Reflecting on 2012

2012 was a big year for us.

Probably the biggest of our lives.

This year:

Our church, Mill City Church, had its first service back in February. We have since watched the congregation grow to upwards of 500 people regularly!

We graduated from college. Aaron with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication, and I with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

Aaron got his first "big boy job" working for Lohmiller & Company, where he continues to excel.

I took and passed my NCLEX and became a Registered Nurse.

We got married!!!

We honeymooned in Punta Cana, Domincan Republic.

We moved from Colorado Springs to Westminster.

Aaron began and completed his first semester of graduate school at Denver Seminary.

It's been a year of transitions to say the least! This year has been beautiful, challenging, and everything in between. We've formed so many new friendships, and we've been blessed and privileged to help friends and family celebrate milestones of their own. God has continually proven Himself faithful beyond measure, and I'm so confident that He will only continue to do so. 2012 was VERY good to us--full of life, laughter, and new beginnings. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that in the midst of transition and chaos, God remains our only and greatest constant. Where we see disorder and uncertainty, The Lord sees opportunities for growth in just a small part of His master plan.

I know that the Lord has big plans for 2013, and I look forward to it with an eager and hopeful heart.

A Lesson in Faith

In Romans 4, Paul discusses justification by faith, specifically referencing Abraham as an example. The Lord promised Abraham that his wife, Sarah, would bear him a son in their old age. When Sarah heard this, she laughed at God. She even went so far as to take matters into her own hands and insisted that Abraham have a child with her maid.

I think that’s a very easy thing to do. To become discouraged or impatient, or to simply lose sight of where God is with regard to our circumstances and feel the need to take control. But every single time we take matters into our own hands, we simply get in God’s way. It’s not easy to wait and be patient during the seasons of life that we wouldn’t consider ideal, or even appealing. But it’s necessary. Because in every season there is a lesson to be learned and character to be developed. If your dry season really is as pointless as it seems to be, God simply wouldn’t have included it in His plan for your life.

A couple of weeks ago, I accepted a nursing job at a skilled nursing facility in Loveland. Aaron and I had just decided to try to accelerate our move up to Fort Collins, and this job offer seemed like an open door and an answer to prayer. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The staff and management were extremely unprofessional, and I was expected to do things in a way that cut corners and jeopardized patients’ safety. I wasn’t sleeping and literally made myself sick with worry and stress. The Lord made it very clear to me that it was not the right place to begin my career, so last week I terminated my employment. He’s also making it clear to me that I jumped the gun, and as a result, I made things more difficult for myself.

In Romans 4, Paul writes of Abraham, “Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He is also able to perform” (v. 19-21). How beautiful—and how challenging! Abraham made mistakes along the way, sure; but the Lord made him a promise and held fast to it. This is how we are called to live! God made his promise to Abraham at least 16 years before it was fulfilled, and who knows how many years before that Abraham experienced his season of disappointment and discontentment with being childless. But in all that time of waiting, "he did not waver." Amazing.

For whatever reason, it’s easy to put God in a box and to forget the fact that the God who created the universe is the same God who is orchestrating our lives today. But as children of God, we are called to have faith like Abraham—to not waver in unbelief but grow strong in faith, give glory to God, and know and believe in the depths of our hearts that He is able to do “immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine” (Eph. 3:20). And not only to believe it, but to behave like we believe it--to live prayerfully and expectantly, always resting in knowing that God is at work and in control.

My challenge to anyone reading is this: if you're feeling discouraged or impatient in this season of life, press into God. Pray and ask with the mindset that God is at work, regardless of whether or not you see what He's doing. Ask Him what He's doing now before you begin to ask what He'll do next. And finally, continually remind yourself of what God has done, both in your life and in others', and always believe for miracles.

Lay Me Down

Last week I was offered an RN position at a skilled nursing and rehab facility in Loveland. After three long, discouraging months I am finally employed!

I couldn't be more excited to start. There's a small part of me, though, that can't help but be disappointed that I won't be working in a hospital. My passion has always been pediatrics, and I had hoped to get into the new grad program at Children's Hospital Colorado in Aurora. God closed that door back in June. Since then, I've also developed an interest in emergency nursing, and one day hope to get certified as a sexual assault nurse examiner (SANE). I've always known that as a new grad I wouldn't exactly have my choice in specialties right off the bat, but I was led to believe that finding a job in a hospital wouldn't be a problem. Turns out it has been.

The most recent Passion album, White Flag, is all I've been listening to lately; and God has really been speaking to my heart through it. Specifically, the chorus to Lay Me Down:

I lay me down
I'm not my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down
Lay me down

Hand on my heart,
This much is true:
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down
Lay me down

Such a simple declaration, but it resonates so deeply with me. I'm not my own. I'm so confident that the Lord provided this new job for me, and even though it's not in the type of facility I expected, I'm learning to forfeit my specific desires for the time being in order to go where He's leading me. Both the interview and the offer came within a week of Aaron and I deciding that we wanted to try to accelerate our transition up to Fort Collins; and I don't believe for a second that it was a coincidence. I trust that the Lord is at work, and I believe with all my heart that His long-term plans for my life are infinitely better than any of my short-term ones. This position is at a five-star facility working the hours that I wanted with awesome people who are more than willing and excited to work with me. Really, what more could I ask for?

And so, with a thankful heart, I'm learning what it means to lay my expectations down; because I know that where He's leading me is much better than anywhere I could get on my own.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. [Proverbs 16:9]

To Simply Be Aaron's Wife

This is my final blog in this particular “series,” if you will. So let me recap:

This series began as a response to my prolonged season of unemployment, despite hundreds of applications and networking attempts. While it has been difficult and discouraging, I am so confident that the Lord is moving in this season of my life and actively preparing my heart for the next. Deep down I’ve always known it; however, discouragement and impatience still seem to get the best of me more often than I’d like to admit. And yet, despite my episodic lack of faith, God has continued to be good and gracious and reveal teeny bits about his intentions for this season. He has been teaching me how to better wait, trust, and pray. I think the biggest and most humbling lesson that the Lord has been teaching me, though, is to simply be Aaron’s wife.

Marrying Aaron has been the absolute greatest adventure of my life. We are learning, growing, and challenging each other more and more every day. Admittedly, it has been more of an adjustment that I had originally anticipated. Assuming the role of wife is infinitely different than that of fiancé or girlfriend. Now it seems silly to have expected any different.

Let me back up for a minute—while having dinner with a friend on Monday night, the Lord used our conversation to show me how this season of unemployment has been an answer to prayer. It occurred to me that throughout my four years of nursing school, I was always complaining about my busy and demanding schedule. Nearly every minute of my free time was spent reading textbooks and studying for exams. I was constantly wishing for more time to do things I actually wanted to do; such as read books, work out, spend time with friends, scrapbook, etc. I’m sure you can guess where this is going…

Since graduating and passing my NCLEX:

-       I have read four books and am currently in the middle of my fifth

-       I’ve been able to run/work out nearly every day and even started training for a 5k

-       I am able to meet up with an average of 2-3 friends per week

-       I finished scrapping our proposal and engagement photos and am in the process of starting the wedding

These are things I never, in a million years, would have had time for while I was in school. Plus, the time I get to spend with people is so much richer and fuller because I’m not guilted by the fact that I’m not studying or rushed to leave to continue studying. It’s beautiful, and it’s absolutely 100% a gift from God. BAM: humbled. (And SO thankful!)

So back to here and now. This season is certainly proving to be a blessing in disguise. As mentioned previously, I truly feel that my time is so much richer and fuller now that I am unburdened by school and studying. The Lord has been teaching me how to channel that into being present with and blessing my husband. Aaron works 40+ hours per week, attends grad school part time, does freelance graphic design, and plays in the worship band on Sunday mornings on top of being my husband, spending time with his friends, and doing things he enjoys doing in his spare time. He works so hard and gives so much, and I’m realizing what a blessing it truly is for me to simply be here and present with him when he gets home. If I were coming home from my own long workdays, I’m sure things would be quite different. Now I have the time and undivided attention to give him and bless him when he is home, and I love it. I’m learning what it means to be a wife, and specifically Aaron’s wife, and what it looks like to take on that role and do it well.

A few weeks ago, the Lord began putting Proverbs 31:27 on my heart: “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (NASB). In fact, this verse is on a decorated index card hanging on my bathroom mirror. I want so badly to always look well to the ways of my household. Even the seemingly trivial things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. make a big difference. I’m learning not only to do these things, but to do them well and to do them joyfully. Because right now, this is part of my ministry, and it always will be. I firmly believe that not only is God preparing me for the rest of my life in relation to my marriage, but for eventually being a stay-at-home mom (keyword: eventually. Don’t read into that!)

As badly as I want to begin my nursing career, I’m so grateful for this season. I believe that the Lord is grooming me as a wife and building my character while he prepares me for whatever is next. I’m not sure what next is or when it will come, but I’m confident it’s ahead of me.

So to sum up my little “series,” here’s a thought: life doesn’t begin when [insert milestone here]. It’s doesn’t begin when you graduate from college, or when you get married, or when you find your dream job. Life is now, today. Life is getting out of bed in the morning. It’s eating what’s left of the cereal and going out to greet the day. It’s unloading the dishwasher and doing laundry and burning dinner. Life is making Valentine’s Day cards in September with 7-year-olds and getting rained out at a baseball game. It’s running errands and making appointments and falling asleep on the couch watching The Big Bang Theory with your best friend. Life is in the nitty gritty of every day, and so often we make the mistake of going through the motions until we end up where we think we want to be. Don’t make that mistake. Live now, today, in this moment—because nothing has been promised to you. Don’t waste today waiting, because it has a lesson to be learned and a gift to be enjoyed. “Now we should live when the pulse of life is strong. Life is a tenuous thing…fragile, fleeting…be here now, be here now, be here now!”

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. [Colossians 2:23]

To Simply Pray

Something a lot of people don’t know is that almost threeyears ago I began seeing a counselor who treated me for moderate depression andpanic disorder. I’ve struggled with pretty severe anxiety ever since I canremember, but in the fall of my junior year of college it became unbearable. Upuntil that point I had kept it completely to myself, but I couldn’t do it on myown anymore. The anxiety had become so crippling that I was quickly slidinginto depression. At the time I was unbelievably ashamed. I didn’t want to needhelp. I didn’t want people to know I was “crazy.” I sure as heck felt like Iwas, at least. There were times when I felt like I’d rather die than continueto deal with it all.

This October it will have been three years since what I canonly describe as the absolute worst season of my life. And here I am today;alive and well, a BSN graduate and registered nurse, married to the love of mylife, and completely set free from all the bondageI once endured. Praise God!

The reason I bring this up is that during that time, when Iwould have a panic attack, prayer would be the very last thing to enter mymind. When I would pray, it wouldn’t make me feel better. So I simply stoppedtrying for a while.

Needless to say, God has done a LOT in my heart since then.I recently started reading a book called ThePower of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. [If you’re a wife, or ifyou’re about to be, I highly recommend it.] The author walks through 30 keyareas of a man’s life that his wife can and should continually cover in prayer.Not only has it taught me how to pray for Aaron specifically, it’s taught mehow to pray for myself and for the other people in my life. More than that, mybeing unemployed has allowed me to spend more time in prayer each day than atany other time in my life. I think it’s safe to say that if I was working fulltime right now there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be learning this lesson quiteyet.

Just this morning it occurred to me that now, when I beginto feel anxious or nervous about something, my first response is to lift it upto God in prayer. When I’m feeling insecure, I pray for God to remind me of Histruth and that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14). When I beginto feel irritated or angry for any reason, I ask God for the grace to change myperspective and my attitude. And when I’m worried about not having found a jobyet, I talk my concerns over with the Lord and ask that He remind me that He isever and always in control. It’s an absolute night and day difference fromwhere I was even just a couple of months ago. I’m so confident now that thisseason is one of preparation. For what? I’m not entirely sure just yet, but Ithink that improvement in my prayer life is a pretty great start.

To Simply Trust

Rather than posting one huge megablog, I've decided to break this down into a series. I've never done this before, so this has the potential to fail miserably. Fair warning.

Moving on, let's recap:

I mentioned in my last blog that I've recently found myself in a difficult season. I recognize that difficult is a relative term, so let my clarify by saying that this season has been difficult for me. It has occurred to me that in the perspective of some, I'm living the American dream. In fact, a few years ago this would have been MY dream. But as we all can appreciate, time passes and things change.

And here we are.

I graduated from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs on May 18th of this year with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. On July 5th (3 days before my wedding!) I took the NCLEX, and on July 7th I was informed that I passed and was officially licensed as a registered nurse in the state of Colorado. Since then, I have applied for 100+ jobs and received the same number of rejections.

It's been discouraging, to say the least.

On the upside, God has been using this time to speak to my heart in a number of ways. One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn, however, is simply to trust Him.

The Lord recently brought to my attention the fact that I was holding onto this job situation entirely too tightly and doing everything in my power to remain in control. I can appreciate the basic knowledge that I will get the job that God has set aside for me. I believe with all my heart that he has the perfect job in mind for me. The real issue, though, is WHEN. That's the seemingly simple thing I've struggled to let go of. I have no problem believing there is a job in store for me, I'm just getting incredibly impatient.

Psalm 16:9 says, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

I'm learning that I can apply for jobs until I'm blue in the face, but I'll get rejected left and right until it's within God's perfect timing. And that's not to say I'm simply going to stop trying until God drops a job in my lap. I'm going to continue to apply for as many jobs as will accept my application. But I'm choosing to be content with the rejections, because I'm more interested in God's timing than my own.

Along with trusting Him comes the need to be content in the time of waiting. This has been another difficult concept for me. However...

Yesterday I accepted a job as a nanny for two little girls. It's not the RN job I've been dreaming about, but it's a job doing something I absolutely love, and I wholeheartedly believe it's an answer to prayer. I've been blessed with a job, during which I will continue to apply for RN positions with the family's blessing. When it comes to nannying, getting hired to work "until further notice"from the nanny's perspective is basically unheard of. To top it all off, the family is incredible and the girls are absolute dolls.

The Lord has continued to be gracious and teach me what it looks like to be content in this season of waiting. He has humbled me by providing me with a job that I didn't expect in the mean time. I haven't been abandoned or hung out to dry, it's simply not my time yet. So I am continuing to choose to be content with where God has me now, and trust that he is continuing to prepare me for what He has in store.

To Simply Wait

All throughout nursing school, people are constantly complimenting and encouraging your career choice: family, friends, teachers, clinical faculty, even acquaintances. It’s always something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s a great field!” or “Good for you, they always need more nurses!” and my personal favorite, “You’ll always have a job!”

What they don’t tell you, though, is that if you’re a new grad all bets are off.

The other day I woke up to not one—not two—but FIVE rejection emails from some of the various hospitals I applied to the day before. Since graduation I’ve submitted upwards of 100 job applications with nothing to show for it.

Aaron and I are extremely blessed in that we aren’t in immediate need of a second income, so my finding a job isn’t urgent in that respect. You’d think that after 4 long, challenging years of nursing school, time off would be a welcome respite. But I’m just beginning to realize exactly how much of my identity has been found in nursing and in my working hard in school. Now, with school behind me and no prospective jobs on the horizon, I’ve found myself feeling strangely worthless. All throughout school I was constantly complaining about the workload and how I couldn’t wait to be finished—and now that I am, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve really been wrestling with God lately about my job hunt having been futile thus far. It’s frustrating and discouraging, and even with my BSN and RN licensure I still feel under-qualified. However, despite the disappointment, I’m still so confident that God is at work in my heart.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

-       As I mentioned before, I’ve realized exactly how much I’ve identified myself in my accomplishments and my working toward something. While I think it’s good to be motivated and for good workmanship to be an important part of my personality, realizing this has provided me with the perfect opportunity to refocus. The Lord has been using this to remind me that my identity should not be in what I accomplish—my identity is in Christ alone. By identifying myself in my work and my accomplishments (and coincidentally, the lack thereof), I subject myself to inevitable feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and failure. But when my identity is in Christ, the exact opposite is true. In Him, I

-      - am completely forgiven (Eph. 4:32)

-       -have the life of Jesus (Col. 2:9)

-       -am free (Gal 2:4)

-       -am dearly loved (Col. 3:12)

-       -am chosen (Col. 3:12)

-       -am adopted into the family of God (Eph. 1:5)

-       -have wisdom (1 Cor. 4:10)

-       -have hope (1 Cor. 15:19)

-       -am alive (1 Cor. 15:22)

-       -am near to God (Eph. 2:13)

-       -can’t be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:39)

-       -am holy (Col. 3:12)

-       -am made righteous (Phil. 3:9)

-       -have every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3)

-       -am made new (2 Cor. 5:17)

-       -have been made complete (1 John 2:5)

-       -have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)

-       -am God’s handiwork created for good works (Eph. 2:10)

-       -have peace with God (Phil. 4:7)

-       -have the power of Jesus (2 Tim. 1:7)

-       -am free from sin’s power (Rom. 6:11)

And so, God is showing me to adjust my mindset. Rather than identifying myself as Kaila Norris, RN, BSN who happens to be a follower of Christ, I am a child of the living God who happens to be a new graduate RN in the market for a job.

The Lord is slowly but surely transforming my discouragement into a greater knowledge of who I am in Him. And rather than seeing this season of life simply as one of unemployment, I'm beginning to see it as an opportunity to simply sit still in His presence and learn what he He has to teach me.

Great Expectations

Aaron and I are getting married in 4 days.

In the 4 years we've known each other, we've taught each other a LOT about what it means to be in a relationship. And in the 4 years we've known each other, God has taught us a lot about what it means to really love someone.

I'm about to finish reading a book called Love at Last Sight. The premise is really remarkable; the authors (husband & wife) argue against the idea of love at first sight and the idea of fairy tale love and relationships our culture continually elects to believe in and hold out for. But just ask anyone who's ever been in a relationship--fairy tales are simply the stuff of myths.

The sad thing is that even though relationships fail and fall apart every day, the majority of people still seem to hold out on this belief that their fairy tale love is still out there. I'm constantly hearing things like, "If we really loved each other, then it shouldn't be this hard" or "If we have to work this hard it must not be right."

If you're guilty of saying something like this (as I have been), let me be the first to tell you:

TRUE LOVE IS HARD.

This morning I read this quote:

"We have a picture of the perfect partner, but we marry an imperfect person. Then we have two options. Tear up the picture and accept the person or tear up the person and accept the picture."
- J. Grant Howard (as cited in Love at Last Sight)

And it's so true! We do the people we love a serious disservice when we expect perfection from them. It's even worse when we have these unrealistic expectations of someone who is completely unaware of them. You can't expect someone to meet your expectations when they don't even know what the expectations are.

Love is an investment. It's a journey. It's the decision to come alongside someone and choose to love them even when they make you so angry you want to light them on fire. It's loving someone despite their imperfections. The authors of Love at Last Sight challenge readers to strive for just that: to love better, stronger, and harder each and every day, and to be more in love with your partner the day you die than the day you met.

It would be an understatement to say that Aaron and I have had our ups and downs. We've fought, cried, disagreed, yelled, and misunderstood. We've broken up. We've broken each others hearts. But I can honestly say that we're stronger today than we've ever been. The struggles we've had throughout the years have helped us learn to love each other better. We're understanding more and more how the other thinks and handles conflict, which helps us interact better. I love and appreciate him more and more every single day, and I am so ready to enter into marriage alongside him. Not because I believe we're going to live happily ever after in the fairy tale sense, but because I'm confident in our ability to love one another and to learn to love one another better, and I'm prepared to work at it with him every day until the day I die. It's going to take effort on both our parts, and it's not always going to be easy; but knowing that, I think, is part of what true love is all about.

You're not perfect. No one you love is perfect. I would venture to suggest that the best and simplest way to love is to base your expectations on that simple truth. "Happily ever after" is not a template. Embrace the fact that everyone's is different. Yours is unique! Let God write you a love story that's unlike any other!

Love at last sight says that beautiful relationships grow from the soil of reality--a truthful understanding of someone else's strengths and weaknesses. It's time to let go of the perfect picture of the people closest to us and embrace the reality that none of us is perfect.
- Kerry and Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight

The Room

First of all, let me say that I did not write any of the following. This is incredibly thought-provoking and quite simply speaks for itself. Prepare to be humbled.


This is excellent and really gets you thinking about what will happen in Heaven. 
17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. 
The subject was What Heaven Was Like. 
"I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. It's a killer. It's the bomb! It's the best thing I ever wrote." 
It also was the last.

Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teays Valley High School in Pickaway County.

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them, notes from classmates and teachers, and his homework.
Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of Heaven.

It makes such an impact that people want to share it.
"You feel like you are there," Mr. Moore said.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moore's framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room.
"I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death.
"I'm happy for Brian.
I know he's in Heaven.
I know I'll see him."

Here is Brian's essay entitled:

"THE ROOM"
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files.

They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.

But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read " Girls I Have Liked."
I opened it and began flipping through the cards.
I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.

Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content.

Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named " Friends" was next to one marked " Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird.
" Books I Have Read," " Lies I Have Told," " Comfort I have Given," " Jokes I Have Laughed At."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: " Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."

Others I couldn't laugh at: " Things I Have Done in My Anger", "
Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents."
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than expected.

Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards?

But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting.
Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked " TV Shows I Have Watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents..
The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.

I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked " Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body.
I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.
I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards!
No one must ever see this room!
I have to destroy them!"
In insane frenzy I yanked the file out.
Its size didn't matter now.
I had to empty it and burn the cards.

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.

I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.

Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.
The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused.
I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.
I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came.
I began to weep.
Sobs so deep that they hurt.
They started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried.
I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room.
I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him.
Not here.
Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.
I couldn't bear to watch His response.
And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.
He looked at me with pity in His eyes.
But this was a pity that didn't anger me.
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me.
He could have said so many things.
But He didn't say a word.
He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards.
But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.
The name of Jesus covered mine.
It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.
I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room.
There was no lock on its door.
There were still cards to be written.

" For God so loved the
world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16