Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday, the day we recognize in memory of Jesus' crucifixion. TheMILL's Good Friday service is always really good, but this year's really got me thinking.

We celebrate Easter in honor of Jesus' victory over death. The remarkable day in history when Jesus conquered the grave and allowed us to claim freedom from death in His name. And because we know how the story ends, the climax--Good Friday--often gets overlooked in anticipation of celebrating the most incredible event in history. "We rush past the cross on the way to an empty tomb." -Aaron Stern

Jesus willingly suffered hours of violent torture for us. For me. For you. He had the power to call the whole thing off, but He didn't. Every single mistake I've ever made was paid for that night, and because of His sacrifice I am able to live freely and without condemnation. Before Jesus died, He gave clear instructions for how we are called to live.

"And He was saying to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.'" -Luke 9:23-24

Jesus instructs us to go to the cross. To deny ourselves, our wishes, dreams, and desires in exchange for His. And He didn't merely give instructions; He led the way. He sacrificed His own comfort, His body, His reputation, His life and submit to the will of the Father. Jesus' very last words before He died were, "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit," (Luke 23:46).

This is what left my mind buzzing. Am I willing to do the same? Can I honestly say, "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit"? Not just when I need Him, not just when it's easy; but every day--every waking moment of my life? I've had Luke 9:23-24 memorized for years, but I think I'm only just now beginning to realize what that really means. With all the changes I've experienced in my life lately, I'm understanding how hard it really is to deny myself.

It occurred to me last night that my absolute worst fear right now is not getting what I want. Pretty selfish, right? All this time I've been so afraid of things not ending up how I thought they would and how I wanted them to. I've been upset that everything I thought I had planned for myself has fallen apart...but God's changing my perspective. What a perfect opportunity to truly deny myself. To set aside all my plans, my dreams, my hopes, and my desires in order to make room for the ones He has for me. Rather than focusing on the fact that so much in my life is changing right now, God's teaching me how to see this new season as an opportunity. I'm learning lesson after lesson about trust, faith, and life in general. After all that's happened in the past few months, my life is beginning to look a lot like a blank canvas, and I'm handing Him the brush. God is humbling me and showing me what it looks like to truly deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. As long as He's leading, I don't need to know where we're going, because I believe with all my heart that it's someplace beautiful.

Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

This is an area God has really been challenging me in lately. The NASB translation reads, "Cease striving, and know that I am God." The original Hebrew is directly translated as "let go" or "relax." If you know me at all, you know that regardless of the translation, this is not my area of expertise. In fact, it's always been a real struggle for me. I've never been the type of person to just let things go, and my anxiety makes relaxing almost impossible most of the time. Fortunately, the secret to being still isn't a secret at all.

"...know that I am God."

I've always thought I had my life pretty much figured out. Then a couple of months ago, my everything turned upside down. My two and a half year relationship came to a screeching halt. Since then, God has shown me how shaky my trust in Him is. I've lived in constant fear of being replaced and of not being good enough. I've battled feelings of insecurity and accusations of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, sweet enough, fun enough, captivating enough, godly enough, and perfect enough. My impatience is more obvious to me now than it has ever been, and I'm constantly trying to figure out what's going happen next and what God is doing in all of this. Months later, none of my questions have been answered and I can't help but feel as though I should have made more progress than I have at this point...

"Be still, and know that I am God."

If God answered all my questions, I wouldn't learn anything. I wouldn't learn what it means to be patient and wait on Him. I wouldn't learn how to trust Him more. I wouldn't learn how to be still. This season of my life isn't comfortable. But if it was, what reason would I have to trust God in the first place?

This whole process has been so humbling. Who am I to think that I know better than God does? Who am I to think that what I want for my life could possibly be better than what God has planned for me? Who am I to think that I could have possibly had it all figured out? That's not my job, it's His. My job is simply to be still and know that God is in control.

I'm constantly being reminded that I can't do this on my own strength. Being still, letting go, and relaxing are all very difficult for me. But I believe that God is changing that. I don't expect instant results, because I know myself better than that. It's a process. It's not my timing, it's His. And the wonderful thing about that is that He knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and He wants nothing but the best for me. Even though His timing isn't instantly gratifying for me, it's perfect.

If that's not enough of a reason to be still, to cease striving, to let go, to relax...then I don't know what is.

Letting Go

I've always had problems trusting people. I've been betrayed and hurt a lot in the past...deeply enough to still affect the majority of my decisions and relationships. It's become crippling, and unfortunately it's become a habit to hold people at arm's length in a desperate attempt to protect my heart. As soon as someone gets too close, my first reaction is to pull back before they have a chance to abandon me. It's become a subconscious thing for me. Tonight I was talking to a friend about some things, and she made the comment, "it's like you expect everyone to hurt you." Instantly I was in tears, because it's so true. It's not necessarily always a conscious mindset, but I've learned to expect to have my heart broken. I work so hard to protect myself from every potential threat, and usually it winds up hurting me more. The problem is, everyone has become a potential threat. My heart's been broken more times than I can count, and I'm so terrified of hurting like that again. That much I've always been aware of. But until I heard it in someone else's words, I didn't realize that it had become such a dominant thought.

I am so susceptible to fear, and the enemy knows it. Lately, the words "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," (I Peter 5:8) have become so much more real to me. The devil has a better handle on my weaknesses than I do, and he slips in lies every chance he gets. The worst part is, I always believe them. Always. Even if there's no logical evidence to support the lies, I'm all too quick to accept them as truth. Why is it so much easier for me to believe lies than the truth? Unfortunately, I'm still figuring that part out. But I'm starting to think it has to do with my constant expectation of being betrayed, lied to, and heartbroken.

I'm realizing now that my attempts to protect myself and my heart are more deeply rooted in my need to have control. Part of that has got to be my anxiety, and part of it is pure survival instinct. But the harder I try to control things, the less I'm trusting God. I'm realizing that all this time I've had such a tight grasp on my heart in order to keep it from falling apart. I'm also realizing that the reason it still hurts so badly is because I can't do a good enough job of that on my own strength. My heart can't heal until I let go and give it to Jesus and trust Him to take care of it. Because He can do SO much better than I can. Letting go isn't easy, and it's going to be a daily decision. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather give my heart to. After all, He created it. He filled it with all the passions, desires, and dreams that make me who I am. I can't protect myself anymore. So I'm letting go.

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4

"Look where we are now!"

Today was perfect. This morning when I woke up, I really felt like God put it on my heart to go to Navs. I hadn't been to Navs at all this semester, partially because of care plans and having to get up at 5:30 the next morning, but also because I haven't really wanted to. For a long time, Navs has been the one place where my anxiety is at its absolute worst, and for a lot of reasons. So I was surprised when I actually wanted to go. I figured there was a reason God put it on my heart, and I just felt at peace with the idea of going. So I went. The difference was unbelievable. I didn't feel self-conscious. I didn't even feel anxious! During worship it occured to me that on a scale from 0-10 (ten being the worst), my anxiety was at a 0. I literally started to crack up. I couldn't contain it! I was giggling like a little girl, and my worship became that much sweeter. I knew that God had drawn me there tonight to show me just how much work He's done in my heart. It was almost as if He was saying, "Look where we are now!" All along I've known that God has been healing me, but it wasn't until tonight that I realized exactly how far He's brought me. I couldn't ask for better encouragement. I'm being set free! :) I just re-read my devotion from this morning, and it's funny how perfect it is: "Without watchful expectation on our part, what is the sense in waiting on God for help? There will be no help without it. If we ever fail to receive strength and protection from Him, it is because we have not been looking for it. Heavenly help is often offered yet goes right past us. We miss it because we are not standing in the tower, carefully watching the horizon for evidence of its approach, and then are unready to throw the gates of our heart open so it may enter. The person who has no expectations and therefore fails to be on the alert will receive little help. Watch for God in the events of your life. 'They who watch for the providence of God will never lack the providence of God to watch for.'" Like I said, perfect :) What a faithful God we serve!! I know I still have a long way to go, but it just goes to show that healing isn't necessarily a destination, it's a journey. And tonight I caught a glimpse of just how beautiful mine is. "I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what He will say to me." - Habakkuk 2:1