Love

It seems like every time I give my heart away I get it back in shreds. Why can't anyone just be gentle with it? I've honestly reached the point where I don't ever want to give it away again. It's too risky and I can't trust anyone with it. No one will be able to break my heart if I hide it well enough. Problem solved.

I realize that this is hardly the right way to go about this, but it's where I'm at right now. Broken, bleeding, and ready to run away forever. I feel as though I'm at a complete loss. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's causing physical problems. It's like I've been kicking so hard to try to keep my head above the water that I'm ready to just give up and sink. But I'm beginning to see beauty in the breakdown. Last night during worship at theMILL, it wasn't long before I was on my knees feeling all the hurt and hopelessness crash down on me. It was more than I could handle. But I felt Jesus there beside me, so close and more intimate than I'd felt him in a while. His presence was so immediately obvious it was overwhelming. It was almost as if I was so completely empty that there was nothing left but to be filled by him. In my weakness he is strong. In my brokenness his beauty resonates.

For almost a week now the Lord has kept bringing me back to 1 Corinthians 13, but more specifically verses 4-8a:

"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
Always trusts,
Always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails."

Until very recently I didn't understand why he kept bringing this to my mind, because it just didn't seem to match up with what I've been going through. But I really feel like the Lord has been growing me in these areas lately. He's using how I feel not only to teach me how to love, but how to be loved. It's a slow process, but I think that's because it's so important. It's so hard and it hurts a lot more than I'd like it to, but I believe that in the end, when he's finished healing me, it will all have been worth it.