Headaches

There's no use trying to be what I'm not. I've been trying for a while, and I'm tired of it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I plan ahead. Like way ahead. And I had plans. All the way up until about 2015 or so. Which I realize is pretty ridiculous...but that's me.

I plan ahead, therefore, I worry. A lot. I worry that things won't go the way I plan, or the way I think God has planned, and it usually lands me in a decent amount of trouble. And so it goes.

I've been trying so hard lately to stop planning ahead. To just focus on today and let tomorrow worry about itself, as Jesus tells me I should. But trying not to think ahead gives me headaches. Literally. I can't stop guessing. I can't stop wondering. I mean, how can I not? I have a beautiful life, and I've been blessed above and beyond abundantly, so how can I not wonder what else God has for me? And so I find myself in this perpetual head spin, trying to keep up and trying to slow down all at once. Hence my being tired of this.

But really, it all boils down to this: this world has nothing for me.

I know that. I believe that with all my heart. And yet somehow I just can't seem to stop planning. So I've decided to stop trying to stop. I'm just gonna go where the holy wind blows me, and I'm more than likely gonna keep planning ahead (just maybe not all the way to 2015). But I'm gonna plan ahead knowing full well that God can (and probably will) change my plans to match His, because I firmly believe that opens doors and closes them at exactly the right moment. And I'm completely okay with that, because at the end of the day I'm still me, and I don't have to be anyone else for anyone else. So there.