My Own Definition of Normal

Maybe that things are "supposed to be" a certain way is just a narrow-minded lie we believe.


Until I've recently started to question it, I've been guilty of believing it. Maybe I set my own standards (don't we all?), or maybe there are just unspoken social rules and expectations. I'm fairly certain that in my case, it's an unfortunate combination of the two.


I have this idea of myself, of the person I want to be and would like to think I am: who I'm "supposed to be". I'd like to think I'm this laid back, optimistic, happy-go-lucky, confident, roll with the punches kind of person. I want to be perceived that way, and partly because I believe that's expected of me.


As it turns out, I'm not that way, and I've been lying to myself about it.


I do this thing where I try to make myself behave or react to a situation the way I wish I would, or the way I think am expected to. Then I bottle all of my actual feelings up and try to disguise them with the wishful ones. What inevitably ends up happening is that the actual feelings--without fail--eventually make their way to the surface and rear their ugly heads; which, coincidentally, tend to be much uglier by this point than they probably would have been had they been rightly expressed in the first place.


This never ends well for me.


What's even worse is that I do this so often that it's become something of an unconscious routine. I want so badly to be this inoffensive person. To be laid back, confident, happy-go-lucky, etc. I want to fit neatly inside the box, whoever's box it is, and appeal to other people. But the box is suffocating me. I'm not sure when or where I started to feel the need to tailor myself to look and act like someone I think other people will approve of, but the reality is this:


I'm uptight.
I over-analyze everything.
I'm insecure.
I generally fall somewhere in the big middle of the optimistic-pessimistic spectrum.
I'm messy.
I have a hard time when plans change unexpectedly.
Most of the time I operate under a certain (tolerable) level of anxiety.
I have a weird sense of humor, but I love it.


I've reached the point where I'd rather just be my imperfect self than a "perfect" version of someone else. I'm a mess, and I'm broken in more than a few places, but I think that's okay with me now. I just want to let what's true about me be true and learn to love it. I want to revel in who I am and have no regrets about who I'm not. I'm not entirely sure where the standards I've been holding myself to came from, but it's exhausting trying to keep up with them.


I think I'll be my own definition of normal.

Pieces

My little heart’s in pieces

And over time I’ve found

That the pieces all get smaller

Each time I pick them off the ground

I thought you were the one to blame

My only alibi

Imagine my surprise to find

It wasn’t you, but I

I overlooked fragility

I, who did the breaking

And I who saw, with greedy eyes,

Your pieces for the taking

I took the ones you gave me

And I stole the ones you kept

I forgot that they were delicate

And paid them no respect

I’ve tried my best to fix them both

With tape and string and glue
But this time, I think, I’d like to build

One heart instead of two

- k.n.

Everything is Meaningless

I found this draft in my Facebook notes dated November 1, 2009. Approximately halfway through my freshman year of college. It's so funny how reading back on old stuff like this can re-inspire and thought-provoke. Just thought I'd share :)

This morning when I woke up, God inspired me.

When I woke up and opened my eyes I couldn't see a thing. This is a daily occurrence for me, mostly because I'm practically blind. So I put on glasses and opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes where I've been spending my quiet times lately. The entire focus of the book of Ecclesiastes is how life not centered on
God is purposeless and meaningless. So after reading and spending some time in prayer, I came to a fantastic conclusion:

Everything IS meaningless. (Go figure, right?) But no, here's how I got there:

Everything we consider imperfect about ourselves--physical aspects we're unhappy with (my vision, for example) or things we wish we did better--are all inescapable evidence of how breathtakingly perfect God really is. We can't even imagine or begin to understand his level of perfection! So why are we creating our own ideas of perfection? Why would I want to be considered perfect in the world's eyes when true, beautiful, unfathomable perfection is only a lifetime away? [I say only because: Psalm 103:15 - "As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more."]

Being so imperfect is what makes his grace so beautiful! We don't deserve it, and yet here it is--ours for the taking. Everything else is meaningless...so why don't we live that way? Why don't we live like everything is meaningless and true heavenly perfection is something we're given, not something our weak little physical selves can hope to attain? It's something to think about...and almost makes me feel like I'm taking Him for granted by concerning myself with the things I'd like to think I can perfect on my own. I mean after all, they're all meaningless, right? :)

To Him Be the Glory

I recently started reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. I'm barely six chapters in and it's already blowing my mind. It's funny how things you thought you had a firm grasp on can totally come alive when someone else puts them into words.

For example:

The authors make mention of a passage in Acts [17:26-28], saying, "...Paul gives the Athenians the stunning news that every single thing in the lives of both nations and individuals is orchestrated with the sole objective that they might seek God" (p. 66, emphasis mine).

Umm...WOAH.

I've read through Acts more than once, and I like to think that deep down I've always known this. But the way it's worded here is so eye opening! "Sole objective." That sentence is convicting and humbling and challenging all at once. It really makes you reevaluate your attitude.

If you've been around me at any point over the past few months (eight, to be exact), you know that my season of job hunting was extremely difficult for me. It's easy to say or hear things like "God has a plan" and "it's all in His timing" and so on. But when you've been actively searching for jobs and have submitted upwards of 200 (literally) applications, it's not so easy to feel that way. It was much easier to feel abandoned and get frustrated. Or to put it more succinctly, to doubt God. There I am 100% guilty.

Over the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been gently and graciously opening my eyes to just how awful my attitude really was during that season. I managed to make my whole life all about me without even really noticing; and when I did notice, I was past the point of caring.

Aaron Stern recently finished a series called "Center," all about how God's desire is not to be first on a list but the center of everything in our lives. It's the truth and I knew that. Each week I found myself reevaluating and re-prioritizing the things in my life that were displacing God from the center. Somehow I still felt this disconnect that has managed to persist until now, as I'm sitting here typing and simultaneously trying to decide what I want for breakfast. And I'm literally shaking my head because sometimes I just don't understand how I can manage to be so blind.

Finding a job is what's been displacing God at the center of my life. Good grief.

I'm actually kind of embarrassed, because thinking back, I'm sure the people close to me picked up on it before I did. For months, I have been consumed by trying to find a job. Obsessive, even. It's what I spent most of my free time doing, and all of my time worrying about. And then, after a couple of months passed, I let in frustration. Jealousy of friends of mine who had found jobs. Disappointment, discouragement, hurt, anxiety, fear, and finally, doubt that God had a plan for me at all. (I hate to admit that, but it's true). Let me tell you that carrying all that around while trying to keep God at the center of your life simply can't be done. I had a choice to make: my feelings or trusting God; and I chose wrong. I wish I could tell you that I persevered and kept my chin up and I always knew God was going to come through. Everyone else around me seemed to. Unfortunately, those looming feelings--better yet, let's call them lies--were much more immediate. I found myself asking and wondering things like, "God, why are you putting me through this?"

There's a story in John chapter 9, where Jesus encounters a man born blind. His disciples ask him whether the reason for his blindness was his sin or his parents'. "Jesus answered, 'It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him'" (John 9:3).

Again: umm...WOAH.

Sometimes things happen to us that we don't or can't understand. Regardless, He can see the bigger picture. He understands, so we don't necessarily have to. I'm learning that instead of viewing trials or difficult seasons solely from the inside, it's important to remember that God is bigger and sees past it as just a small part of a much bigger plan. That plan is and always has been His own glory. He created us for the sole purpose of glorifying Him, not to be consumed by our own personal drama. That's the bottom line. That's what I keep forgetting. My life was not designed to be about me. It was designed to be about Him.

{Insert big, heavy sigh}
I sat down to write about something else entirely. Just saying.

All this to say that God is faithful, even when we fail to be. He is at work, even and especially when we fail to see how. And at the end of the day, it's His story that matters most. Praise God that story includes His continual pursuit of our rebellious hearts!

DREAM JOB!

It's official: I've been accepted into the Nurse Residency Program at Cheyenne Regional Medical Center in Cheyenne, Wyoming as their newest pediatric RN!

I couldn't be more thrilled, and this couldn't have been more God-orchestrated. Allow me to explain...

First of all, I applied on a whim a little over a month ago. One of the requirements for the program was to have graduated less than 6 months prior, and for me, that time frame was close to 8 months. I addressed this (rather bluntly) in my cover letter, asking to be considered anyway, but I wasn't holding my breath. I had already applied for several other jobs that day and didn't think twice about it at the time.

A couple of weeks passed and I still hadn't received one of those awful computer-automated rejection emails. At that point I was starting to feel a little glimmer of hope. I actually had a good feeling about it, but past experience taught me never to get my hopes up. So, I waited.

The director of the program called me about two weeks ago saying that the Mother/Baby unit wanted to interview me. This both shocked and excited me--I had never really thought much about working in postpartum, but the more I thought about, the more excited I got about the idea. I was told that if my first interview went well, I would have a second one that same afternoon, so to plan on being in Cheyenne all day.

So, on Monday morning of last week I showed up to my interview, only to find out that the position they were interviewing me for was in Labor & Delivery, not Mother/Baby. The two nurse managers from the Women's and Children's Services department interviewed me. They were both very kind, and I could tell right off the bat that our personalities meshed well, which helped put me at ease. As they were wrapping up the interview, they said told me that they wanted to go ahead and set up my second interview right away. I waited for about 10 minutes, and they took me up to the floor where I interviewed with the clinical coordinator, a charge nurse, and two RNs. It was a little more daunting being interviewed by four people instead of two, but again, I felt like we were meshing well which helped a LOT. I left that interview feeling good about both of them, but still not wanting to get my hopes up.

I was told that I would most likely hear something by Wednesday at the latest, so naturally, I spent the next 48 hours staring at my phone waiting for it to ring. Finally, at about 4:30 pm on Wednesday, one of the nurse managers (from my first interview) called. She asked me where my first choice would be to work if I could choose any department. (This made me nervous, because I was afraid that if I said anything other than Labor & Delivery it would completely ruin my chances of getting the job). I was honest, and I told her that my heart was for pediatrics, and that that had been my goal from the very beginning. She said that my heart for peds was very evident in my interview, and that because of that they had opened up a position in the pediatrics department for me if I wanted it. I was more or less given the choice between the two departments. I was completely FLOORED. She said that everyone loved me and that they were sure I was going to fit in perfectly there. Apparently, right after my first interview, one of the peds nurses had approached her and said that she's leaving in three months. By the grace of God, I am able to take her place. I accepted her offer (not that it was a difficult decision), and today I was contacted by HR with the official offer. I'm STILL in awe of how perfectly everything worked out. On February 25th I'm starting my dream job!!!

One of the things Heidi (my boss) told me on the phone has really stuck with me. She said, "I can teach just about anyone to start an IV or pass a med...but I just can't teach people to have the kind of passion you do. That's exactly what we're looking for." That in itself is an answer to prayer: that during my interviews, they would be able to see my heart more than anything. Praise God!

The best part is, I'll still be working alongside all the wonderful women who interviewed me. One of my biggest career goals has been to start out in a residency program like this one, where in addition to being oriented as a full-time employee,  I will have classes and lab simulations along with other new graduates in order to better develop my skills and capitalize on my knowledge.

All I can say is that God is faithful. The past 8 months searching for a job have been discouraging, frustrating, and disheartening. But God knew what He was doing all along, and He's continuing to teach me what it looks like to trust in Him, even and especially when it seems completely hopeless.

Aaron and I are still working out the details of eventually relocating to Fort Collins. We're thrilled to finally be able to live there alongside our church and friends, although it promises to be a process that will require even more trusting.

To those of you who prayed and labored alongside me, and who continued to ask for updates week after week, thank you. You have absolutely no idea how huge that has been for me. This season has really opened my eyes to how blessed I am by the love, support, and encouragement of my friends and family. You are a gift and a blessing, and I'm so thankful for you in my life.

And there it is: yet another testament of the Lord's love and faithfulness! I can't wait to begin this new season and to see where God takes us!

Reflecting on 2012

2012 was a big year for us.

Probably the biggest of our lives.

This year:

Our church, Mill City Church, had its first service back in February. We have since watched the congregation grow to upwards of 500 people regularly!

We graduated from college. Aaron with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication, and I with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

Aaron got his first "big boy job" working for Lohmiller & Company, where he continues to excel.

I took and passed my NCLEX and became a Registered Nurse.

We got married!!!

We honeymooned in Punta Cana, Domincan Republic.

We moved from Colorado Springs to Westminster.

Aaron began and completed his first semester of graduate school at Denver Seminary.

It's been a year of transitions to say the least! This year has been beautiful, challenging, and everything in between. We've formed so many new friendships, and we've been blessed and privileged to help friends and family celebrate milestones of their own. God has continually proven Himself faithful beyond measure, and I'm so confident that He will only continue to do so. 2012 was VERY good to us--full of life, laughter, and new beginnings. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that in the midst of transition and chaos, God remains our only and greatest constant. Where we see disorder and uncertainty, The Lord sees opportunities for growth in just a small part of His master plan.

I know that the Lord has big plans for 2013, and I look forward to it with an eager and hopeful heart.

A Lesson in Faith

In Romans 4, Paul discusses justification by faith, specifically referencing Abraham as an example. The Lord promised Abraham that his wife, Sarah, would bear him a son in their old age. When Sarah heard this, she laughed at God. She even went so far as to take matters into her own hands and insisted that Abraham have a child with her maid.

I think that’s a very easy thing to do. To become discouraged or impatient, or to simply lose sight of where God is with regard to our circumstances and feel the need to take control. But every single time we take matters into our own hands, we simply get in God’s way. It’s not easy to wait and be patient during the seasons of life that we wouldn’t consider ideal, or even appealing. But it’s necessary. Because in every season there is a lesson to be learned and character to be developed. If your dry season really is as pointless as it seems to be, God simply wouldn’t have included it in His plan for your life.

A couple of weeks ago, I accepted a nursing job at a skilled nursing facility in Loveland. Aaron and I had just decided to try to accelerate our move up to Fort Collins, and this job offer seemed like an open door and an answer to prayer. Unfortunately, I was wrong. The staff and management were extremely unprofessional, and I was expected to do things in a way that cut corners and jeopardized patients’ safety. I wasn’t sleeping and literally made myself sick with worry and stress. The Lord made it very clear to me that it was not the right place to begin my career, so last week I terminated my employment. He’s also making it clear to me that I jumped the gun, and as a result, I made things more difficult for myself.

In Romans 4, Paul writes of Abraham, “Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He is also able to perform” (v. 19-21). How beautiful—and how challenging! Abraham made mistakes along the way, sure; but the Lord made him a promise and held fast to it. This is how we are called to live! God made his promise to Abraham at least 16 years before it was fulfilled, and who knows how many years before that Abraham experienced his season of disappointment and discontentment with being childless. But in all that time of waiting, "he did not waver." Amazing.

For whatever reason, it’s easy to put God in a box and to forget the fact that the God who created the universe is the same God who is orchestrating our lives today. But as children of God, we are called to have faith like Abraham—to not waver in unbelief but grow strong in faith, give glory to God, and know and believe in the depths of our hearts that He is able to do “immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine” (Eph. 3:20). And not only to believe it, but to behave like we believe it--to live prayerfully and expectantly, always resting in knowing that God is at work and in control.

My challenge to anyone reading is this: if you're feeling discouraged or impatient in this season of life, press into God. Pray and ask with the mindset that God is at work, regardless of whether or not you see what He's doing. Ask Him what He's doing now before you begin to ask what He'll do next. And finally, continually remind yourself of what God has done, both in your life and in others', and always believe for miracles.