Make Me Meek

Something occurred to me today.

I've never really considered pride to be a huge struggle for me. And now, simply seeing that sentence written out I feel foolish. Everybody struggles with pride, just in different ways. See, I've always pictured pride as that cocky, look-what-I-can-do kind of attitude. But I read this today, and it definitely changed my perspective:

"As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope for inward peace? The heart's fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them." - A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

It's not so much that I was becoming my own god, it's that I was trying to be somebody else's. I went so far as to place the vast majority of my value in the role I played in that somebody's life. I wanted to be his everything. Because of that, it felt like I was competing against every other girl in his life for the love and affection that I thought I alone deserved. I wanted to be set apart. I convinced myself that this was what every girl deserves. Don't get me wrong, I believe that every girl deserves to be pursued by a man, and to know that she is captivating and beautiful. Every girl deserves to feel special to someone. Unfortunately, I just took it too far and expected more than what was fair of me. For that I'm very sorry.

The worst part of stuff like this is being so wrapped up that you don't realize it. I know and believe with all my heart that the only thing big enough to fill the depth of my desire to find my worth is Jesus. Nothing else fulfills, nothing else satisfies. And that goes for that somebody, too. I could never fulfill him or anyone the way Jesus can.

Realizing this has really humbled my heart. I absolutely love that Tozer goes on to say, "The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort." I consider this a challenge. I've always been very insecure and in need of affirmation. But now I'm choosing to do everything in my power to let that go for good in hopes that Jesus will make me more like Him.

Make me meek, Jesus, and let all my confidence be forever in You.