In my time with Jesus this morning, I read this story of a Christian woman's dream about seeing three other women in prayer:
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must have loved the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, "O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
"The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest of service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arranger for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity, and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
"My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."
This was exactly the reminder and encouragement I needed today. The last couple of weeks for me have been excruciatingly busy, what with traveling to Fort Collins for Mill City meetings and run-throughs every weekend, having orientation and a 12-hour clinical shift at Children's in Denver this week immediately followed by a 12-hour shift here in town, care plans, catching up on homework and reading, and preparing for two exams and a paper due early next week. I feel exhausted and spread so thin to say the least. I've been so discouraged because I hardly have time to feed myself, let alone answer calls and texts and spend the time that I want to with Jesus.
And that has been the absolute worst part. I know Jesus should always come first. School is transient and means nothing compared to my relationship with Him. I read a tweet from Aaron Stern the other day that really humbled me:
When Jesus is the center, everything else in life is negotiable.
The hard thing is, I believe with all my heart that God has called me to be a nurse, and I have to work as hard and as much as I am in order to become one. My problem is that I get so caught up in my work and doing well in school that it becomes the center of my life. But I'm not in nursing school for the sake of being in nursing school. I'm in nursing school for Jesus. Another thing Aaron Stern always says is that we are always worshiping. Whether it is interacting with peers, driving to work, eating lunch, whatever--we are in His presence. Now I'm just starting to feel silly. I need to quit treating my studying as studying, my clinicals as clinicals, and my care plans as care plans. [[I need to treat every minute I spend studying, in clinicals, and writing care plans as a minute glorifying and worshiping Jesus.]] Because I wholeheartedly believe that that is exactly what He wants.
So back to the story: Lately I've also been in the mindset that while I have been unable to give God enough time and attention, He has been neglecting to interact with me or speak to me. But I am always in His presence. He never leaves my side. While I've been having mental breakdowns and feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and alone, He has been right here beside me, providing me with the strength I need to endure it (1 Cor. 10:13). He is always loving me and interacting with me in exactly the way I need it!
The beauty of it almost brings me to tears. This morning is the first time in almost a week that I have been able to stop and catch my breath, and Jesus used it to speak to my heart and bring life back into focus. He is replacing my anxiety and stress with confidence and joy. I am in absolute awe of His love and faithfulness right now. He never fails to turn the ups and downs of my life into an opportunity to learn to trust Him more!
