Fragile

I'm very fragile.

The past few days have been something of a struggle for me. It almost feels like I've lost all the ground I've covered in the past few months and I'm back to square one and crying myself to sleep at night. Yesterday I was completely convinced that it would be easier to just pack up and start over somewhere else. Part of me still wants to.

But God is so faithful.

Tonight was the last show of Desperation Band & Kari Jobe's Heartwork tour. It just happened to be at my home church during the one week I happened to be home. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting God to show up the way he did. I don't even know what I was expecting when I got there. Maybe I was too distracted to really wonder. Regardless, God's presence tonight was absolutely incredible.

I felt Him immediately when the lights went down, before the band even started playing. The words, "in your presence healed and whole" kept replaying in my mind over and over. Lately I've felt so vulnerable and frustrated that it still hurts as bad as it did 3 months ago. But in his presence I am healed and whole. In his presence the brokenness of this life fades away. I experienced that first-hand tonight. I only wish I could put into words the things he showed me. It was amazing. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I didn't even ask for it. But he came to my rescue.

Toward the end of the night, Kari called forward all the young adults that felt they were called into the ministry and spoke a word over them. She told them to always, no matter what, remain in the presence of God. Never forget the reason you fell in love with him. Because if you chase him wholeheartedly and always seek his heart, everything else will fall into place. He will take care of the details. God doesn't put a calling on our lives then expect us to figure it out. The most important thing is to remain in him, and he will take care of the rest. It was absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear.

If anything, tonight helped restart my fire. All I can do is seek God's heart. Lay everything down at his feet (and leave it there). Because losing myself in Him means finding freedom from everything else.

So maybe being fragile isn't such a bad thing after all.