convicted.

Lately I've felt the Lord gently convicting me of how sarcastic I can be. My intention has only ever been lighthearted, but I'm becoming aware of how it sounds sometimes...

mean.

A few nights ago, Aaron was driving me home and I was joking around with him when he told me that sometimes my jokes come off really rude. Again, that's never my intention. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

The other night I said, "I hate you" to one of my good friends (completely joking, of course, because she was beating me at Hanging With Friends). When my roommate heard me, she quietly said, "Aww, don't say that." They both knew I was joking, and my roommate was in no way being bossy or harsh. But hearing that really hit me.

I don't want to be sarcastic. I don't want to be mean or rude. And I definitely don't want to tell anyone that I hate them, even if it is just jokingly. I've never considered myself a "mean" person, so being convicted of this has been really hard. I'm ashamed of myself, and my first reaction is to get defensive. But like I said...I don't want to be mean.

God has been ever so patient with me on this. More patient than I deserve. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about where this rude, sarcastic humor has been coming from. My only conclusion at this point is that it has something to do with the position of my heart. And if I'm being quite honest, I think it has a heck of a lot to do with how insecure I am. I'm not proud of either of these things, and frankly it's hard to admit to. I hate the idea that something deeply rooted in my heart is causing me to be so harsh. Unfortunately, it's the truth; but lucky for me, in the words of one of my dearest friends, "There's grace for that."

I'm so grateful for God's mercies and that He was gracious enough to bring this to my attention as gently as he has. I'm also grateful that He loves me enough to nudge me closer to His heart and away from the world's idea of humor. Now it's up to me to remain prayerful that the Lord will show me the things in my heart that need to change, and trust that He'll walk with me through it.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." - Psalm 139:23-24