I find it interesting that John is the only gospel writer to record Jesus washing the disciples' feet. The underlying message seems significant enough that at least one other author would have recorded it...but then again John's perspective is also slightly different than the rest. Maybe it's only written once to convey the simplicity of the act? Or perhaps it's so that we don't just write it off as another Jesus story times 4. Regardless, it's beautiful, and God has really been speaking to me through it this weekend.
The simple fact that the living God, the Creator of the universe, and the Savior of all mankind knelt before his disciples to perform the duty of a servant is mind-blowing. Not only was this servants' work, it was a job more or less left to the lowest man on the totem pole (I mean really, feet are gross). But Jesus willingly washed 12 pairs of feet simply to set an example for us.
And yes, I said 12 pairs of feet. Judas Iscariot got his feet washed, too. Jesus was well aware that in a number of hours Judas would betray him. And yet, he still humbled himself to love and to serve him. Amazing.
The part that has really resonated with me the past few days is stated simply in John 13:14:
"Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet."
If Jesus could willingly and lovingly wash the feet of his betrayer, shouldn't we be able to humbly serve the people around us? Sure, it's easy (generally speaking) to serve our friends and loved ones, but we are called to something slightly more challenging and also more fruitful. To love and to serve those who, in our eyes, aren't even the least bit deserving. To humble ourselves to be like Jesus. To love through his eyes. To serve as he served.
I still can't even wrap my mind around it. Jesus, God, Savior....washing feet. Not only that, but asking the same of us. That we humble ourselves to serve one another. In my mind, a servant's heart is one of the most obvious and beautiful signs of true, pure love. The desire to serve overflows out of unconditional love for another. I see it all the time in some of my close friends' relationships and it's beautiful. It's how men and women were created to love each other. But it's more than that. It's how we were created to love God. And in humbling ourselves to serve our Lord and Savior, serving others should immediately follow.
Just something to think about :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Fragile
I'm very fragile.
The past few days have been something of a struggle for me. It almost feels like I've lost all the ground I've covered in the past few months and I'm back to square one and crying myself to sleep at night. Yesterday I was completely convinced that it would be easier to just pack up and start over somewhere else. Part of me still wants to.
But God is so faithful.
Tonight was the last show of Desperation Band & Kari Jobe's Heartwork tour. It just happened to be at my home church during the one week I happened to be home. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting God to show up the way he did. I don't even know what I was expecting when I got there. Maybe I was too distracted to really wonder. Regardless, God's presence tonight was absolutely incredible.
I felt Him immediately when the lights went down, before the band even started playing. The words, "in your presence healed and whole" kept replaying in my mind over and over. Lately I've felt so vulnerable and frustrated that it still hurts as bad as it did 3 months ago. But in his presence I am healed and whole. In his presence the brokenness of this life fades away. I experienced that first-hand tonight. I only wish I could put into words the things he showed me. It was amazing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't even ask for it. But he came to my rescue.
Toward the end of the night, Kari called forward all the young adults that felt they were called into the ministry and spoke a word over them. She told them to always, no matter what, remain in the presence of God. Never forget the reason you fell in love with him. Because if you chase him wholeheartedly and always seek his heart, everything else will fall into place. He will take care of the details. God doesn't put a calling on our lives then expect us to figure it out. The most important thing is to remain in him, and he will take care of the rest. It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear.
If anything, tonight helped restart my fire. All I can do is seek God's heart. Lay everything down at his feet (and leave it there). Because losing myself in Him means finding freedom from everything else.
So maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing after all.
The past few days have been something of a struggle for me. It almost feels like I've lost all the ground I've covered in the past few months and I'm back to square one and crying myself to sleep at night. Yesterday I was completely convinced that it would be easier to just pack up and start over somewhere else. Part of me still wants to.
But God is so faithful.
Tonight was the last show of Desperation Band & Kari Jobe's Heartwork tour. It just happened to be at my home church during the one week I happened to be home. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting God to show up the way he did. I don't even know what I was expecting when I got there. Maybe I was too distracted to really wonder. Regardless, God's presence tonight was absolutely incredible.
I felt Him immediately when the lights went down, before the band even started playing. The words, "in your presence healed and whole" kept replaying in my mind over and over. Lately I've felt so vulnerable and frustrated that it still hurts as bad as it did 3 months ago. But in his presence I am healed and whole. In his presence the brokenness of this life fades away. I experienced that first-hand tonight. I only wish I could put into words the things he showed me. It was amazing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't even ask for it. But he came to my rescue.
Toward the end of the night, Kari called forward all the young adults that felt they were called into the ministry and spoke a word over them. She told them to always, no matter what, remain in the presence of God. Never forget the reason you fell in love with him. Because if you chase him wholeheartedly and always seek his heart, everything else will fall into place. He will take care of the details. God doesn't put a calling on our lives then expect us to figure it out. The most important thing is to remain in him, and he will take care of the rest. It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear.
If anything, tonight helped restart my fire. All I can do is seek God's heart. Lay everything down at his feet (and leave it there). Because losing myself in Him means finding freedom from everything else.
So maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing after all.
Monday, May 17, 2010
It's Not About Me
Yesterday I finished my last final of the spring semester. For the first time in about a year and a half I have absolutely nothing I have to do. It's wonderful. Strange, but wonderful. I'm still trying to shake off leftover anxiety and the feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. Because I'm not. For exactly 7 days I am completely free from responsibility. To top that off, I survived my first semester of nursing school! I'm already half way through college!!
But it's not about me.
For the past few months my heart has been heavy and my mind has been spinning uncontrollably, trying to find a place to land my focus. I've felt hurt, forgotten, betrayed, disappointed, lied to, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Usually all at once. My emotions have been dragged up and down and around in circles and pretty much left for dead. The worst part is, it feels like nobody cares. I feel like God has blessed me with abundant patience in this--to forgive, to love, and to offer the benefit of the doubt. But you can only give so much when you're not getting anything in return. I'm not sure if that's selfish or self-preservation, but either way,
it's not about me.
It feels like my entire life is spinning in circles around me and I can't decide where to look first or even what's real. Or maybe I've given up on trying to look altogether. It's too hard and I'm worn out. Things are spinning out of control and I can't keep up. But that's exactly the problem. Here I am, looking at my life and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. How I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to say. Where I'm supposed to go.
It's not about me.
I'm realizing now that I've done a fabulous job of making certain parts of my life bigger than they should be. In doing so, I've given more attention to my problems than I've given to God. So it's time to refocus. Despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, God remains the same. He doesn't go anywhere, it's all about where my focus is. So I'm giving up on trying to keep up.
Because it's not about me. It's about Him.
But it's not about me.
For the past few months my heart has been heavy and my mind has been spinning uncontrollably, trying to find a place to land my focus. I've felt hurt, forgotten, betrayed, disappointed, lied to, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Usually all at once. My emotions have been dragged up and down and around in circles and pretty much left for dead. The worst part is, it feels like nobody cares. I feel like God has blessed me with abundant patience in this--to forgive, to love, and to offer the benefit of the doubt. But you can only give so much when you're not getting anything in return. I'm not sure if that's selfish or self-preservation, but either way,
it's not about me.
It feels like my entire life is spinning in circles around me and I can't decide where to look first or even what's real. Or maybe I've given up on trying to look altogether. It's too hard and I'm worn out. Things are spinning out of control and I can't keep up. But that's exactly the problem. Here I am, looking at my life and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. How I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to say. Where I'm supposed to go.
It's not about me.
I'm realizing now that I've done a fabulous job of making certain parts of my life bigger than they should be. In doing so, I've given more attention to my problems than I've given to God. So it's time to refocus. Despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, God remains the same. He doesn't go anywhere, it's all about where my focus is. So I'm giving up on trying to keep up.
Because it's not about me. It's about Him.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Looking Up
Wow. That's all I can think to say. I'm completely amazed.
I've been reading through the journals I've kept over the past year, and I'm starting to realize exactly how far God has brought me. I guess I didn't even realize til now what bad shape I was in. I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...more than I'm comfortable blogging about, that's for sure. All these experiences just left me emotionally destroyed. I was so insecure. I was terrified of people knowing how insecure I was and that it would ruin all my relationships. I had absolutely no sense of myself at all. I was empty and lost and I was learning to live that way. I wasn't even living; it was more like hiding. Looking back, I realize now that I compromised so much of myself for so long. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it. All I can do is sit here and want to cry.
But that's not the point. Yes, I was in a bad place. Yes, I wasted years of my life in a downward spiral. But look at me now!
Eventually I hit rock bottom. I lost everything. I thought my world had come to an abrupt halt. But it was when I felt like I had nothing left that I was finally able to give it all to God. It's unbelievable what a tight grip I had on all the heartache and pain that was bringing me down in the first place. You'd think that would be the easy stuff to let go of. But I had let it control me for so long that I couldn't even separate myself out anymore. I was identifying myself in everything that had ever hurt me. Thank God I reached my breaking point.
He is so faithful! He's healing me. He's showing me what hurts and he's taking it away. He's helping me find Kaila again. And better yet, I'm finding Him. He brought me to a place of complete surrender, and I couldn't be happier. I wish I had the words to do my feelings justice right now...it's amazing.
The past three months have been something of a blur. I can't even organize my thoughts right now. I don't even completely understand how God turned me around, but he did. And now I feel like I'm sprinting in the opposite direction. The past is finally behind me. I'm not sure what I'm running toward, because I'm choosing not to look where I'm going. I'm finally looking up :)
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27
I've been reading through the journals I've kept over the past year, and I'm starting to realize exactly how far God has brought me. I guess I didn't even realize til now what bad shape I was in. I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...more than I'm comfortable blogging about, that's for sure. All these experiences just left me emotionally destroyed. I was so insecure. I was terrified of people knowing how insecure I was and that it would ruin all my relationships. I had absolutely no sense of myself at all. I was empty and lost and I was learning to live that way. I wasn't even living; it was more like hiding. Looking back, I realize now that I compromised so much of myself for so long. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it. All I can do is sit here and want to cry.
But that's not the point. Yes, I was in a bad place. Yes, I wasted years of my life in a downward spiral. But look at me now!
Eventually I hit rock bottom. I lost everything. I thought my world had come to an abrupt halt. But it was when I felt like I had nothing left that I was finally able to give it all to God. It's unbelievable what a tight grip I had on all the heartache and pain that was bringing me down in the first place. You'd think that would be the easy stuff to let go of. But I had let it control me for so long that I couldn't even separate myself out anymore. I was identifying myself in everything that had ever hurt me. Thank God I reached my breaking point.
He is so faithful! He's healing me. He's showing me what hurts and he's taking it away. He's helping me find Kaila again. And better yet, I'm finding Him. He brought me to a place of complete surrender, and I couldn't be happier. I wish I had the words to do my feelings justice right now...it's amazing.
The past three months have been something of a blur. I can't even organize my thoughts right now. I don't even completely understand how God turned me around, but he did. And now I feel like I'm sprinting in the opposite direction. The past is finally behind me. I'm not sure what I'm running toward, because I'm choosing not to look where I'm going. I'm finally looking up :)
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Love
It seems like every time I give my heart away I get it back in shreds. Why can't anyone just be gentle with it? I've honestly reached the point where I don't ever want to give it away again. It's too risky and I can't trust anyone with it. No one will be able to break my heart if I hide it well enough. Problem solved.
I realize that this is hardly the right way to go about this, but it's where I'm at right now. Broken, bleeding, and ready to run away forever. I feel as though I'm at a complete loss. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's causing physical problems. It's like I've been kicking so hard to try to keep my head above the water that I'm ready to just give up and sink. But I'm beginning to see beauty in the breakdown. Last night during worship at theMILL, it wasn't long before I was on my knees feeling all the hurt and hopelessness crash down on me. It was more than I could handle. But I felt Jesus there beside me, so close and more intimate than I'd felt him in a while. His presence was so immediately obvious it was overwhelming. It was almost as if I was so completely empty that there was nothing left but to be filled by him. In my weakness he is strong. In my brokenness his beauty resonates.
For almost a week now the Lord has kept bringing me back to 1 Corinthians 13, but more specifically verses 4-8a:
"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails."
Until very recently I didn't understand why he kept bringing this to my mind, because it just didn't seem to match up with what I've been going through. But I really feel like the Lord has been growing me in these areas lately. He's using how I feel not only to teach me how to love, but how to be loved. It's a slow process, but I think that's because it's so important. It's so hard and it hurts a lot more than I'd like it to, but I believe that in the end, when he's finished healing me, it will all have been worth it.
I realize that this is hardly the right way to go about this, but it's where I'm at right now. Broken, bleeding, and ready to run away forever. I feel as though I'm at a complete loss. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's causing physical problems. It's like I've been kicking so hard to try to keep my head above the water that I'm ready to just give up and sink. But I'm beginning to see beauty in the breakdown. Last night during worship at theMILL, it wasn't long before I was on my knees feeling all the hurt and hopelessness crash down on me. It was more than I could handle. But I felt Jesus there beside me, so close and more intimate than I'd felt him in a while. His presence was so immediately obvious it was overwhelming. It was almost as if I was so completely empty that there was nothing left but to be filled by him. In my weakness he is strong. In my brokenness his beauty resonates.
For almost a week now the Lord has kept bringing me back to 1 Corinthians 13, but more specifically verses 4-8a:
"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails."
Until very recently I didn't understand why he kept bringing this to my mind, because it just didn't seem to match up with what I've been going through. But I really feel like the Lord has been growing me in these areas lately. He's using how I feel not only to teach me how to love, but how to be loved. It's a slow process, but I think that's because it's so important. It's so hard and it hurts a lot more than I'd like it to, but I believe that in the end, when he's finished healing me, it will all have been worth it.
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