"There's so much wrong with you.
You're too much work.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
A girl like you can't possibly be beautiful.
A girl like you isn't even worth loving.
You're ruined, and eventually everyone's going to realize it.
When they do, they'll leave, because you're not worth the trouble."
These are just a few of the lies I have been living under for as long as I can remember. This has been my mindset for years, and unfortunately I believed every word with all my heart. It became my identity.
I've always worked really hard to seem okay. I continued to believe the lies and hoped nobody would notice. I've always had trouble opening up to people because of this. I felt as though the only way to keep my friends was to hide how horrible I was. For a while I was doing a really good job.
For years I have struggled with severe anxiety. Last semester I reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore, so I confided in my family. They were shocked. I had managed to hide it so well that they had no idea I was struggling, because up until then that was exactly what I had wanted. I began seeing a counselor in October, and in November my doctor started me on antidepressants. These were two of the most difficult, humbling, and rewarding decisions I've ever made.
It's been an uphill battle to say the least. However, the medication has helped immensely, and my panic attacks are now very few and far between. Counseling is a challenge mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; but I couldn't be happier with the help I'm getting. I'm identifying and addressing deeply rooted emotional struggles that fuel my anxiety and my poor self esteem. I literally learn something new about myself every week.
Having my anxiety under control has been a long-awaited answer to prayer. Unfortunately, the relief from anxiety was giving me a better focus on the lies I believed about myself. Having identified the anxiety somehow amplified them. I accepted myself as damaged goods and tried to keep living that way.
Last weekend I went to Fort Collins to spend time with my family. On Friday night, I sat in bed with my sister, Courtney, and broke down about how I had been feeling. I can't even begin to describe the love and compassion in her voice and in her tears as she listened to me pour my heart out. When I finished, she took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kaila, you weren't meant to live like this." She told me things I had heard and read a million times, but somehow this time was different. She was so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, and her words were dripping with God's truth and authority. She told me that all the feelings I had described to her were lies from the devil. Then she prayed healing over me in a way that I can't even describe, and she told me I needed to confront the lies because Satan has no power over me. One by one we confronted every single lie I had been living under, and I claimed Christ's healing, and I believed it! I physically felt the heaviness that I had grown so used to lift from my chest. I can't even put the feelings into words. He delivered me, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel beautiful! :)
I'm coming to the realization that for years I've been trying so hard to be something that I'm not. I put all my effort into hiding myself from people in order to be the ideal friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. But that's not me. I'm complicated, emotional, and a little uptight. I'm not very laid back, and I usually have preferences. Sometimes I get anxious and I'm always quick to tears. But that's okay with me. I'm discovering who I am--who God created me to be--and I'm determined to be just that. I'm not the world's idea of perfect, but I don't have to be.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I am beautiful.
I am worth loving.
I am a daughter of the King.
In Him I have been made complete.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139:14
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