Looking Up

Wow. That's all I can think to say. I'm completely amazed.

I've been reading through the journals I've kept over the past year, and I'm starting to realize exactly how far God has brought me. I guess I didn't even realize til now what bad shape I was in. I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...more than I'm comfortable blogging about, that's for sure. All these experiences just left me emotionally destroyed. I was so insecure. I was terrified of people knowing how insecure I was and that it would ruin all my relationships. I had absolutely no sense of myself at all. I was empty and lost and I was learning to live that way. I wasn't even living; it was more like hiding. Looking back, I realize now that I compromised so much of myself for so long. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it. All I can do is sit here and want to cry.

But that's not the point. Yes, I was in a bad place. Yes, I wasted years of my life in a downward spiral. But look at me now!

Eventually I hit rock bottom. I lost everything. I thought my world had come to an abrupt halt. But it was when I felt like I had nothing left that I was finally able to give it all to God. It's unbelievable what a tight grip I had on all the heartache and pain that was bringing me down in the first place. You'd think that would be the easy stuff to let go of. But I had let it control me for so long that I couldn't even separate myself out anymore. I was identifying myself in everything that had ever hurt me. Thank God I reached my breaking point.

He is so faithful! He's healing me. He's showing me what hurts and he's taking it away. He's helping me find Kaila again. And better yet, I'm finding Him. He brought me to a place of complete surrender, and I couldn't be happier. I wish I had the words to do my feelings justice right now...it's amazing.

The past three months have been something of a blur. I can't even organize my thoughts right now. I don't even completely understand how God turned me around, but he did. And now I feel like I'm sprinting in the opposite direction. The past is finally behind me. I'm not sure what I'm running toward, because I'm choosing not to look where I'm going. I'm finally looking up :)

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27