It's Not About Me

Yesterday I finished my last final of the spring semester. For the first time in about a year and a half I have absolutely nothing I have to do. It's wonderful. Strange, but wonderful. I'm still trying to shake off leftover anxiety and the feeling like I'm forgetting to do something. Because I'm not. For exactly 7 days I am completely free from responsibility. To top that off, I survived my first semester of nursing school! I'm already half way through college!!

But it's not about me.

For the past few months my heart has been heavy and my mind has been spinning uncontrollably, trying to find a place to land my focus. I've felt hurt, forgotten, betrayed, disappointed, lied to, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Usually all at once. My emotions have been dragged up and down and around in circles and pretty much left for dead. The worst part is, it feels like nobody cares. I feel like God has blessed me with abundant patience in this--to forgive, to love, and to offer the benefit of the doubt. But you can only give so much when you're not getting anything in return. I'm not sure if that's selfish or self-preservation, but either way,

it's not about me.

It feels like my entire life is spinning in circles around me and I can't decide where to look first or even what's real. Or maybe I've given up on trying to look altogether. It's too hard and I'm worn out. Things are spinning out of control and I can't keep up. But that's exactly the problem. Here I am, looking at my life and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. How I'm supposed to act. What I'm supposed to say. Where I'm supposed to go.

It's not about me.

I'm realizing now that I've done a fabulous job of making certain parts of my life bigger than they should be. In doing so, I've given more attention to my problems than I've given to God. So it's time to refocus. Despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, God remains the same. He doesn't go anywhere, it's all about where my focus is. So I'm giving up on trying to keep up.

Because it's not about me. It's about Him.