Letting Go

I've always had problems trusting people. I've been betrayed and hurt a lot in the past...deeply enough to still affect the majority of my decisions and relationships. It's become crippling, and unfortunately it's become a habit to hold people at arm's length in a desperate attempt to protect my heart. As soon as someone gets too close, my first reaction is to pull back before they have a chance to abandon me. It's become a subconscious thing for me. Tonight I was talking to a friend about some things, and she made the comment, "it's like you expect everyone to hurt you." Instantly I was in tears, because it's so true. It's not necessarily always a conscious mindset, but I've learned to expect to have my heart broken. I work so hard to protect myself from every potential threat, and usually it winds up hurting me more. The problem is, everyone has become a potential threat. My heart's been broken more times than I can count, and I'm so terrified of hurting like that again. That much I've always been aware of. But until I heard it in someone else's words, I didn't realize that it had become such a dominant thought.

I am so susceptible to fear, and the enemy knows it. Lately, the words "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," (I Peter 5:8) have become so much more real to me. The devil has a better handle on my weaknesses than I do, and he slips in lies every chance he gets. The worst part is, I always believe them. Always. Even if there's no logical evidence to support the lies, I'm all too quick to accept them as truth. Why is it so much easier for me to believe lies than the truth? Unfortunately, I'm still figuring that part out. But I'm starting to think it has to do with my constant expectation of being betrayed, lied to, and heartbroken.

I'm realizing now that my attempts to protect myself and my heart are more deeply rooted in my need to have control. Part of that has got to be my anxiety, and part of it is pure survival instinct. But the harder I try to control things, the less I'm trusting God. I'm realizing that all this time I've had such a tight grasp on my heart in order to keep it from falling apart. I'm also realizing that the reason it still hurts so badly is because I can't do a good enough job of that on my own strength. My heart can't heal until I let go and give it to Jesus and trust Him to take care of it. Because He can do SO much better than I can. Letting go isn't easy, and it's going to be a daily decision. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather give my heart to. After all, He created it. He filled it with all the passions, desires, and dreams that make me who I am. I can't protect myself anymore. So I'm letting go.

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4