I recently started reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. I'm barely six chapters in and it's already blowing my mind. It's funny how things you thought you had a firm grasp on can totally come alive when someone else puts them into words.
For example:
The authors make mention of a passage in Acts [17:26-28], saying, "...Paul gives the Athenians the stunning news that every single thing in the lives of both nations and individuals is orchestrated with the sole objective that they might seek God" (p. 66, emphasis mine).
Umm...WOAH.
I've read through Acts more than once, and I like to think that deep down I've always known this. But the way it's worded here is so eye opening! "Sole objective." That sentence is convicting and humbling and challenging all at once. It really makes you reevaluate your attitude.
If you've been around me at any point over the past few months (eight, to be exact), you know that my season of job hunting was extremely difficult for me. It's easy to say or hear things like "God has a plan" and "it's all in His timing" and so on. But when you've been actively searching for jobs and have submitted upwards of 200 (literally) applications, it's not so easy to feel that way. It was much easier to feel abandoned and get frustrated. Or to put it more succinctly, to doubt God. There I am 100% guilty.
Over the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been gently and graciously opening my eyes to just how awful my attitude really was during that season. I managed to make my whole life all about me without even really noticing; and when I did notice, I was past the point of caring.
Aaron Stern recently finished a series called "Center," all about how God's desire is not to be first on a list but the center of everything in our lives. It's the truth and I knew that. Each week I found myself reevaluating and re-prioritizing the things in my life that were displacing God from the center. Somehow I still felt this disconnect that has managed to persist until now, as I'm sitting here typing and simultaneously trying to decide what I want for breakfast. And I'm literally shaking my head because sometimes I just don't understand how I can manage to be so blind.
Finding a job is what's been displacing God at the center of my life. Good grief.
I'm actually kind of embarrassed, because thinking back, I'm sure the people close to me picked up on it before I did. For months, I have been consumed by trying to find a job. Obsessive, even. It's what I spent most of my free time doing, and all of my time worrying about. And then, after a couple of months passed, I let in frustration. Jealousy of friends of mine who had found jobs. Disappointment, discouragement, hurt, anxiety, fear, and finally, doubt that God had a plan for me at all. (I hate to admit that, but it's true). Let me tell you that carrying all that around while trying to keep God at the center of your life simply can't be done. I had a choice to make: my feelings or trusting God; and I chose wrong. I wish I could tell you that I persevered and kept my chin up and I always knew God was going to come through. Everyone else around me seemed to. Unfortunately, those looming feelings--better yet, let's call them lies--were much more immediate. I found myself asking and wondering things like, "God, why are you putting me through this?"
There's a story in John chapter 9, where Jesus encounters a man born blind. His disciples ask him whether the reason for his blindness was his sin or his parents'. "Jesus answered, 'It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him'" (John 9:3).
Again: umm...WOAH.
Sometimes things happen to us that we don't or can't understand. Regardless, He can see the bigger picture. He understands, so we don't necessarily have to. I'm learning that instead of viewing trials or difficult seasons solely from the inside, it's important to remember that God is bigger and sees past it as just a small part of a much bigger plan. That plan is and always has been His own glory. He created us for the sole purpose of glorifying Him, not to be consumed by our own personal drama. That's the bottom line. That's what I keep forgetting. My life was not designed to be about me. It was designed to be about Him.
{Insert big, heavy sigh}
I sat down to write about something else entirely. Just saying.
All this to say that God is faithful, even when we fail to be. He is at work, even and especially when we fail to see how. And at the end of the day, it's His story that matters most. Praise God that story includes His continual pursuit of our rebellious hearts!
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