It didn't take much time for my steady downward spiral to plummet into an all-out nosedive. To put it simply, I felt like I had completely lost all hope. I began believing the lies that I would never be set free from this bondage and that I was more or less a lost cause. I had even reached the point of neglecting to pray and spend time in the Word because I was so sure it was no use. In other words, I had hit rock bottom.
Again.
It's one thing to know the truth--to be able to recite a Bible verse here and there and know the general gist of what the Bible says about situations like this. It's an entirely different thing to believe it in your heart every minute of every bad day. Every second of every panic attack. I know the truth; but for the past few weeks it's felt as though my mind has been dragging my pathetic, hopeless little heart along with it. Let me tell you, firsthand--that's not a place anyone wants to be. I wanted more, but I was tired of searching for it and tired of feeling as though every inch of progress I've made in the last two years had been lost. I was disappointed, hopeless, and heartbroken. But the Lord refused to leave me there.
This morning after church I was talking to my dear friend, Jossie, about my situation. She patiently listened and gracefully spoke truth into my life in exactly the way I needed to hear it. I mentioned to her that I'd even gotten to the point of asking myself if I actually wanted to be miserable, because I couldn't understand why I kept finding myself back in this place. One thing she said that really stuck out to me was that because I have been battling anxiety for so many years, it's become familiar territory. As horrible as it sounds, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's true: I tend to be more comfortable in this place of fear and severe anxiety than I am otherwise because it's what I've grown accustomed to over the years. I let anxiety become my default setting; and in the process, I inadvertently allowed it to take Christ's place in my heart. I had surrendered myself so fully to my anxiety and resigned myself to a life of fear and grief that I let it push God completely out of the picture. It sounds odd, letting something that I hate so much become the center of my life; but when it comes right down to it, I had simply given in and accepted that this is how I was destined to live.
I was so very wrong. My conversation with Jossie today gave me a lot to think about. Then I came home and read today's entry in my devotional, which you can read here: http://kailabowlin.blogspot.com/2012/04/streams-in-desert.html. I believe with all my heart that God was speaking directly to me through the words on that page.
I understand now that by actively surrendering myself to my anxiety and insecurities, I was actively putting distance between myself and God. Now I find myself again in this place of repentance, bearing my soul and presenting him with a shattered heart once again. He is the only one who can rescue me from this pit of self-loathing that I so shamelessly dug for myself. I'm starting over. I'm believing for healing and for restoration. I'm believing for salvation despite my prideful, sinful insistence on maintaining such a tight grasp on my own life. Rather than surrendering to the darkness, I'm choosing to surrender to the Light, and praying that God will remove every trace of familiarity associated with my anxiety and replace it with His own perfect peace.
And now, all that I can do is put my soul in one position--one of continual repentance and unyielding trust--and keep it there.
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