that I needed healing in the first place. He'd been trying to for years. Gently, of course. It's my choice. But why suffer through the pain and try to live around it when complete healing is mine for the taking? I'll gladly trade my broken heart for a brand new one. And I am.
It's taken a lot for me to realize what God's doing in me. But now that there's nothing to hide behind, he's coming to my rescue. He's helping me believe that he created me exactly how he wants me. He even wanted to specifically reveal something about himself when he created me. He's showing me that I am lovely. I am uniquely captivating. And I am well worth pursuing. I don't need to be beautiful in the world's eyes. I have been made perfect in His.
So I'm gonna skip around and pick dandelions. Because I don't see a single reason not to :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Starting Over
I got to spend this past weekend in a condo on Sol Vista with 5 beautiful people. Snowboarding, hot tubbing, hanging out, watching movies, playing games, random trips to random thrift stores...I think it's safe to say it was the best weekend I've had in a while. But at some point this weekend it dawned on me that I just felt...different.
I've always been relatively shy, and I'm the type of girl who prefers to invest all of myself in a few close people. So much so that I tend to lose myself to the roles I play, which usually leaves me feeling pretty empty. I wouldn't recommend it.
I'm a daughter and a sister, I've been a friend, a girlfriend, a roommate, a student, an athlete, a coach, a first choice, a last resort...and I think that at some point during my life I've let each of these define who I am. Somewhere along the line I stopped recognizing myself.
That's changing.
Like I said before, lately I just feel different. I feel like I'm coming into myself. I'm doing things I want to do because I want to do them. I wake up smiling. I'm finding parts of myself I haven't seen in years it seems. It's making me realize that for years now I've been looking for fulfillment in roles and relationships that simply can't fill me up. There's more emptiness there than I'm willing to settle for.
And I'm starting over. Completely.
I am Kaila Arielle Bowlin.
I am a child of the King.
My relationships don't define me, my Savior does.
I was put on this earth to love, to serve, and to glorify God.
I am precious in his sight.
And that's all :)
I've always been relatively shy, and I'm the type of girl who prefers to invest all of myself in a few close people. So much so that I tend to lose myself to the roles I play, which usually leaves me feeling pretty empty. I wouldn't recommend it.
I'm a daughter and a sister, I've been a friend, a girlfriend, a roommate, a student, an athlete, a coach, a first choice, a last resort...and I think that at some point during my life I've let each of these define who I am. Somewhere along the line I stopped recognizing myself.
That's changing.
Like I said before, lately I just feel different. I feel like I'm coming into myself. I'm doing things I want to do because I want to do them. I wake up smiling. I'm finding parts of myself I haven't seen in years it seems. It's making me realize that for years now I've been looking for fulfillment in roles and relationships that simply can't fill me up. There's more emptiness there than I'm willing to settle for.
And I'm starting over. Completely.
I am Kaila Arielle Bowlin.
I am a child of the King.
My relationships don't define me, my Savior does.
I was put on this earth to love, to serve, and to glorify God.
I am precious in his sight.
And that's all :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Peaks and Valleys
[The Peak:] Last night was absolutely incredible. The Navigators hosted a bonfire/worship/prayer night out at Glen Eyrie, and my beautiful sister, Courtney came down to visit me with two of her friends. Worshiping God under the stars in the middle of his breathtaking creation is one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. The prayer was powerful. The worship was phenomenal. And the fellowship was better than I could have asked for.
During the prayer times I was completely blown away. Hearing these 3 girls pray for each other, and their school, and the nations with such grace and authority was so encouraging. It was such an incredible blessing to see my sister and her friends so passionate and so on fire for God. I can't even describe it. Prayer is truly a powerful thing.
[The Valley:] The devil caught me off guard today, that's for sure. A lot of the emotions I'd been trying to hide from finally caught up with me, and I felt like the entire day was a huge downward spiral, which finally ended up in a major meltdown. I'm a crier...always have been, always will be. But I think it was when I was crying the hardest that God gently reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
For the past month I've been trying so hard to be strong. And most days I succeed. But today made me realize that no matter how hard I try I'm not strong yet. And I don't have to be. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that's the most beautiful thing there is...grace :)
So, just like the past 48 hours of my life have so explicitly illustrated, some days are peaks and some days are valleys. But I've found perfect peace in knowing that no matter which kind of day I'm having, Jesus is right here beside me. I am weak, but he is strong :)
During the prayer times I was completely blown away. Hearing these 3 girls pray for each other, and their school, and the nations with such grace and authority was so encouraging. It was such an incredible blessing to see my sister and her friends so passionate and so on fire for God. I can't even describe it. Prayer is truly a powerful thing.
[The Valley:] The devil caught me off guard today, that's for sure. A lot of the emotions I'd been trying to hide from finally caught up with me, and I felt like the entire day was a huge downward spiral, which finally ended up in a major meltdown. I'm a crier...always have been, always will be. But I think it was when I was crying the hardest that God gently reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
For the past month I've been trying so hard to be strong. And most days I succeed. But today made me realize that no matter how hard I try I'm not strong yet. And I don't have to be. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that's the most beautiful thing there is...grace :)
So, just like the past 48 hours of my life have so explicitly illustrated, some days are peaks and some days are valleys. But I've found perfect peace in knowing that no matter which kind of day I'm having, Jesus is right here beside me. I am weak, but he is strong :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
C'est La Vie
I always find myself asking God to show me his will for my life. It's always the same: "What do I do?" or "Where do you want me?" That sort of thing. I treat God's plan for my life like it's something to wait for or something to achieve.
Wrong.
God's will was yesterday. It's today. It's tomorrow. And it's every single breath I breathe until the day he takes me home. I can't keep wasting my time wondering--it's happening all around me! Every word I speak, every step I take, every thought I think, God knew about even before he set this world in motion. That in itself is incredible.
Of course, I still have plenty of questions. Things I pray about constantly that still can't quite seem to fall into place...but they will. I have no doubt. Until then I just need to look at what's around me and where God has me today. Not tomorrow, not when I graduate. Now. I truly believe that God is always speaking to us. We're just not always ready to listen.
"But never interpret our numbness as his absence. For amidst the fleeting promises of pleasure is the timeless promise of his presence." - Max Lucado
So beautiful. And so true :)
And maybe I'm not necessarily hearing the answers to my questions just yet...that's only because his timing is better than mine.
C'est la vie.
Wrong.
God's will was yesterday. It's today. It's tomorrow. And it's every single breath I breathe until the day he takes me home. I can't keep wasting my time wondering--it's happening all around me! Every word I speak, every step I take, every thought I think, God knew about even before he set this world in motion. That in itself is incredible.
Of course, I still have plenty of questions. Things I pray about constantly that still can't quite seem to fall into place...but they will. I have no doubt. Until then I just need to look at what's around me and where God has me today. Not tomorrow, not when I graduate. Now. I truly believe that God is always speaking to us. We're just not always ready to listen.
"But never interpret our numbness as his absence. For amidst the fleeting promises of pleasure is the timeless promise of his presence." - Max Lucado
So beautiful. And so true :)
And maybe I'm not necessarily hearing the answers to my questions just yet...that's only because his timing is better than mine.
C'est la vie.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A New Heart
God works in such incredible ways.
God has been doing a lot of work on my heart over the past few months. I've come a long way, and yet I have a long way to go. It's beautiful and exciting and scary all at once. God's really been pushing me to let go of the things in my life that have been distracting me from pursuing him wholeheartedly. It's definitely not easy, and for a long time I was so reluctant because I wanted to stay in control. Turns out I never was.
It took a lot of tears and hardships for me to realize that I was dividing my focus between God and the things I wanted for myself. Idols, if you will. (I know that's harsh and horrifying, but it's true. We all have them, any way you slice it.) I was miserably failing to surrender to Him completely, all the while convincing myself that I was doing a good enough job. But because there is failure there is also redemption...
[I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.] - Ezekiel 36: 25-27
Now it's not a matter of what I need to do fix things, it's a matter of laying it all down at the feet of my Savior and trusting him to carry me. Trusting him to cleanse me. Trusting him to give me a new heart. And trusting him to instill his Spirit within me, so that I may pursue him as I am called to: with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength. And now he's replacing my distracted, broken heart with a focused one, and he's filling me up and providing me with all I need. And He is truly all I need :)
God has been doing a lot of work on my heart over the past few months. I've come a long way, and yet I have a long way to go. It's beautiful and exciting and scary all at once. God's really been pushing me to let go of the things in my life that have been distracting me from pursuing him wholeheartedly. It's definitely not easy, and for a long time I was so reluctant because I wanted to stay in control. Turns out I never was.
It took a lot of tears and hardships for me to realize that I was dividing my focus between God and the things I wanted for myself. Idols, if you will. (I know that's harsh and horrifying, but it's true. We all have them, any way you slice it.) I was miserably failing to surrender to Him completely, all the while convincing myself that I was doing a good enough job. But because there is failure there is also redemption...
[I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.] - Ezekiel 36: 25-27
Now it's not a matter of what I need to do fix things, it's a matter of laying it all down at the feet of my Savior and trusting him to carry me. Trusting him to cleanse me. Trusting him to give me a new heart. And trusting him to instill his Spirit within me, so that I may pursue him as I am called to: with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength. And now he's replacing my distracted, broken heart with a focused one, and he's filling me up and providing me with all I need. And He is truly all I need :)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tunnel Vision
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anias Nin
The story of my life lately.
It's almost funny how different your life can seem once you finally step back far enough to evaluate it. Other people can interject all they want, but unless you actually decide to listen to them and try to see things from their perspective it won't make even the teeniest difference.
I've realized, lately, this concept of tunnel vision. Making plans, and doing everything you can to make them happen, all the while disregarding all other options. Tunnel vision applies to a lot of different areas of my life...it's how I'm wired. I've always known this about myself...but recently God has pretty much slapped me in the face with it.
['For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'] -Jeremiah 29:11. I've had this verse memorized for as long as I can remember, so why I've never actually made it my mindset up until this point is beyond me.
For the longest time I thought that I knew exactly what God wanted from me. Actually, I was absolutely positive I knew. But he recently did some serious rearranging, leaving me with a lot of heartache and not a lot of answers. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The past few weeks have shown me that I'm not in control. God is. I don't know how my life is going to end up. God does. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or in 2 years. But I don't have to. And I'm okay with that.
It's a truly humbling thing to realize that God can and will shake things up to make you see clearly. But that's just more evidence of how much he cares. He wants what's best for us, and we need to be in the right place in order for him to teach us what that is. He's more than willing to teach...we just have to be willing to listen.
The story of my life lately.
It's almost funny how different your life can seem once you finally step back far enough to evaluate it. Other people can interject all they want, but unless you actually decide to listen to them and try to see things from their perspective it won't make even the teeniest difference.
I've realized, lately, this concept of tunnel vision. Making plans, and doing everything you can to make them happen, all the while disregarding all other options. Tunnel vision applies to a lot of different areas of my life...it's how I'm wired. I've always known this about myself...but recently God has pretty much slapped me in the face with it.
['For I know the plans I have for you, ' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'] -Jeremiah 29:11. I've had this verse memorized for as long as I can remember, so why I've never actually made it my mindset up until this point is beyond me.
For the longest time I thought that I knew exactly what God wanted from me. Actually, I was absolutely positive I knew. But he recently did some serious rearranging, leaving me with a lot of heartache and not a lot of answers. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The past few weeks have shown me that I'm not in control. God is. I don't know how my life is going to end up. God does. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or in 2 years. But I don't have to. And I'm okay with that.
It's a truly humbling thing to realize that God can and will shake things up to make you see clearly. But that's just more evidence of how much he cares. He wants what's best for us, and we need to be in the right place in order for him to teach us what that is. He's more than willing to teach...we just have to be willing to listen.
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