I struggle with holding on to things far too tightly and far longer than I should. 99% of the time it's the past, and my heart never fails to re-break at any miniscule hint of that thing I can't let go of.
The ridiculous thing is, these things shouldn't be hurting me anymore. They're over. Faults have been forgiven and things are different now. So why can't I let go? And worse yet, why do I have this horrible desire to know every last detail of situations that took place months ago, when I know it's just going to hurt me more?
The Lord has a funny way of making Himself heard sometimes.
This is what I've been struggling with tonight. But I sat down to read the chapters of So Long, Insecurity that we're covering in Bible study tomorrow, and the first one may as well have been addressed to me. Beth Moore discusses the exact struggle I'm having right now. I'm in absolute awe of how perfect this is. In her words,
"We can insist on knowing more about ______________ than we end up being able to handle." Yep. That's me. "Details...can paint vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time your close your eyes. Most of the time the information emerging from our persistent, prurient interest proves very harmful. What's most baffling is the cycle of insecurity it causes. We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every though, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can't handle the answers to."
God put me in my place to say the least.
Beth Moore compares situations like this to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is incredible (and humbling). We want to know what only God was meant to know. "What God initiates, He equips us to handle." In other words, what I know because God intends for me to know it, God will give me the grace to accept and deal with. The things I pursue beyond that are without a doubt more than I can handle and more than I am supposed to know. God is omnicient because He is completely perfect, immutable, and holy, and He can handle it. Simply put, I can't know everything. My mind and my emotions weren't designed to be able to know and cope with everything. I can only effectively cope with what God intends for me to. If that's not humbling, then I don't know what is.
So now I know, and now my mind and my heart can rest knowing that everything is as it should be right now. Dwelling on the past will only keep me stuck there.
What's done is done. Time to let go and move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thankful
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Monday, November 14, 2011
overwhelmed.
I got engaged less than a week ago and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Proposal
Aaron and I officially started dating on November 8th, 2008.
Now here we are, three years later. Three crazy, heart-wrenching, painful, yet beautiful years that I wouldn't do differently for the world.
Tuesday was our 3 year anniversary. They may not have been consecutive years, but if you know anything about our story, you know that they're definitely still something to celebrate. Neither of us have class on Tuesdays and neither of us worked, so we had planned to spend the entire day together. I was told to be ready by 9:30, and was presented with a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers when he picked me up. We went to Starbucks and each got a coffee (hazelnut coffee with cream for him, skinny vanilla latte for me), and we headed up to Palmer Park. [For those of you who are unfamiliar, Palmer Park is huge and gorgeous and overlooks most of Colorado Springs with an incredible view of Pikes Peak]. It just so happened that we were the only two people around, and we sat down on a bench to have a quiet time together. He asked me what I would like to read, and I requested Psalm 93 and 94 because I have been working my way through the Psalms by reading two per day. When I asked him what he wanted to read, he flipped to 1 John 4 and read verses 7-21 aloud to me:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, his is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
After he finished reading, he handed me a card. The card was blank, but on the inside he had written "November 8, 2011..." I looked up at him and he said, "The rest I have to do on one knee." He knelt down in front of me and started saying all sorts of beautiful things that unfortunately I can't remember because at this point I was FREAKING OUT. He pulled the (giant) ring box out of his coat pocket and opened it, and inside was the most gorgeous, perfect diamond ring I've ever laid eyes on. It's his great-grandmother's diamond that he had set especially for me!
Well obviously, I said yes! And as soon as I did, our dear friend Michael Lyon popped out from behind some rocks--he had been photographing the entire proposal :) Michael took a few more pictures, then we started making phone calls and set off to enjoy the rest of our day together. We had lunch in Castle Rock with his mom and his brother, Nate; walked around Park Meadows Mall; went to Denver to see his brother, Stephen's new house (which is hands down the sweetest house I've ever seen); and walked around 16th Street Mall before having dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
Yesterday was perfect--the most wonderful day of my life, and I'm proud to announce that I'm now officially engaged to my best friend and the love of my life!
Now here we are, three years later. Three crazy, heart-wrenching, painful, yet beautiful years that I wouldn't do differently for the world.
Tuesday was our 3 year anniversary. They may not have been consecutive years, but if you know anything about our story, you know that they're definitely still something to celebrate. Neither of us have class on Tuesdays and neither of us worked, so we had planned to spend the entire day together. I was told to be ready by 9:30, and was presented with a beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers when he picked me up. We went to Starbucks and each got a coffee (hazelnut coffee with cream for him, skinny vanilla latte for me), and we headed up to Palmer Park. [For those of you who are unfamiliar, Palmer Park is huge and gorgeous and overlooks most of Colorado Springs with an incredible view of Pikes Peak]. It just so happened that we were the only two people around, and we sat down on a bench to have a quiet time together. He asked me what I would like to read, and I requested Psalm 93 and 94 because I have been working my way through the Psalms by reading two per day. When I asked him what he wanted to read, he flipped to 1 John 4 and read verses 7-21 aloud to me:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, his is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
After he finished reading, he handed me a card. The card was blank, but on the inside he had written "November 8, 2011..." I looked up at him and he said, "The rest I have to do on one knee." He knelt down in front of me and started saying all sorts of beautiful things that unfortunately I can't remember because at this point I was FREAKING OUT. He pulled the (giant) ring box out of his coat pocket and opened it, and inside was the most gorgeous, perfect diamond ring I've ever laid eyes on. It's his great-grandmother's diamond that he had set especially for me!
Well obviously, I said yes! And as soon as I did, our dear friend Michael Lyon popped out from behind some rocks--he had been photographing the entire proposal :) Michael took a few more pictures, then we started making phone calls and set off to enjoy the rest of our day together. We had lunch in Castle Rock with his mom and his brother, Nate; walked around Park Meadows Mall; went to Denver to see his brother, Stephen's new house (which is hands down the sweetest house I've ever seen); and walked around 16th Street Mall before having dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
Yesterday was perfect--the most wonderful day of my life, and I'm proud to announce that I'm now officially engaged to my best friend and the love of my life!
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