To Simply Pray

Something a lot of people don’t know is that almost threeyears ago I began seeing a counselor who treated me for moderate depression andpanic disorder. I’ve struggled with pretty severe anxiety ever since I canremember, but in the fall of my junior year of college it became unbearable. Upuntil that point I had kept it completely to myself, but I couldn’t do it on myown anymore. The anxiety had become so crippling that I was quickly slidinginto depression. At the time I was unbelievably ashamed. I didn’t want to needhelp. I didn’t want people to know I was “crazy.” I sure as heck felt like Iwas, at least. There were times when I felt like I’d rather die than continueto deal with it all.

This October it will have been three years since what I canonly describe as the absolute worst season of my life. And here I am today;alive and well, a BSN graduate and registered nurse, married to the love of mylife, and completely set free from all the bondageI once endured. Praise God!

The reason I bring this up is that during that time, when Iwould have a panic attack, prayer would be the very last thing to enter mymind. When I would pray, it wouldn’t make me feel better. So I simply stoppedtrying for a while.

Needless to say, God has done a LOT in my heart since then.I recently started reading a book called ThePower of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. [If you’re a wife, or ifyou’re about to be, I highly recommend it.] The author walks through 30 keyareas of a man’s life that his wife can and should continually cover in prayer.Not only has it taught me how to pray for Aaron specifically, it’s taught mehow to pray for myself and for the other people in my life. More than that, mybeing unemployed has allowed me to spend more time in prayer each day than atany other time in my life. I think it’s safe to say that if I was working fulltime right now there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be learning this lesson quiteyet.

Just this morning it occurred to me that now, when I beginto feel anxious or nervous about something, my first response is to lift it upto God in prayer. When I’m feeling insecure, I pray for God to remind me of Histruth and that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14). When I beginto feel irritated or angry for any reason, I ask God for the grace to change myperspective and my attitude. And when I’m worried about not having found a jobyet, I talk my concerns over with the Lord and ask that He remind me that He isever and always in control. It’s an absolute night and day difference fromwhere I was even just a couple of months ago. I’m so confident now that thisseason is one of preparation. For what? I’m not entirely sure just yet, but Ithink that improvement in my prayer life is a pretty great start.

To Simply Trust

Rather than posting one huge megablog, I've decided to break this down into a series. I've never done this before, so this has the potential to fail miserably. Fair warning.

Moving on, let's recap:

I mentioned in my last blog that I've recently found myself in a difficult season. I recognize that difficult is a relative term, so let my clarify by saying that this season has been difficult for me. It has occurred to me that in the perspective of some, I'm living the American dream. In fact, a few years ago this would have been MY dream. But as we all can appreciate, time passes and things change.

And here we are.

I graduated from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs on May 18th of this year with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. On July 5th (3 days before my wedding!) I took the NCLEX, and on July 7th I was informed that I passed and was officially licensed as a registered nurse in the state of Colorado. Since then, I have applied for 100+ jobs and received the same number of rejections.

It's been discouraging, to say the least.

On the upside, God has been using this time to speak to my heart in a number of ways. One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn, however, is simply to trust Him.

The Lord recently brought to my attention the fact that I was holding onto this job situation entirely too tightly and doing everything in my power to remain in control. I can appreciate the basic knowledge that I will get the job that God has set aside for me. I believe with all my heart that he has the perfect job in mind for me. The real issue, though, is WHEN. That's the seemingly simple thing I've struggled to let go of. I have no problem believing there is a job in store for me, I'm just getting incredibly impatient.

Psalm 16:9 says, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

I'm learning that I can apply for jobs until I'm blue in the face, but I'll get rejected left and right until it's within God's perfect timing. And that's not to say I'm simply going to stop trying until God drops a job in my lap. I'm going to continue to apply for as many jobs as will accept my application. But I'm choosing to be content with the rejections, because I'm more interested in God's timing than my own.

Along with trusting Him comes the need to be content in the time of waiting. This has been another difficult concept for me. However...

Yesterday I accepted a job as a nanny for two little girls. It's not the RN job I've been dreaming about, but it's a job doing something I absolutely love, and I wholeheartedly believe it's an answer to prayer. I've been blessed with a job, during which I will continue to apply for RN positions with the family's blessing. When it comes to nannying, getting hired to work "until further notice"from the nanny's perspective is basically unheard of. To top it all off, the family is incredible and the girls are absolute dolls.

The Lord has continued to be gracious and teach me what it looks like to be content in this season of waiting. He has humbled me by providing me with a job that I didn't expect in the mean time. I haven't been abandoned or hung out to dry, it's simply not my time yet. So I am continuing to choose to be content with where God has me now, and trust that he is continuing to prepare me for what He has in store.

To Simply Wait

All throughout nursing school, people are constantly complimenting and encouraging your career choice: family, friends, teachers, clinical faculty, even acquaintances. It’s always something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s a great field!” or “Good for you, they always need more nurses!” and my personal favorite, “You’ll always have a job!”

What they don’t tell you, though, is that if you’re a new grad all bets are off.

The other day I woke up to not one—not two—but FIVE rejection emails from some of the various hospitals I applied to the day before. Since graduation I’ve submitted upwards of 100 job applications with nothing to show for it.

Aaron and I are extremely blessed in that we aren’t in immediate need of a second income, so my finding a job isn’t urgent in that respect. You’d think that after 4 long, challenging years of nursing school, time off would be a welcome respite. But I’m just beginning to realize exactly how much of my identity has been found in nursing and in my working hard in school. Now, with school behind me and no prospective jobs on the horizon, I’ve found myself feeling strangely worthless. All throughout school I was constantly complaining about the workload and how I couldn’t wait to be finished—and now that I am, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve really been wrestling with God lately about my job hunt having been futile thus far. It’s frustrating and discouraging, and even with my BSN and RN licensure I still feel under-qualified. However, despite the disappointment, I’m still so confident that God is at work in my heart.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

-       As I mentioned before, I’ve realized exactly how much I’ve identified myself in my accomplishments and my working toward something. While I think it’s good to be motivated and for good workmanship to be an important part of my personality, realizing this has provided me with the perfect opportunity to refocus. The Lord has been using this to remind me that my identity should not be in what I accomplish—my identity is in Christ alone. By identifying myself in my work and my accomplishments (and coincidentally, the lack thereof), I subject myself to inevitable feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and failure. But when my identity is in Christ, the exact opposite is true. In Him, I

-      - am completely forgiven (Eph. 4:32)

-       -have the life of Jesus (Col. 2:9)

-       -am free (Gal 2:4)

-       -am dearly loved (Col. 3:12)

-       -am chosen (Col. 3:12)

-       -am adopted into the family of God (Eph. 1:5)

-       -have wisdom (1 Cor. 4:10)

-       -have hope (1 Cor. 15:19)

-       -am alive (1 Cor. 15:22)

-       -am near to God (Eph. 2:13)

-       -can’t be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:39)

-       -am holy (Col. 3:12)

-       -am made righteous (Phil. 3:9)

-       -have every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3)

-       -am made new (2 Cor. 5:17)

-       -have been made complete (1 John 2:5)

-       -have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)

-       -am God’s handiwork created for good works (Eph. 2:10)

-       -have peace with God (Phil. 4:7)

-       -have the power of Jesus (2 Tim. 1:7)

-       -am free from sin’s power (Rom. 6:11)

And so, God is showing me to adjust my mindset. Rather than identifying myself as Kaila Norris, RN, BSN who happens to be a follower of Christ, I am a child of the living God who happens to be a new graduate RN in the market for a job.

The Lord is slowly but surely transforming my discouragement into a greater knowledge of who I am in Him. And rather than seeing this season of life simply as one of unemployment, I'm beginning to see it as an opportunity to simply sit still in His presence and learn what he He has to teach me.