Ever since I came home on Sunday my heart has been heavy. It's been really discouraging, because God has blessed me with so much joy and peace lately, and I just couldn't find it anymore. I've been feeling so attacked all of a sudden, and my anxiety has been high. It's like all the emotions I've experienced in the past month hit me all at once.
But God is still good.
Today I was at Starbucks with some friends. After I ordered, my friend gave me a sip of her drink. It was fantastic. I was kinda bummed and wished I had ordered what she got. Turns out the barista made me the wrong drink--and it was exactly what I wished for. This may seem a little silly, but I like to think God likes doing stuff like that for us sometimes. He knows what makes us smile, and He wants to do just that. And He definitely did!
Last night I prayed as I walked to the mailbox, asking for another check for my trip to Cambodia. The mailbox was completely empty, but I shrugged it off. I know God wants me on this trip. I know He'll provide. Today at school, one of my classmates walked up to me and handed me a $300 check! It was so unexpected and I couldn't help but smile the rest of the day. He certainly answered my little mailbox prayer in a MUCH bigger and better way than I expected Him to.
I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert that I read every day. You know those times when you read something and think it must have been written especially for you? Today's devotion was one of those. It really couldn't have been more perfect.
Even though my heart is still heavy and aching, God is continually answering my prayers and pursing my heart. He knows me inside and out, and knows exactly what I need exactly when I need it. It absolutely amazes me that despite my heartache, He's providing me with glimpses of hope and reminders of His love. I'm experiencing God in new ways: as a lover and a romancer. And it's beautiful :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Girls Are Like Apples...
"Girls are like apples--the best ones are at the tops of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top of the tree think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing! They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."
- Pete Wentz
- Pete Wentz
Thursday, March 24, 2011
An Irreplaceable Role
I am a woman. An image-bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed.
As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on Him and wait for Him. The eyes of His heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.
The world needs me. The world needs me to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that He placed within me so that I will come alive to Him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else He leads me.
And that is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever He leads me. He will lead me first into Himself; and then, with Him, he will lead me into the world that He loves and needs me to love.
It is by Invitation.
[An excerpt from Captivating; altered to reflect the first person]
As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on Him and wait for Him. The eyes of His heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.
The world needs me. The world needs me to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that He placed within me so that I will come alive to Him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else He leads me.
And that is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever He leads me. He will lead me first into Himself; and then, with Him, he will lead me into the world that He loves and needs me to love.
It is by Invitation.
[An excerpt from Captivating; altered to reflect the first person]
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
To Bring Forth Life
I'm currently rereading the book Captivating, co-authored by John and Stasi Eldredge, for the fourth or fifth time. God reveals more about Himself and who He created me to be each time I read it. It's incredible. This morning as I was reading, this particular part stuck out to me:
"As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are--to encourage, nurture, and mother them toward their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life." - Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
Wow. How beautiful! I had two initial reactions. First, I thought, "I want that to be me. I want to live up to this." And second, almost instantly, examples of specific ways I've been failing at this lately flooded my mind.
It's not that I consciously do the opposite. But reading it worded like this has opened my eyes to a specific role God created me to play in people's lives. And not just "people's" lives. My mom's, my dad's, my brother's, my sister's, my friends', and my classmates' lives. In what ways have I been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering my loved ones toward their true selves? If I asked myself that question about each person in my life specifically, I'm not sure I'd have specific enough examples for everybody. And that bothers me. Like I said earlier, I was able to come up with ways that I hadn't been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering without even consciously asking myself the question. So if I'm not effectively encouraging, nurturing, and mothering, does that mean I'm hindering the people I care about the most? Or worse, hurting them? Unfortunately, I think that may be true in some cases.
As a woman, I was created to reflect the tender, merciful, and alluring part of God's heart, along with His deep desire for intimacy and relationship. It's a pretty big responsibility, being created in the image of the God of the universe. And I can't effectively bear His glorious image on my own strength, no matter how hard I try.
God is really working in my heart and making me more sensitive to His. He's showing me what I need, as well as what the people I love need from me. I'm learning how to love people better and more deeply by offering who I was created to be to those He's placed in my life. He's showing my my unique gifts. He's showing me how to encourage, to nurture, and to mother the people I love toward their true selves. And He's showing me that I have the ability and the capacity to bring forth life by simply being who I am.
"As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are--to encourage, nurture, and mother them toward their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life." - Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
Wow. How beautiful! I had two initial reactions. First, I thought, "I want that to be me. I want to live up to this." And second, almost instantly, examples of specific ways I've been failing at this lately flooded my mind.
It's not that I consciously do the opposite. But reading it worded like this has opened my eyes to a specific role God created me to play in people's lives. And not just "people's" lives. My mom's, my dad's, my brother's, my sister's, my friends', and my classmates' lives. In what ways have I been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering my loved ones toward their true selves? If I asked myself that question about each person in my life specifically, I'm not sure I'd have specific enough examples for everybody. And that bothers me. Like I said earlier, I was able to come up with ways that I hadn't been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering without even consciously asking myself the question. So if I'm not effectively encouraging, nurturing, and mothering, does that mean I'm hindering the people I care about the most? Or worse, hurting them? Unfortunately, I think that may be true in some cases.
As a woman, I was created to reflect the tender, merciful, and alluring part of God's heart, along with His deep desire for intimacy and relationship. It's a pretty big responsibility, being created in the image of the God of the universe. And I can't effectively bear His glorious image on my own strength, no matter how hard I try.
God is really working in my heart and making me more sensitive to His. He's showing me what I need, as well as what the people I love need from me. I'm learning how to love people better and more deeply by offering who I was created to be to those He's placed in my life. He's showing my my unique gifts. He's showing me how to encourage, to nurture, and to mother the people I love toward their true selves. And He's showing me that I have the ability and the capacity to bring forth life by simply being who I am.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Come Away
My precious Kaila,
Come away with Me,
Come away with Me.
It's never too late,
It's not too late,
It's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you,
I have a plan for you,
It's gonna be wild,
It's gonna be great,
It's gonna be full of Me.
Come away with Me.
I love you,
You're beautiful,
You captivate Me.
Always,
Your Heavenly Father
[Come Away/Let Me In by Jesus Culture]
Come away with Me,
Come away with Me.
It's never too late,
It's not too late,
It's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you,
I have a plan for you,
It's gonna be wild,
It's gonna be great,
It's gonna be full of Me.
Come away with Me.
I love you,
You're beautiful,
You captivate Me.
Always,
Your Heavenly Father
[Come Away/Let Me In by Jesus Culture]
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My Untold Story: Beauty in the Breakdown
"There's so much wrong with you.
You're too much work.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
A girl like you can't possibly be beautiful.
A girl like you isn't even worth loving.
You're ruined, and eventually everyone's going to realize it.
When they do, they'll leave, because you're not worth the trouble."
These are just a few of the lies I have been living under for as long as I can remember. This has been my mindset for years, and unfortunately I believed every word with all my heart. It became my identity.
I've always worked really hard to seem okay. I continued to believe the lies and hoped nobody would notice. I've always had trouble opening up to people because of this. I felt as though the only way to keep my friends was to hide how horrible I was. For a while I was doing a really good job.
For years I have struggled with severe anxiety. Last semester I reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore, so I confided in my family. They were shocked. I had managed to hide it so well that they had no idea I was struggling, because up until then that was exactly what I had wanted. I began seeing a counselor in October, and in November my doctor started me on antidepressants. These were two of the most difficult, humbling, and rewarding decisions I've ever made.
It's been an uphill battle to say the least. However, the medication has helped immensely, and my panic attacks are now very few and far between. Counseling is a challenge mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; but I couldn't be happier with the help I'm getting. I'm identifying and addressing deeply rooted emotional struggles that fuel my anxiety and my poor self esteem. I literally learn something new about myself every week.
Having my anxiety under control has been a long-awaited answer to prayer. Unfortunately, the relief from anxiety was giving me a better focus on the lies I believed about myself. Having identified the anxiety somehow amplified them. I accepted myself as damaged goods and tried to keep living that way.
Last weekend I went to Fort Collins to spend time with my family. On Friday night, I sat in bed with my sister, Courtney, and broke down about how I had been feeling. I can't even begin to describe the love and compassion in her voice and in her tears as she listened to me pour my heart out. When I finished, she took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kaila, you weren't meant to live like this." She told me things I had heard and read a million times, but somehow this time was different. She was so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, and her words were dripping with God's truth and authority. She told me that all the feelings I had described to her were lies from the devil. Then she prayed healing over me in a way that I can't even describe, and she told me I needed to confront the lies because Satan has no power over me. One by one we confronted every single lie I had been living under, and I claimed Christ's healing, and I believed it! I physically felt the heaviness that I had grown so used to lift from my chest. I can't even put the feelings into words. He delivered me, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel beautiful! :)
I'm coming to the realization that for years I've been trying so hard to be something that I'm not. I put all my effort into hiding myself from people in order to be the ideal friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. But that's not me. I'm complicated, emotional, and a little uptight. I'm not very laid back, and I usually have preferences. Sometimes I get anxious and I'm always quick to tears. But that's okay with me. I'm discovering who I am--who God created me to be--and I'm determined to be just that. I'm not the world's idea of perfect, but I don't have to be.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I am beautiful.
I am worth loving.
I am a daughter of the King.
In Him I have been made complete.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139:14
You're too much work.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
A girl like you can't possibly be beautiful.
A girl like you isn't even worth loving.
You're ruined, and eventually everyone's going to realize it.
When they do, they'll leave, because you're not worth the trouble."
These are just a few of the lies I have been living under for as long as I can remember. This has been my mindset for years, and unfortunately I believed every word with all my heart. It became my identity.
I've always worked really hard to seem okay. I continued to believe the lies and hoped nobody would notice. I've always had trouble opening up to people because of this. I felt as though the only way to keep my friends was to hide how horrible I was. For a while I was doing a really good job.
For years I have struggled with severe anxiety. Last semester I reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore, so I confided in my family. They were shocked. I had managed to hide it so well that they had no idea I was struggling, because up until then that was exactly what I had wanted. I began seeing a counselor in October, and in November my doctor started me on antidepressants. These were two of the most difficult, humbling, and rewarding decisions I've ever made.
It's been an uphill battle to say the least. However, the medication has helped immensely, and my panic attacks are now very few and far between. Counseling is a challenge mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; but I couldn't be happier with the help I'm getting. I'm identifying and addressing deeply rooted emotional struggles that fuel my anxiety and my poor self esteem. I literally learn something new about myself every week.
Having my anxiety under control has been a long-awaited answer to prayer. Unfortunately, the relief from anxiety was giving me a better focus on the lies I believed about myself. Having identified the anxiety somehow amplified them. I accepted myself as damaged goods and tried to keep living that way.
Last weekend I went to Fort Collins to spend time with my family. On Friday night, I sat in bed with my sister, Courtney, and broke down about how I had been feeling. I can't even begin to describe the love and compassion in her voice and in her tears as she listened to me pour my heart out. When I finished, she took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kaila, you weren't meant to live like this." She told me things I had heard and read a million times, but somehow this time was different. She was so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, and her words were dripping with God's truth and authority. She told me that all the feelings I had described to her were lies from the devil. Then she prayed healing over me in a way that I can't even describe, and she told me I needed to confront the lies because Satan has no power over me. One by one we confronted every single lie I had been living under, and I claimed Christ's healing, and I believed it! I physically felt the heaviness that I had grown so used to lift from my chest. I can't even put the feelings into words. He delivered me, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel beautiful! :)
I'm coming to the realization that for years I've been trying so hard to be something that I'm not. I put all my effort into hiding myself from people in order to be the ideal friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. But that's not me. I'm complicated, emotional, and a little uptight. I'm not very laid back, and I usually have preferences. Sometimes I get anxious and I'm always quick to tears. But that's okay with me. I'm discovering who I am--who God created me to be--and I'm determined to be just that. I'm not the world's idea of perfect, but I don't have to be.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I am beautiful.
I am worth loving.
I am a daughter of the King.
In Him I have been made complete.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139:14
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)