Life Jackets

Turns out I have trust issues.

The past couple weeks have been really rough. Between school, moving, stress, people, my health, and about a billion other things I've felt so weighed down and disconnected from God. The frustrating thing is that I know the truth. I know he never leaves me, and I know that even when I can't feel him he's always there. Unfortunately knowledge doesn't always generate feeling. I'd been crying out to God for almost 2 weeks and hearing nothing in return. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. It was more than I could handle and I was ready to give up. I had a million questions that weren't getting answered.

But this morning I finally heard his voice. His sweet, loving, gentle voice. All he said was, "Just trust me."

It was all I needed to hear.

I have this horrible tendency to try to control everything in order to make it work out the way I think it's supposed to. Especially when things get hard, all I can think about is what I need to do to keep it together. Sometimes it gets to the point where the idea of trusting God is the furthest thing from my mind. And when trusting God is difficult, trusting people is even harder. So it typically ends up being this huge, terrible downward spiral and any sense of trust in God takes a backseat to fear and emotion.

But he knows me.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in -- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." - Psalm 139:1-5

He loves me.
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19

I am precious to him.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

And he promises to take care of me.
"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." - Isaiah 51:3-5

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; and make rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16

I believe that he has me exactly where I am for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I don't have to. I continue to prove to myself over and over again that I can't do this on my own. It starts to feel like perpetual failure, but that's what makes me human and what makes Him God. I can't do this on my own. I sort of picture it like swimming in the middle of the ocean all by myself. It's overwhelming and pretty much terrifying. I'm kicking and flailing and doing everything in my power to keep my head above the water, when all of a sudden I remember that I've had my life jacket on all along and there was never any reason to panic. I don't have to try to save myself. All I need to do is relax enough to let him hold me up.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Thoughts on Sacrifice

Back in the Old Testament times God required sacrifices from his people as a physical sign of repentance. Not because he needed them; because we needed them. Sacrifices were the ultimate expression of repentance and obedience to God. But somewhere along the line they started to become empty and routine; hence the reason we don't chop animals in half for God anymore. Because it's not about the sacrifice in itself. It's about the condition of our hearts.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." - Psalm 51:16-17

I love this.

But it really breaks my heart to realize how easy it is for the things we do "for God" to become empty and routine. Maybe even more so the idea of this mindset that the more a person does "for God" the better their relationship with him is. More isn't always more.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.

TheMill recently did a series called Ordinary that was based out of 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, which says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." The little things matter. Everything is a sacrifice when we actively pursue God in all we do. I'm convinced that God isn't really concerned with the above and beyond. He wants our obedience. He is jealous for our attention. He longs for our worship. And he loves our vulnerability. I believe that when we reach that place of sweet surrender, and all our concerns with anything aside from the Most High finally fade, that's when the greatest sacrifice is made. Then "above and beyond" isn't even above and beyond anymore. It's overflow.

Desert Song

Lately I've been feeling a little like things are spinning out of control. I've felt so distant from everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself to nothing in particular. I put so much into school, and on top of that find myself doing most other things simply for the sake of being busy. But where does that leave me? I'm still trying to figure that out. God has been blessing me with so much passion for school and what I'm doing in the hospital. The stress there is pretty minimal too, which is another blessing in itself. Last weekend at Desperation was amazing. God really showed up and spoke to my heart in ways that I hadn't anticipated. But aside from that there's still been something of a disconnect. There are a million things running through my mind right now and unfortunately they're still moving to fast to interpret. Maybe I tend to get content with feeling this way? Or maybe I give up too quick to fight back. Either way, I decided it's not important.

I was listening to Pandora today and Desert Song by Hillsong United came on. The timing was more or less perfect.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

The attitude of this song is so beautiful. And unfortunately I've been missing it. Regardless of where I'm at or how I feel I know the Truth. I know that even when I find myself in the desert there's still something to sing about. I just have to keep seeking him despite my circumstances. Because I know he is faithful and he is so worthy. And he promises restoration.

"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it." - Jeremiah 33:6-9