Lately I've found myself attacked with questions like, Who are you? and What do you think you're doing? But it's not other people asking me these questions...I'm asking them of myself. I have this awful tendency to lose myself to things...to people, to relationships, to school, to books, to tv shows, and to whatever else I let myself spend too much time on. My most recent loss of self, however, is to my appearance.
Over spring break I got my second tattoo. About two weeks ago I got my lip pierced. Two days ago I chopped six inches of my hair off. But for what?
Insecurity has always been a really big struggle for me. I've never really been confident in the way I look, and that always converted into shyness on my part. But in the past few months my personality has really begun to blossom--I'm bolder, more confident, even starting to become somewhat outgoing. I credit all of this to the work Jesus is doing in my heart. He's revealing Himself to me more and more each and every day; He's showing me who He created me to be and giving me confidence in that. My journey thus far has been beautiful, and I couldn't be happier with where He has me.
I have this other tendency: to get bored with myself and suddenly restless to change something. Usually, it translates to a new hairstyle and/or color, but my impulsive changes have gotten more drastic lately. Don't misunderstand me here; nothing has been a split-second decision. A lot of thought has gone into each one, along with permission from my parents. I don't regret chopping my hair, piercing my lip, or getting my tattoo. What I do regret is how I've let them start to define me. I've started identifying myself in my appearance rather than in my Savior. Again, please don't misunderstand--I don't spend any more time looking in the mirror now that I did before, and although I'm very content with the way I look, I still don't have that "hot stuff" mindset that a lot of girls do. But what I'm realizing that it's not my appearance in itself that I've lost myself to this time, it's my need for control. In high school and up through my first year of college, when things were hard and I was really struggling, I exercised my need for control over food, because I didn't feel like I had control over what was happening to me. That is such a dangerous place to be; I struggled with eating disorders for years, and the leftover tendencies are still something I have to be careful of. This time it crept up on me, and I didn't even realize it until I started writing this. The past few months have left me feeling out of control again, and I've tried to compensate for that by taking control over the way I look.
Obviously, my need for control is a pattern in my life, and something I really need to work on; but I'm confident that He is already working on my heart. My first reaction after realizing this is to feel ashamed, but on second thought, I don't think that's necessary. Everybody struggles with something. I've made so much progress in the past few months, and realizing this doesn't cancel any of that out--it's just opens another door for more progress in another direction.
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