Psalm 42

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" (v. 1-2)

I think there's an absolutely exquisite beauty in desperation. To long for something from the depths of your soul, to the point of being completely shattered and vulnerable. Incomplete. Beautifully broken. This is how every second of our existence was meant to be spent! Desperately longing to experience God. Aching for more of him.

Without him, we are nothing. Empty. Lifeless. So why is contentment even a concept? Better yet, why is it easy? We're all guilty of it. I know I am. So often God becomes static and routine. It's easy to go through the motions. But in going through the motions, I think we forget who God is. He's the Creator of the universe! The Author and Perfecter of our faith. Our Heavenly Father, our Good Shepherd, the King of kings. As long as we're on this earth we won't ever be able to fully grasp even a fraction of who he is! Just think of your most intimate encounter with God--and try to wrap your mind around the fact that he is infinitely more.

Alone, we are empty. But the living God fills us up.

"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to the God who gives me life." (v.8, ESV)

What's not to long for? Our relationship with him should be an exploration if nothing else. In Jeremiah he promises, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (29:13). It's beautiful. To live a life of reckless abandon in desperate pursuit of the One who created us...all simply because of who he is. I believe it's what we were created for. It's more than just a choice to make, it's a way to live. I'm honestly running out of words...

Chase him. It's amazing.

In Loving Memory

To the ones who thought true love was always further down the road,
To the ones who find life amidst the brokenness and growth,
To the ones who hide their anguish to help others cope with theirs,
To the ones who pursue happiness through bottomless despair,
To the ones who battle heartache and who overcome their sorrow,
To the ones who traded yesterday to dream about tomorrow,
To the ones who run their races not for glory or for pride,
But simply to experience the joy of every stride.
To those who see tragedy as opportunity to grow,
To the ones who risk it all when there's no where left to go.
To the ones who find their sunshine on the cloudiest of days,
And who find life's purest beauty in the errors of our ways...
It's through circumstance we realize and through changes that we see
That life passes by too quickly to wait to chase our dreams.

[August 2007]

Two Fires

I've been told more than once that God's will for your life is equivalent to the fire that burns in your heart...the thing (or things) that you're so passionate about you ache for it (or them). I think this advice is brilliant. I believe that God absolutely puts those specific desires and passions in our hearts, both for our benefit and for his glory. It's so important to realize that our deepest desires and longings are gifts from God, and even more important to fuel those fires.

I seem to have two of these fires lately. One I've had ever since I can remember, the other is a little more recent. Both are exciting. Both are overwhelming. Both are beautiful. But at this point, they seem to contradict each other. It's almost heart breaking, because I want both, but at this point that seems unlikely. I'm up and down and back and forth trying to decide which I want more and where I really see myself. Then I'm back to square one again.

Fortunately, it's not my decision to make. Whichever doors the Lord opens for me in the next couple of years will land me exactly where he wants me. Maybe it's one of my fires, maybe it's the other, or maybe it's some wonderful combination of the two. Wherever I end up is entirely up to him, and ultimately that's where I want to be. I believe that God gave me both fires for a reason. They did land me here, after all. And either way, wherever he wants me, I'm looking forward to getting there :)

Broken Hearts Can Worship, Too

For a long time now I've been working so hard to try to fix myself and to be healed and whole again in order to really connect with God and give him the praise he deserves. It's hard, it hurts, it's frustrating, and it doesn't work. Not even a little bit. It's almost as if I was pedaling so hard in this direction I thought I was supposed to be going that I didn't even realize I wasn't going anywhere. But during my quiet time today he spoke to me. And suddenly it all makes sense...

"Stop trying to be something you're not. Broken hearts can worship, too."

I can't even describe the relief this brought me. God's not interested in who I think I should be. He's not even interested in who I've been trying to be. He's interested in who I am and where I'm at right now. It's okay to sit. It's even more okay to rest. My broken, aching, exhausted little heart is the one I should be offering Him, not the one I rushed to put back together. Because I tried that...and here I am, back at ground zero. It is what it is, and I'm just gonna accept it, because he promises to meet me where I am.

I'm already overwhelmed with peace. I'm not doing this for anyone but Jesus, and he's not going anywhere. He'll hold my hand and walk with me until I'm ready to run again. All he wants is all I can give him. So I'm laying everything down and claiming his promise:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

Amazing Love

Last night at theMILL, Aaron Stern gave an incredible message about Good Friday. He really emphasized how sinful and unworthy we are as humans, and that we have fallen short of God's holiness. But God's grace was and is big enough to bridge the gap. And therein lies the beauty of the cross.

Today God brought me to Luke 22, when Jesus goes up to the Mount of Olives to pray right before he is arrested.

["Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was likes drops of blood falling to the ground.] - Luke 22:42-44

I think it's safe to say that I was in his prayers that night. I'd also go so far as to say that my life flashed before his eyes as he was being crucified. He laid down his life to give me a second chance that I don't deserve. That's pretty amazing :)

So what the heck have I been doing? Every second that I don't spend praising him is a second completely wasted. He saved me. He made the greatest sacrifice of all. My life, my heartache, my bad days mean absolutely nothing. My gaze should be forever heavenward because he is all that matters. And I should be going out of my way to bring him glory. It's the very least I can do to live my life for him when he sacrificed his on my behalf.

Grace is beautiful, and it's meant to be lived. Not just experienced through salvation. Not just celebrated on Easter. Lived. And such is our calling. Our privilege, even. To live lives worthy of the grace we've been given, and to remember him as he remembered us.

I, for one, can't stop smiling. Or crying, for that matter. Because I'm saved. Because I'm cherished. And because God is so good :)