I've heard it said that life is too short to do things that you don't want to do. Often times I'm tempted to fall into this habit of thinking. I mean, to be fair, life is short. The Bible itself describes us as "just a vapor" (James 4:14, NASB). But the more I think about it, the more I think that we've blown this whole live-for-the-moment mindset completely out of proportion.
This week I finished reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. In one of the last chapters, I read something that the Lord has really been pressing upon my heart:
"...now it's time to spend your lives."
Ever since I read, reread, and highlighted those words, it's like God has continually reminded me each day to spend myself. And ever since, I have been wrestling with what that looks like.
I think it goes without saying that Jesus was the ultimate example of what it means to spend oneself. In everything about His ministry, the way He taught, healed, and invested in the lives of those around Him, He spent Himself. In humbling Himself to walk the earth as a man and unconditionally serve a lost and undeserving people He spent Himself. And in willingly sacrificing His own life to atone for every sin ever committed, He spent Himself in the greatest way.
I believe with all my heart that this is what we are called to. To love, to serve, and to bring God glory. I also believe that in order to accomplish any of these things, we must give of ourselves. That doesn't mean it's always easy. Or enjoyable. Sometimes it might even be that last thing in the world we'd ever want to do. But that's all part of taking up our cross daily. The Lord is really challenging me with this lately, and I absolutely love it. I don't want to live for me. I want to live for Jesus, and I want my own interests to be the very last thing on my list of priorities.
I believe that therein lies the simplest and purest form of joy this side of heaven.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
convicted.
Lately I've felt the Lord gently convicting me of how sarcastic I can be. My intention has only ever been lighthearted, but I'm becoming aware of how it sounds sometimes...
mean.
A few nights ago, Aaron was driving me home and I was joking around with him when he told me that sometimes my jokes come off really rude. Again, that's never my intention. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
The other night I said, "I hate you" to one of my good friends (completely joking, of course, because she was beating me at Hanging With Friends). When my roommate heard me, she quietly said, "Aww, don't say that." They both knew I was joking, and my roommate was in no way being bossy or harsh. But hearing that really hit me.
I don't want to be sarcastic. I don't want to be mean or rude. And I definitely don't want to tell anyone that I hate them, even if it is just jokingly. I've never considered myself a "mean" person, so being convicted of this has been really hard. I'm ashamed of myself, and my first reaction is to get defensive. But like I said...I don't want to be mean.
God has been ever so patient with me on this. More patient than I deserve. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about where this rude, sarcastic humor has been coming from. My only conclusion at this point is that it has something to do with the position of my heart. And if I'm being quite honest, I think it has a heck of a lot to do with how insecure I am. I'm not proud of either of these things, and frankly it's hard to admit to. I hate the idea that something deeply rooted in my heart is causing me to be so harsh. Unfortunately, it's the truth; but lucky for me, in the words of one of my dearest friends, "There's grace for that."
I'm so grateful for God's mercies and that He was gracious enough to bring this to my attention as gently as he has. I'm also grateful that He loves me enough to nudge me closer to His heart and away from the world's idea of humor. Now it's up to me to remain prayerful that the Lord will show me the things in my heart that need to change, and trust that He'll walk with me through it.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." - Psalm 139:23-24
mean.
A few nights ago, Aaron was driving me home and I was joking around with him when he told me that sometimes my jokes come off really rude. Again, that's never my intention. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
The other night I said, "I hate you" to one of my good friends (completely joking, of course, because she was beating me at Hanging With Friends). When my roommate heard me, she quietly said, "Aww, don't say that." They both knew I was joking, and my roommate was in no way being bossy or harsh. But hearing that really hit me.
I don't want to be sarcastic. I don't want to be mean or rude. And I definitely don't want to tell anyone that I hate them, even if it is just jokingly. I've never considered myself a "mean" person, so being convicted of this has been really hard. I'm ashamed of myself, and my first reaction is to get defensive. But like I said...I don't want to be mean.
God has been ever so patient with me on this. More patient than I deserve. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about where this rude, sarcastic humor has been coming from. My only conclusion at this point is that it has something to do with the position of my heart. And if I'm being quite honest, I think it has a heck of a lot to do with how insecure I am. I'm not proud of either of these things, and frankly it's hard to admit to. I hate the idea that something deeply rooted in my heart is causing me to be so harsh. Unfortunately, it's the truth; but lucky for me, in the words of one of my dearest friends, "There's grace for that."
I'm so grateful for God's mercies and that He was gracious enough to bring this to my attention as gently as he has. I'm also grateful that He loves me enough to nudge me closer to His heart and away from the world's idea of humor. Now it's up to me to remain prayerful that the Lord will show me the things in my heart that need to change, and trust that He'll walk with me through it.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." - Psalm 139:23-24
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil
I struggle with holding on to things far too tightly and far longer than I should. 99% of the time it's the past, and my heart never fails to re-break at any miniscule hint of that thing I can't let go of.
The ridiculous thing is, these things shouldn't be hurting me anymore. They're over. Faults have been forgiven and things are different now. So why can't I let go? And worse yet, why do I have this horrible desire to know every last detail of situations that took place months ago, when I know it's just going to hurt me more?
The Lord has a funny way of making Himself heard sometimes.
This is what I've been struggling with tonight. But I sat down to read the chapters of So Long, Insecurity that we're covering in Bible study tomorrow, and the first one may as well have been addressed to me. Beth Moore discusses the exact struggle I'm having right now. I'm in absolute awe of how perfect this is. In her words,
"We can insist on knowing more about ______________ than we end up being able to handle." Yep. That's me. "Details...can paint vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time your close your eyes. Most of the time the information emerging from our persistent, prurient interest proves very harmful. What's most baffling is the cycle of insecurity it causes. We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every though, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can't handle the answers to."
God put me in my place to say the least.
Beth Moore compares situations like this to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is incredible (and humbling). We want to know what only God was meant to know. "What God initiates, He equips us to handle." In other words, what I know because God intends for me to know it, God will give me the grace to accept and deal with. The things I pursue beyond that are without a doubt more than I can handle and more than I am supposed to know. God is omnicient because He is completely perfect, immutable, and holy, and He can handle it. Simply put, I can't know everything. My mind and my emotions weren't designed to be able to know and cope with everything. I can only effectively cope with what God intends for me to. If that's not humbling, then I don't know what is.
So now I know, and now my mind and my heart can rest knowing that everything is as it should be right now. Dwelling on the past will only keep me stuck there.
What's done is done. Time to let go and move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day.
The ridiculous thing is, these things shouldn't be hurting me anymore. They're over. Faults have been forgiven and things are different now. So why can't I let go? And worse yet, why do I have this horrible desire to know every last detail of situations that took place months ago, when I know it's just going to hurt me more?
The Lord has a funny way of making Himself heard sometimes.
This is what I've been struggling with tonight. But I sat down to read the chapters of So Long, Insecurity that we're covering in Bible study tomorrow, and the first one may as well have been addressed to me. Beth Moore discusses the exact struggle I'm having right now. I'm in absolute awe of how perfect this is. In her words,
"We can insist on knowing more about ______________ than we end up being able to handle." Yep. That's me. "Details...can paint vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time your close your eyes. Most of the time the information emerging from our persistent, prurient interest proves very harmful. What's most baffling is the cycle of insecurity it causes. We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every though, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can't handle the answers to."
God put me in my place to say the least.
Beth Moore compares situations like this to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is incredible (and humbling). We want to know what only God was meant to know. "What God initiates, He equips us to handle." In other words, what I know because God intends for me to know it, God will give me the grace to accept and deal with. The things I pursue beyond that are without a doubt more than I can handle and more than I am supposed to know. God is omnicient because He is completely perfect, immutable, and holy, and He can handle it. Simply put, I can't know everything. My mind and my emotions weren't designed to be able to know and cope with everything. I can only effectively cope with what God intends for me to. If that's not humbling, then I don't know what is.
So now I know, and now my mind and my heart can rest knowing that everything is as it should be right now. Dwelling on the past will only keep me stuck there.
What's done is done. Time to let go and move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thankful
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Monday, November 14, 2011
overwhelmed.
I got engaged less than a week ago and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Proposal
Aaron and I officially started dating on November 8th, 2008.
Now here we are, three years later. Three crazy, heart-wrenching, painful, yet beautiful years that I wouldn't do differently for the world.
Tuesday was our 3 year anniversary. They may not have been consecutive years, but if you know anything about our story, you know that they're definitely still something to celebrate. Neither of us have class on Tuesdays and neither of us worked, so we had planned to spend the entire day together. I was told to be ready by 9:30, and was presented with a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers when he picked me up. We went to Starbucks and each got a coffee (hazelnut coffee with cream for him, skinny vanilla latte for me), and we headed up to Palmer Park. [For those of you who are unfamiliar, Palmer Park is huge and gorgeous and overlooks most of Colorado Springs with an incredible view of Pikes Peak]. It just so happened that we were the only two people around, and we sat down on a bench to have a quiet time together. He asked me what I would like to read, and I requested Psalm 93 and 94 because I have been working my way through the Psalms by reading two per day. When I asked him what he wanted to read, he flipped to 1 John 4 and read verses 7-21 aloud to me:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, his is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
After he finished reading, he handed me a card. The card was blank, but on the inside he had written "November 8, 2011..." I looked up at him and he said, "The rest I have to do on one knee." He knelt down in front of me and started saying all sorts of beautiful things that unfortunately I can't remember because at this point I was FREAKING OUT. He pulled the (giant) ring box out of his coat pocket and opened it, and inside was the most gorgeous, perfect diamond ring I've ever laid eyes on. It's his great-grandmother's diamond that he had set especially for me!
Well obviously, I said yes! And as soon as I did, our dear friend Michael Lyon popped out from behind some rocks--he had been photographing the entire proposal :) Michael took a few more pictures, then we started making phone calls and set off to enjoy the rest of our day together. We had lunch in Castle Rock with his mom and his brother, Nate; walked around Park Meadows Mall; went to Denver to see his brother, Stephen's new house (which is hands down the sweetest house I've ever seen); and walked around 16th Street Mall before having dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
Yesterday was perfect--the most wonderful day of my life, and I'm proud to announce that I'm now officially engaged to my best friend and the love of my life!
Now here we are, three years later. Three crazy, heart-wrenching, painful, yet beautiful years that I wouldn't do differently for the world.
Tuesday was our 3 year anniversary. They may not have been consecutive years, but if you know anything about our story, you know that they're definitely still something to celebrate. Neither of us have class on Tuesdays and neither of us worked, so we had planned to spend the entire day together. I was told to be ready by 9:30, and was presented with a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers when he picked me up. We went to Starbucks and each got a coffee (hazelnut coffee with cream for him, skinny vanilla latte for me), and we headed up to Palmer Park. [For those of you who are unfamiliar, Palmer Park is huge and gorgeous and overlooks most of Colorado Springs with an incredible view of Pikes Peak]. It just so happened that we were the only two people around, and we sat down on a bench to have a quiet time together. He asked me what I would like to read, and I requested Psalm 93 and 94 because I have been working my way through the Psalms by reading two per day. When I asked him what he wanted to read, he flipped to 1 John 4 and read verses 7-21 aloud to me:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, his is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
After he finished reading, he handed me a card. The card was blank, but on the inside he had written "November 8, 2011..." I looked up at him and he said, "The rest I have to do on one knee." He knelt down in front of me and started saying all sorts of beautiful things that unfortunately I can't remember because at this point I was FREAKING OUT. He pulled the (giant) ring box out of his coat pocket and opened it, and inside was the most gorgeous, perfect diamond ring I've ever laid eyes on. It's his great-grandmother's diamond that he had set especially for me!
Well obviously, I said yes! And as soon as I did, our dear friend Michael Lyon popped out from behind some rocks--he had been photographing the entire proposal :) Michael took a few more pictures, then we started making phone calls and set off to enjoy the rest of our day together. We had lunch in Castle Rock with his mom and his brother, Nate; walked around Park Meadows Mall; went to Denver to see his brother, Stephen's new house (which is hands down the sweetest house I've ever seen); and walked around 16th Street Mall before having dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
Yesterday was perfect--the most wonderful day of my life, and I'm proud to announce that I'm now officially engaged to my best friend and the love of my life!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Patience.
I know it's coming...any day now, literally. It's all I can think about and I'm SO excited! It almost seems unfair to have to wait...
I was driving home this afternoon and a song by Kim Walker came on. The chorus goes like this:
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
The lyrics are so simple, but so beautiful. The song really spoke to my heart about contentment. Waiting impatiently only subtracts from the here and now, and I don't want to live like that. I don't want to miss anything. These next few months are really going to stretch my patience, but that's probably because that's exactly what I need right now. So I'm more than happy to wait and to learn. He is all I need, and I've got Him.
After all, contentedness is one of the purest forms of beauty.
I was driving home this afternoon and a song by Kim Walker came on. The chorus goes like this:
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
The lyrics are so simple, but so beautiful. The song really spoke to my heart about contentment. Waiting impatiently only subtracts from the here and now, and I don't want to live like that. I don't want to miss anything. These next few months are really going to stretch my patience, but that's probably because that's exactly what I need right now. So I'm more than happy to wait and to learn. He is all I need, and I've got Him.
After all, contentedness is one of the purest forms of beauty.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Despicable Me
I just caught myself praying the most ridiculous prayer. It was more or less me telling God what's going on in my life and asking him to give me strength and to bless me in it. Almost immediately it was like I heard Him say,
"Wait a minute, Who's in charge here?"
All of a sudden the position of my heart was changed and it dropped to it's proverbial little knees. No wonder I've been so nervous and anxious all week--I've been trying to do this on my own and asking Him to come alongside me, when instead I should be looking to Him for direction. He is in control, and I'm more or less along for the ride. How do I manage to keep forgetting that? It feels like I've been re-learning this particular lesson on a near-weekly basis lately. Hopefully this time it'll stick.
Lord, thank you that your grace is enough to cover my sinful human pride. I'm sorry I keep trying to do this on my own strength. I can't. I need You. Please help me to always remember to ask You what You're doing, rather than assume I have it figured out. I trust that You are in control, and I surrender all that I am into Your gentle, creative hands. Make of me what You will. I love you, Jesus. Amen.
"Wait a minute, Who's in charge here?"
All of a sudden the position of my heart was changed and it dropped to it's proverbial little knees. No wonder I've been so nervous and anxious all week--I've been trying to do this on my own and asking Him to come alongside me, when instead I should be looking to Him for direction. He is in control, and I'm more or less along for the ride. How do I manage to keep forgetting that? It feels like I've been re-learning this particular lesson on a near-weekly basis lately. Hopefully this time it'll stick.
Lord, thank you that your grace is enough to cover my sinful human pride. I'm sorry I keep trying to do this on my own strength. I can't. I need You. Please help me to always remember to ask You what You're doing, rather than assume I have it figured out. I trust that You are in control, and I surrender all that I am into Your gentle, creative hands. Make of me what You will. I love you, Jesus. Amen.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My Trip to Cambodia
I realize I'm about 3 months late getting this up, but I'm feeling extremely nostalgic and missing Cambodia today, so now seemed like a good time to post this. These were two of the most incredible and memorable weeks of my life, and my heart is absolutely breaking to go back.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Make Me Bold
This semester I'm doing a Bible study with two of my very best friends. Right now we're reading a book called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. Tonight while we were discussing the chapters we read for the week, I came to a horrifying conclusion:
One of my biggest insecurities is what I believe in.
Let me back up for a minute; I know what I believe. Or, better yet, Who I believe in. That's never been the question. The problem is that I'm extremely hesitant when it comes to sharing what I believe with others.
For whatever reason, I've always had it in my head that the whole rest of the world sees Christians as complete nutcases. That for those who aren't religious (I really hate that word, but 'spiritual' is too broad), those of us who believe in Jesus as the Son of God are off our rockers. The more I thought about it, and the more Bekah, Kim, and I talked about it, I started to realize that I'm afraid that because I am a Christian, non-Christians won't take me seriously.
Now I believe that this fear stems from an even deeper one: the fear of being judged, labelled, stereotyped, and disregarded. I'm ashamed to admit that I've allowed this fear to put me in a box. I'm not very verbal about what I believe around nonbelievers for one of two reasons: 1.) I'm afraid they'll think I'm a lunatic, or 2.) I make this wild assumption that nothing I say will ever cause them to believe what I believe.
I, I, I, me, me me. Goodness gracious, there's my problem.
I won't go through the whole long process, but I will say that my girls and I had so many really good discussions about all of this. Here's what we learned:
1.) Most people thought Jesus was nuts. Didn't stop Him.
2.) The Gospel message is too important not to share it every chance I get.
3.) I have been set apart and called to spread the Word. [2 Cor. 5:20-21]
4.) In the end, when I'm standing before my Savior, it won't matter what anyone else thought of me.
5.) I need to start viewing other people not as nonbelievers, but as lost souls. Souls that will one day burn in hell if they reject Jesus. I love the people in my life far too much to let that happen. It's not up to me, but I'm gonna do everything within my power to help them see the Truth.
6.) Bekah compared our faith to someone who lives and breathes a sport, like soccer. They would intentionally invite others into the aspect of their life because it was so important to them; invite them to games, talk about it all the time, etc. That's exactly how excited I want to be about my faith.
Actually verbalizing that I'm insecure when it comes to sharing my faith was a pretty big slap in the face. But I needed it. I had never given it this much thought before, and to be completely honest, it bugs the heck out of me. Sharing my faith really has nothing to do with me at all. It's not about my story, it's about His. It's the most important story ever told, and I should be bursting at the seams to invite people into it. I'd rather have people think I'm a lunatic than stand before God on Judgment Day knowing I could have done better.
Jesus, make me bold!
One of my biggest insecurities is what I believe in.
Let me back up for a minute; I know what I believe. Or, better yet, Who I believe in. That's never been the question. The problem is that I'm extremely hesitant when it comes to sharing what I believe with others.
For whatever reason, I've always had it in my head that the whole rest of the world sees Christians as complete nutcases. That for those who aren't religious (I really hate that word, but 'spiritual' is too broad), those of us who believe in Jesus as the Son of God are off our rockers. The more I thought about it, and the more Bekah, Kim, and I talked about it, I started to realize that I'm afraid that because I am a Christian, non-Christians won't take me seriously.
Now I believe that this fear stems from an even deeper one: the fear of being judged, labelled, stereotyped, and disregarded. I'm ashamed to admit that I've allowed this fear to put me in a box. I'm not very verbal about what I believe around nonbelievers for one of two reasons: 1.) I'm afraid they'll think I'm a lunatic, or 2.) I make this wild assumption that nothing I say will ever cause them to believe what I believe.
I, I, I, me, me me. Goodness gracious, there's my problem.
I won't go through the whole long process, but I will say that my girls and I had so many really good discussions about all of this. Here's what we learned:
1.) Most people thought Jesus was nuts. Didn't stop Him.
2.) The Gospel message is too important not to share it every chance I get.
3.) I have been set apart and called to spread the Word. [2 Cor. 5:20-21]
4.) In the end, when I'm standing before my Savior, it won't matter what anyone else thought of me.
5.) I need to start viewing other people not as nonbelievers, but as lost souls. Souls that will one day burn in hell if they reject Jesus. I love the people in my life far too much to let that happen. It's not up to me, but I'm gonna do everything within my power to help them see the Truth.
6.) Bekah compared our faith to someone who lives and breathes a sport, like soccer. They would intentionally invite others into the aspect of their life because it was so important to them; invite them to games, talk about it all the time, etc. That's exactly how excited I want to be about my faith.
Actually verbalizing that I'm insecure when it comes to sharing my faith was a pretty big slap in the face. But I needed it. I had never given it this much thought before, and to be completely honest, it bugs the heck out of me. Sharing my faith really has nothing to do with me at all. It's not about my story, it's about His. It's the most important story ever told, and I should be bursting at the seams to invite people into it. I'd rather have people think I'm a lunatic than stand before God on Judgment Day knowing I could have done better.
Jesus, make me bold!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sore No More.
So I have this "sore spot."
I think it's safe to say that everyone has one at one time or another. Some deeply-rooted, painful memory from our past that tends to stick with us and flare up whenever something or someone accidentally (or sometimes even intentionally) touches it. Mine has to do with feeling replaced and is accompanied by this awful fear that it will undoubtedly happen again. This has been my "sore spot" for a long, long time. So long, in fact, that up until very recently I had come to accept my sore spot as part of who I am.
This morning I was discussing this with my therapist. I was telling her about how even the littlest things trigger this tidal wave of emotions that can all be boiled down to feeling like I am completely replaceable in other people's lives. Then she asked me, "Kaila, are you replaceable?"
Her question all but slapped me in the face, and suddenly it was as if someone had turned all the lights on. No. I'm not replaceable.
I have played a number of roles in my relationships: sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, roommate, what have you. But I was identifying myself so closely with these roles that I wasn't separating out who I am. Not all my roles are set in stone. Sure, someone else can fill roles I've played in the past, but that does not mean I myself am replaceable. It does not, in any way, subtract from who I am. I'm the only person on this planet who walks, talks, thinks, laughs, plays, feels, and loves like Kaila Arielle Bowlin. I am completely irreplaceable :)
My "sore spot" was nothing more than a lie from the pits of hell. The memories and the hurt are all very real, but there was no reason to let it become a pattern. I was believing the lie. I was actively claiming this as a weakness and submitting to the authority I allowed to it have over my life. But I don't have to anymore! I'm covered in the healing blood of Jesus and I have been set free. God is infinitely bigger than this and is more than capable of healing me. All I needed to do was ask Him.
So no more: No more resigning myself to that kind of brokenness. No more believing the lie that I am destined to a constant source of heartache. No more submitting myself to the schemes of the devil. I refuse to continue to give him power over my life. My God is bigger than this, and all authority belongs to Him. In His hands I am healed and whole :)
It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1
I think it's safe to say that everyone has one at one time or another. Some deeply-rooted, painful memory from our past that tends to stick with us and flare up whenever something or someone accidentally (or sometimes even intentionally) touches it. Mine has to do with feeling replaced and is accompanied by this awful fear that it will undoubtedly happen again. This has been my "sore spot" for a long, long time. So long, in fact, that up until very recently I had come to accept my sore spot as part of who I am.
This morning I was discussing this with my therapist. I was telling her about how even the littlest things trigger this tidal wave of emotions that can all be boiled down to feeling like I am completely replaceable in other people's lives. Then she asked me, "Kaila, are you replaceable?"
Her question all but slapped me in the face, and suddenly it was as if someone had turned all the lights on. No. I'm not replaceable.
I have played a number of roles in my relationships: sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, roommate, what have you. But I was identifying myself so closely with these roles that I wasn't separating out who I am. Not all my roles are set in stone. Sure, someone else can fill roles I've played in the past, but that does not mean I myself am replaceable. It does not, in any way, subtract from who I am. I'm the only person on this planet who walks, talks, thinks, laughs, plays, feels, and loves like Kaila Arielle Bowlin. I am completely irreplaceable :)
My "sore spot" was nothing more than a lie from the pits of hell. The memories and the hurt are all very real, but there was no reason to let it become a pattern. I was believing the lie. I was actively claiming this as a weakness and submitting to the authority I allowed to it have over my life. But I don't have to anymore! I'm covered in the healing blood of Jesus and I have been set free. God is infinitely bigger than this and is more than capable of healing me. All I needed to do was ask Him.
So no more: No more resigning myself to that kind of brokenness. No more believing the lie that I am destined to a constant source of heartache. No more submitting myself to the schemes of the devil. I refuse to continue to give him power over my life. My God is bigger than this, and all authority belongs to Him. In His hands I am healed and whole :)
It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Letter to Me
Precious Kaila,
Be beautiful. You are beautiful, but your body has nothing to do with it. You are filled with the love and grace of your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and He makes you beautiful.
Be vulnerable. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to be broken. Accept that fact and come into it. Don’t hide behind a fake smile; find a reason for a real one. He’s giving you strength, but it’s a process.
Be present. Stop waiting for tomorrow. Stop daydreaming about the unknown. Be here now. Live in this moment, not for the possibility of the next. Pour all of yourself into today. Don’t hold back.
Sparkle! The King of the Universe resides in your heart and wants to shine through you. Let Him! Soak Him in.
Seek God. Violently. Passionately. Always. In finding Him, you’ll find yourself and who He created you to be. Find His heart, and you’ll find your calling.
[I recently found this letter that I wrote to myself on April 9, 2010. God was absolutely speaking these words through me, because even now, over a year later, I need them.]
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Make Me Meek
Something occurred to me today.
I've never really considered pride to be a huge struggle for me. And now, simply seeing that sentence written out I feel foolish. Everybody struggles with pride, just in different ways. See, I've always pictured pride as that cocky, look-what-I-can-do kind of attitude. But I read this today, and it definitely changed my perspective:
"As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope for inward peace? The heart's fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them." - A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God
It's not so much that I was becoming my own god, it's that I was trying to be somebody else's. I went so far as to place the vast majority of my value in the role I played in that somebody's life. I wanted to be his everything. Because of that, it felt like I was competing against every other girl in his life for the love and affection that I thought I alone deserved. I wanted to be set apart. I convinced myself that this was what every girl deserves. Don't get me wrong, I believe that every girl deserves to be pursued by a man, and to know that she is captivating and beautiful. Every girl deserves to feel special to someone. Unfortunately, I just took it too far and expected more than what was fair of me. For that I'm very sorry.
The worst part of stuff like this is being so wrapped up that you don't realize it. I know and believe with all my heart that the only thing big enough to fill the depth of my desire to find my worth is Jesus. Nothing else fulfills, nothing else satisfies. And that goes for that somebody, too. I could never fulfill him or anyone the way Jesus can.
Realizing this has really humbled my heart. I absolutely love that Tozer goes on to say, "The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort." I consider this a challenge. I've always been very insecure and in need of affirmation. But now I'm choosing to do everything in my power to let that go for good in hopes that Jesus will make me more like Him.
Make me meek, Jesus, and let all my confidence be forever in You.
I've never really considered pride to be a huge struggle for me. And now, simply seeing that sentence written out I feel foolish. Everybody struggles with pride, just in different ways. See, I've always pictured pride as that cocky, look-what-I-can-do kind of attitude. But I read this today, and it definitely changed my perspective:
"As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope for inward peace? The heart's fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them." - A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God
It's not so much that I was becoming my own god, it's that I was trying to be somebody else's. I went so far as to place the vast majority of my value in the role I played in that somebody's life. I wanted to be his everything. Because of that, it felt like I was competing against every other girl in his life for the love and affection that I thought I alone deserved. I wanted to be set apart. I convinced myself that this was what every girl deserves. Don't get me wrong, I believe that every girl deserves to be pursued by a man, and to know that she is captivating and beautiful. Every girl deserves to feel special to someone. Unfortunately, I just took it too far and expected more than what was fair of me. For that I'm very sorry.
The worst part of stuff like this is being so wrapped up that you don't realize it. I know and believe with all my heart that the only thing big enough to fill the depth of my desire to find my worth is Jesus. Nothing else fulfills, nothing else satisfies. And that goes for that somebody, too. I could never fulfill him or anyone the way Jesus can.
Realizing this has really humbled my heart. I absolutely love that Tozer goes on to say, "The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort." I consider this a challenge. I've always been very insecure and in need of affirmation. But now I'm choosing to do everything in my power to let that go for good in hopes that Jesus will make me more like Him.
Make me meek, Jesus, and let all my confidence be forever in You.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Proverbs 31 Woman (Part 3)
So I have to be honest--I've struggled to find the motivation to finish my study on what it means to be the Proverbs 31 Woman. But today I feel like God has it specially on my heart to finish. So here it goes...
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen.
Back when Proverbs was written, linen garments were considered finery. I don't want to over-exegete this verse, but it seems like it's saying that a woman of the Lord profits from her skill and productivity.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.
A good friend gave me this verse once to encourage me and I absolutely love it. As a woman of God, I am called to cover myself with strength and dignity. I love the "clothing" metaphor. Getting dressed is one of the first things we do in the morning and it's how we start each and every day. As a woman of God, I am to begin each day by putting on strength and dignity. Dignity is defined as, "the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect." Dignity in itself is a high calling, but one that is absolutely achievable if we truly submit our hearts to God and pursue Him in everything. And I love the phrase, "she smiles at the future." I have no need to worry. When I put my trust in the Lord all there is to do is smile, because I know that He has everything under control.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
This is so beautiful. A woman of God knows both when to speak and what to say. She also teaches others to be kind, as well as gives instruction with and out of kindness. I can't help but associate this with gentleness and poise.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Simply put: a woman of God is not lazy. She is vigilant and keeps watch over her family.
28-29 Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and her praises her, saying: 'Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.'
A woman of God is lovable and loved. Not only does she possess all these wonderful, godly characteristics, she is known for them. I hope and pray that one day my husband and children cay say this of me. I think it's also necessary to point out that this isn't for pride's sake by any means. I want to be identified as a woman of God simply because of the way I live my life, not because of a selfish effort to achieve biblical perfection. Achieving these things in vain is no better than never achieving them at all.
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
This verse is pretty popular, and I think the core message of it does a pretty good job of summing up all 21 verses: the most important thing about a woman (or any person, for that matter) is her relationship with the Lord. Charm and beauty may be important things in today's society, but in the end it won't matter how charming we were or how beautiful we were by the world's standards. None of it lasts. As Peter puts it, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight" (1 Peter 3:3-6).
31 Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
So what did I learn from all this? Where to begin...I can say that a lot of reflection and processing went on throughout the past week or so that has allowed me to apply this knowledge to my life in actual, practical ways. I'm always seeing areas in my life where I'm failing to exemplify many of these qualities. I often make the mistake of perceiving it on a success continuum; as in one day I'll have finally mastered all this and I can finally be considered a "good" woman of God. But God is gracious enough to show me over and over again that the walk of faith is one of obedience, not success. I'm never gonna master any of this as long as I'm human. But I find so much comfort in the fact that God doesn't expect that of me. All He asks is that I do my best each and every day to pursue Him and in that, to bear fruit. God has grace for the times that I fail. I'm by no means saying that it's okay to be content with never achieving any of this; but I am saying that I'm required to obey and to strive for holiness, not to be perfect. And so that's what I'm choosing: to run as fast as I can in His direction and let that be all I need.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Proverbs 31 Woman (Part 2)
Let's recap:
A woman who fears the Lord is a rare and precious thing. She is trustworthy, she is good and kind always, she works and serves joyfully and willingly, she is dependable, diligent, wise, and discerning.
And on that note, let's continue.
17 She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
In other translations, this verse reads: "She is energetic and strong, a hard worker" (NLT); "First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started" (Message); "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks" (NIV); "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong" (ESV). I think that this individual verse says a lot about the character of a true woman of God. I must be energetic, strong, hard-working, eager, thorough, willing, diligent, persistent, and driven. And those are just a few.
18 She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night.
Again, emphasizing some of the characteristics I mentioned before, in addition to being frugal, conscientious, wise, sensible, and logical.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle.
Again: hard-working, diligent, thorough, etc.
20 She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy.
A woman of God is compassionate, loving, generous, selfless, kind, good, and aware. Her attention extends beyond that of herself and her family. She is a giver.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
A woman of God plans ahead and provides accordingly. Her focus is not simply on the here-and-now, but also on what is to come. She is well-prepared and meets the needs of her family.
22 She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
A woman of God is self-sufficient.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
To be honest, I'm a little hesitant to exegete this verse. It could probably be interpreted specifically as well as more generally. What I will say is that a woman of God and her family are recognized as respectable.
Proverbs 31: 17-23
[Some of this may seem brief, and I agree that I'm leaving plenty of room for a much more in-depth analysis. But I'm doing this for me, and the things I'm learning from this are just right for where I'm at. Just saying.]
A woman who fears the Lord is a rare and precious thing. She is trustworthy, she is good and kind always, she works and serves joyfully and willingly, she is dependable, diligent, wise, and discerning.
And on that note, let's continue.
17 She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
In other translations, this verse reads: "She is energetic and strong, a hard worker" (NLT); "First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started" (Message); "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks" (NIV); "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong" (ESV). I think that this individual verse says a lot about the character of a true woman of God. I must be energetic, strong, hard-working, eager, thorough, willing, diligent, persistent, and driven. And those are just a few.
18 She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night.
Again, emphasizing some of the characteristics I mentioned before, in addition to being frugal, conscientious, wise, sensible, and logical.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle.
Again: hard-working, diligent, thorough, etc.
20 She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy.
A woman of God is compassionate, loving, generous, selfless, kind, good, and aware. Her attention extends beyond that of herself and her family. She is a giver.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
A woman of God plans ahead and provides accordingly. Her focus is not simply on the here-and-now, but also on what is to come. She is well-prepared and meets the needs of her family.
22 She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
A woman of God is self-sufficient.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
To be honest, I'm a little hesitant to exegete this verse. It could probably be interpreted specifically as well as more generally. What I will say is that a woman of God and her family are recognized as respectable.
Proverbs 31: 17-23
[Some of this may seem brief, and I agree that I'm leaving plenty of room for a much more in-depth analysis. But I'm doing this for me, and the things I'm learning from this are just right for where I'm at. Just saying.]
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Control (or a lack thereof)
Lately I've found myself attacked with questions like, Who are you? and What do you think you're doing? But it's not other people asking me these questions...I'm asking them of myself. I have this awful tendency to lose myself to things...to people, to relationships, to school, to books, to tv shows, and to whatever else I let myself spend too much time on. My most recent loss of self, however, is to my appearance.
Over spring break I got my second tattoo. About two weeks ago I got my lip pierced. Two days ago I chopped six inches of my hair off. But for what?
Insecurity has always been a really big struggle for me. I've never really been confident in the way I look, and that always converted into shyness on my part. But in the past few months my personality has really begun to blossom--I'm bolder, more confident, even starting to become somewhat outgoing. I credit all of this to the work Jesus is doing in my heart. He's revealing Himself to me more and more each and every day; He's showing me who He created me to be and giving me confidence in that. My journey thus far has been beautiful, and I couldn't be happier with where He has me.
I have this other tendency: to get bored with myself and suddenly restless to change something. Usually, it translates to a new hairstyle and/or color, but my impulsive changes have gotten more drastic lately. Don't misunderstand me here; nothing has been a split-second decision. A lot of thought has gone into each one, along with permission from my parents. I don't regret chopping my hair, piercing my lip, or getting my tattoo. What I do regret is how I've let them start to define me. I've started identifying myself in my appearance rather than in my Savior. Again, please don't misunderstand--I don't spend any more time looking in the mirror now that I did before, and although I'm very content with the way I look, I still don't have that "hot stuff" mindset that a lot of girls do. But what I'm realizing that it's not my appearance in itself that I've lost myself to this time, it's my need for control. In high school and up through my first year of college, when things were hard and I was really struggling, I exercised my need for control over food, because I didn't feel like I had control over what was happening to me. That is such a dangerous place to be; I struggled with eating disorders for years, and the leftover tendencies are still something I have to be careful of. This time it crept up on me, and I didn't even realize it until I started writing this. The past few months have left me feeling out of control again, and I've tried to compensate for that by taking control over the way I look.
Obviously, my need for control is a pattern in my life, and something I really need to work on; but I'm confident that He is already working on my heart. My first reaction after realizing this is to feel ashamed, but on second thought, I don't think that's necessary. Everybody struggles with something. I've made so much progress in the past few months, and realizing this doesn't cancel any of that out--it's just opens another door for more progress in another direction.
Over spring break I got my second tattoo. About two weeks ago I got my lip pierced. Two days ago I chopped six inches of my hair off. But for what?
Insecurity has always been a really big struggle for me. I've never really been confident in the way I look, and that always converted into shyness on my part. But in the past few months my personality has really begun to blossom--I'm bolder, more confident, even starting to become somewhat outgoing. I credit all of this to the work Jesus is doing in my heart. He's revealing Himself to me more and more each and every day; He's showing me who He created me to be and giving me confidence in that. My journey thus far has been beautiful, and I couldn't be happier with where He has me.
I have this other tendency: to get bored with myself and suddenly restless to change something. Usually, it translates to a new hairstyle and/or color, but my impulsive changes have gotten more drastic lately. Don't misunderstand me here; nothing has been a split-second decision. A lot of thought has gone into each one, along with permission from my parents. I don't regret chopping my hair, piercing my lip, or getting my tattoo. What I do regret is how I've let them start to define me. I've started identifying myself in my appearance rather than in my Savior. Again, please don't misunderstand--I don't spend any more time looking in the mirror now that I did before, and although I'm very content with the way I look, I still don't have that "hot stuff" mindset that a lot of girls do. But what I'm realizing that it's not my appearance in itself that I've lost myself to this time, it's my need for control. In high school and up through my first year of college, when things were hard and I was really struggling, I exercised my need for control over food, because I didn't feel like I had control over what was happening to me. That is such a dangerous place to be; I struggled with eating disorders for years, and the leftover tendencies are still something I have to be careful of. This time it crept up on me, and I didn't even realize it until I started writing this. The past few months have left me feeling out of control again, and I've tried to compensate for that by taking control over the way I look.
Obviously, my need for control is a pattern in my life, and something I really need to work on; but I'm confident that He is already working on my heart. My first reaction after realizing this is to feel ashamed, but on second thought, I don't think that's necessary. Everybody struggles with something. I've made so much progress in the past few months, and realizing this doesn't cancel any of that out--it's just opens another door for more progress in another direction.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Proverbs 31 Woman (Part 1)
This morning I feel like God put Proverbs 31 on my heart, specifically the passage that describes a worthy woman. This is something I want so badly to mirror with my own life, so I'm letting Jesus walk me through it.
10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
Proverbs 21:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones." The word 'excellent' here also translates to 'virtuous.' This is a little nerve-racking, to be honest. Obviously it's so important for a woman to be virtuous and therefore considered excellent, but to fail at this means bringing other people down.
Proverbs 19:14 says, "...but a prudent wife is from the Lord." This one actually makes me feel a little better. If I lose myself in Jesus I really don't have anything to worry about :)
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
Obviously, being trustworthy is a really important quality, but for some reason I was a little surprised to notice it listed first. But I guess when you think about it, trust is the foundation of all good, healthy relationships. But this goes so much deeper than simply not telling lies. The word 'trustworthy' is defined as 'able to be relied on as honest or truthful.' This also means being dependable. It means being vulnerable with people so that they're comfortable being vulnerable with you. It's being approachable, receptive, and easy to talk to. It's being the type of woman people know will always listen.
12 She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
This one is kind of a no-brainer. Except the words 'all the days of her life.' Nobody can honestly say that they've been sweet and kind to everybody every single day of her life. Nobody's perfect. But as a worthy woman of God, I'm called to be sweet and kind to everybody always, not just when it's easy or when I feel like it. So even (and especially) when I'm having a bad day, or I'm frustrated, or I'm not feeling well, I'm to be sweet and gentle and loving. Galatians 5:22 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." That's the secret of doing good ALL the days of my life: being filled with the Holy Spirit.
13 She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight.
"In delight" here means willingly. As a woman of God, I'm to work and serve others joyfully and willingly, "as for the Lord, not for men" (Colossians 3:23). Complaining is easy. Taking short cuts is easy. Giving up is easy. But if being a worthy woman of God was easy, everyone would be doing it. I really think that's how we develop qualities like the fruit of the Spirit--by submitting to the Lord and to others with a happy heart, and by serving others without expecting to be immediately gratified.
14 She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar.
The only cross reference for this verse is Ezekiel 27:25, which says, "The ships of Tarshish were carriers for your merchandise. And you were filled and were very glorious in the heart of the seas." If I am to be like a merchant ship, I am to be dependable and know my role. I am to provide, and provide enough; and therefore bring contentment and satisfaction to those around me.
15 She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens.
I am called to be diligent and never lazy. I am to maintain a fervent spirit as I serve others and ultimately, Jesus. This involves being faithful and sensible, and reliable in performing tasks.
16 She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.
I believe this verse speaks strongly of discernment and making wise choices, along with being frugal and efficient. Wisdom and discernment only come from a strong relationship with the Lord and connection to the Holy Spirit.
Proverbs 31:10-16
More to come!
10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
Proverbs 21:4 says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones." The word 'excellent' here also translates to 'virtuous.' This is a little nerve-racking, to be honest. Obviously it's so important for a woman to be virtuous and therefore considered excellent, but to fail at this means bringing other people down.
Proverbs 19:14 says, "...but a prudent wife is from the Lord." This one actually makes me feel a little better. If I lose myself in Jesus I really don't have anything to worry about :)
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
Obviously, being trustworthy is a really important quality, but for some reason I was a little surprised to notice it listed first. But I guess when you think about it, trust is the foundation of all good, healthy relationships. But this goes so much deeper than simply not telling lies. The word 'trustworthy' is defined as 'able to be relied on as honest or truthful.' This also means being dependable. It means being vulnerable with people so that they're comfortable being vulnerable with you. It's being approachable, receptive, and easy to talk to. It's being the type of woman people know will always listen.
12 She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
This one is kind of a no-brainer. Except the words 'all the days of her life.' Nobody can honestly say that they've been sweet and kind to everybody every single day of her life. Nobody's perfect. But as a worthy woman of God, I'm called to be sweet and kind to everybody always, not just when it's easy or when I feel like it. So even (and especially) when I'm having a bad day, or I'm frustrated, or I'm not feeling well, I'm to be sweet and gentle and loving. Galatians 5:22 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." That's the secret of doing good ALL the days of my life: being filled with the Holy Spirit.
13 She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight.
"In delight" here means willingly. As a woman of God, I'm to work and serve others joyfully and willingly, "as for the Lord, not for men" (Colossians 3:23). Complaining is easy. Taking short cuts is easy. Giving up is easy. But if being a worthy woman of God was easy, everyone would be doing it. I really think that's how we develop qualities like the fruit of the Spirit--by submitting to the Lord and to others with a happy heart, and by serving others without expecting to be immediately gratified.
14 She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar.
The only cross reference for this verse is Ezekiel 27:25, which says, "The ships of Tarshish were carriers for your merchandise. And you were filled and were very glorious in the heart of the seas." If I am to be like a merchant ship, I am to be dependable and know my role. I am to provide, and provide enough; and therefore bring contentment and satisfaction to those around me.
15 She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens.
I am called to be diligent and never lazy. I am to maintain a fervent spirit as I serve others and ultimately, Jesus. This involves being faithful and sensible, and reliable in performing tasks.
16 She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.
I believe this verse speaks strongly of discernment and making wise choices, along with being frugal and efficient. Wisdom and discernment only come from a strong relationship with the Lord and connection to the Holy Spirit.
Proverbs 31:10-16
More to come!
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