To Simply Pray

Something a lot of people don’t know is that almost threeyears ago I began seeing a counselor who treated me for moderate depression andpanic disorder. I’ve struggled with pretty severe anxiety ever since I canremember, but in the fall of my junior year of college it became unbearable. Upuntil that point I had kept it completely to myself, but I couldn’t do it on myown anymore. The anxiety had become so crippling that I was quickly slidinginto depression. At the time I was unbelievably ashamed. I didn’t want to needhelp. I didn’t want people to know I was “crazy.” I sure as heck felt like Iwas, at least. There were times when I felt like I’d rather die than continueto deal with it all.

This October it will have been three years since what I canonly describe as the absolute worst season of my life. And here I am today;alive and well, a BSN graduate and registered nurse, married to the love of mylife, and completely set free from all the bondageI once endured. Praise God!

The reason I bring this up is that during that time, when Iwould have a panic attack, prayer would be the very last thing to enter mymind. When I would pray, it wouldn’t make me feel better. So I simply stoppedtrying for a while.

Needless to say, God has done a LOT in my heart since then.I recently started reading a book called ThePower of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. [If you’re a wife, or ifyou’re about to be, I highly recommend it.] The author walks through 30 keyareas of a man’s life that his wife can and should continually cover in prayer.Not only has it taught me how to pray for Aaron specifically, it’s taught mehow to pray for myself and for the other people in my life. More than that, mybeing unemployed has allowed me to spend more time in prayer each day than atany other time in my life. I think it’s safe to say that if I was working fulltime right now there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be learning this lesson quiteyet.

Just this morning it occurred to me that now, when I beginto feel anxious or nervous about something, my first response is to lift it upto God in prayer. When I’m feeling insecure, I pray for God to remind me of Histruth and that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14). When I beginto feel irritated or angry for any reason, I ask God for the grace to change myperspective and my attitude. And when I’m worried about not having found a jobyet, I talk my concerns over with the Lord and ask that He remind me that He isever and always in control. It’s an absolute night and day difference fromwhere I was even just a couple of months ago. I’m so confident now that thisseason is one of preparation. For what? I’m not entirely sure just yet, but Ithink that improvement in my prayer life is a pretty great start.

To Simply Trust

Rather than posting one huge megablog, I've decided to break this down into a series. I've never done this before, so this has the potential to fail miserably. Fair warning.

Moving on, let's recap:

I mentioned in my last blog that I've recently found myself in a difficult season. I recognize that difficult is a relative term, so let my clarify by saying that this season has been difficult for me. It has occurred to me that in the perspective of some, I'm living the American dream. In fact, a few years ago this would have been MY dream. But as we all can appreciate, time passes and things change.

And here we are.

I graduated from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs on May 18th of this year with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. On July 5th (3 days before my wedding!) I took the NCLEX, and on July 7th I was informed that I passed and was officially licensed as a registered nurse in the state of Colorado. Since then, I have applied for 100+ jobs and received the same number of rejections.

It's been discouraging, to say the least.

On the upside, God has been using this time to speak to my heart in a number of ways. One of the most difficult lessons for me to learn, however, is simply to trust Him.

The Lord recently brought to my attention the fact that I was holding onto this job situation entirely too tightly and doing everything in my power to remain in control. I can appreciate the basic knowledge that I will get the job that God has set aside for me. I believe with all my heart that he has the perfect job in mind for me. The real issue, though, is WHEN. That's the seemingly simple thing I've struggled to let go of. I have no problem believing there is a job in store for me, I'm just getting incredibly impatient.

Psalm 16:9 says, "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

I'm learning that I can apply for jobs until I'm blue in the face, but I'll get rejected left and right until it's within God's perfect timing. And that's not to say I'm simply going to stop trying until God drops a job in my lap. I'm going to continue to apply for as many jobs as will accept my application. But I'm choosing to be content with the rejections, because I'm more interested in God's timing than my own.

Along with trusting Him comes the need to be content in the time of waiting. This has been another difficult concept for me. However...

Yesterday I accepted a job as a nanny for two little girls. It's not the RN job I've been dreaming about, but it's a job doing something I absolutely love, and I wholeheartedly believe it's an answer to prayer. I've been blessed with a job, during which I will continue to apply for RN positions with the family's blessing. When it comes to nannying, getting hired to work "until further notice"from the nanny's perspective is basically unheard of. To top it all off, the family is incredible and the girls are absolute dolls.

The Lord has continued to be gracious and teach me what it looks like to be content in this season of waiting. He has humbled me by providing me with a job that I didn't expect in the mean time. I haven't been abandoned or hung out to dry, it's simply not my time yet. So I am continuing to choose to be content with where God has me now, and trust that he is continuing to prepare me for what He has in store.

To Simply Wait

All throughout nursing school, people are constantly complimenting and encouraging your career choice: family, friends, teachers, clinical faculty, even acquaintances. It’s always something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s a great field!” or “Good for you, they always need more nurses!” and my personal favorite, “You’ll always have a job!”

What they don’t tell you, though, is that if you’re a new grad all bets are off.

The other day I woke up to not one—not two—but FIVE rejection emails from some of the various hospitals I applied to the day before. Since graduation I’ve submitted upwards of 100 job applications with nothing to show for it.

Aaron and I are extremely blessed in that we aren’t in immediate need of a second income, so my finding a job isn’t urgent in that respect. You’d think that after 4 long, challenging years of nursing school, time off would be a welcome respite. But I’m just beginning to realize exactly how much of my identity has been found in nursing and in my working hard in school. Now, with school behind me and no prospective jobs on the horizon, I’ve found myself feeling strangely worthless. All throughout school I was constantly complaining about the workload and how I couldn’t wait to be finished—and now that I am, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve really been wrestling with God lately about my job hunt having been futile thus far. It’s frustrating and discouraging, and even with my BSN and RN licensure I still feel under-qualified. However, despite the disappointment, I’m still so confident that God is at work in my heart.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

-       As I mentioned before, I’ve realized exactly how much I’ve identified myself in my accomplishments and my working toward something. While I think it’s good to be motivated and for good workmanship to be an important part of my personality, realizing this has provided me with the perfect opportunity to refocus. The Lord has been using this to remind me that my identity should not be in what I accomplish—my identity is in Christ alone. By identifying myself in my work and my accomplishments (and coincidentally, the lack thereof), I subject myself to inevitable feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and failure. But when my identity is in Christ, the exact opposite is true. In Him, I

-      - am completely forgiven (Eph. 4:32)

-       -have the life of Jesus (Col. 2:9)

-       -am free (Gal 2:4)

-       -am dearly loved (Col. 3:12)

-       -am chosen (Col. 3:12)

-       -am adopted into the family of God (Eph. 1:5)

-       -have wisdom (1 Cor. 4:10)

-       -have hope (1 Cor. 15:19)

-       -am alive (1 Cor. 15:22)

-       -am near to God (Eph. 2:13)

-       -can’t be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:39)

-       -am holy (Col. 3:12)

-       -am made righteous (Phil. 3:9)

-       -have every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1:3)

-       -am made new (2 Cor. 5:17)

-       -have been made complete (1 John 2:5)

-       -have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16)

-       -am God’s handiwork created for good works (Eph. 2:10)

-       -have peace with God (Phil. 4:7)

-       -have the power of Jesus (2 Tim. 1:7)

-       -am free from sin’s power (Rom. 6:11)

And so, God is showing me to adjust my mindset. Rather than identifying myself as Kaila Norris, RN, BSN who happens to be a follower of Christ, I am a child of the living God who happens to be a new graduate RN in the market for a job.

The Lord is slowly but surely transforming my discouragement into a greater knowledge of who I am in Him. And rather than seeing this season of life simply as one of unemployment, I'm beginning to see it as an opportunity to simply sit still in His presence and learn what he He has to teach me.

Great Expectations

Aaron and I are getting married in 4 days.

In the 4 years we've known each other, we've taught each other a LOT about what it means to be in a relationship. And in the 4 years we've known each other, God has taught us a lot about what it means to really love someone.

I'm about to finish reading a book called Love at Last Sight. The premise is really remarkable; the authors (husband & wife) argue against the idea of love at first sight and the idea of fairy tale love and relationships our culture continually elects to believe in and hold out for. But just ask anyone who's ever been in a relationship--fairy tales are simply the stuff of myths.

The sad thing is that even though relationships fail and fall apart every day, the majority of people still seem to hold out on this belief that their fairy tale love is still out there. I'm constantly hearing things like, "If we really loved each other, then it shouldn't be this hard" or "If we have to work this hard it must not be right."

If you're guilty of saying something like this (as I have been), let me be the first to tell you:

TRUE LOVE IS HARD.

This morning I read this quote:

"We have a picture of the perfect partner, but we marry an imperfect person. Then we have two options. Tear up the picture and accept the person or tear up the person and accept the picture."
- J. Grant Howard (as cited in Love at Last Sight)

And it's so true! We do the people we love a serious disservice when we expect perfection from them. It's even worse when we have these unrealistic expectations of someone who is completely unaware of them. You can't expect someone to meet your expectations when they don't even know what the expectations are.

Love is an investment. It's a journey. It's the decision to come alongside someone and choose to love them even when they make you so angry you want to light them on fire. It's loving someone despite their imperfections. The authors of Love at Last Sight challenge readers to strive for just that: to love better, stronger, and harder each and every day, and to be more in love with your partner the day you die than the day you met.

It would be an understatement to say that Aaron and I have had our ups and downs. We've fought, cried, disagreed, yelled, and misunderstood. We've broken up. We've broken each others hearts. But I can honestly say that we're stronger today than we've ever been. The struggles we've had throughout the years have helped us learn to love each other better. We're understanding more and more how the other thinks and handles conflict, which helps us interact better. I love and appreciate him more and more every single day, and I am so ready to enter into marriage alongside him. Not because I believe we're going to live happily ever after in the fairy tale sense, but because I'm confident in our ability to love one another and to learn to love one another better, and I'm prepared to work at it with him every day until the day I die. It's going to take effort on both our parts, and it's not always going to be easy; but knowing that, I think, is part of what true love is all about.

You're not perfect. No one you love is perfect. I would venture to suggest that the best and simplest way to love is to base your expectations on that simple truth. "Happily ever after" is not a template. Embrace the fact that everyone's is different. Yours is unique! Let God write you a love story that's unlike any other!

Love at last sight says that beautiful relationships grow from the soil of reality--a truthful understanding of someone else's strengths and weaknesses. It's time to let go of the perfect picture of the people closest to us and embrace the reality that none of us is perfect.
- Kerry and Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight

The Room

First of all, let me say that I did not write any of the following. This is incredibly thought-provoking and quite simply speaks for itself. Prepare to be humbled.


This is excellent and really gets you thinking about what will happen in Heaven. 
17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. 
The subject was What Heaven Was Like. 
"I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. It's a killer. It's the bomb! It's the best thing I ever wrote." 
It also was the last.

Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teays Valley High School in Pickaway County.

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them, notes from classmates and teachers, and his homework.
Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of Heaven.

It makes such an impact that people want to share it.
"You feel like you are there," Mr. Moore said.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moore's framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room.
"I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death.
"I'm happy for Brian.
I know he's in Heaven.
I know I'll see him."

Here is Brian's essay entitled:

"THE ROOM"
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files.

They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.

But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read " Girls I Have Liked."
I opened it and began flipping through the cards.
I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life.

Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content.

Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named " Friends" was next to one marked " Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird.
" Books I Have Read," " Lies I Have Told," " Comfort I have Given," " Jokes I Have Laughed At."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: " Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."

Others I couldn't laugh at: " Things I Have Done in My Anger", "
Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents."
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than expected.

Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards?

But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting.
Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked " TV Shows I Have Watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents..
The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file.

I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked " Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body.
I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.
I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards!
No one must ever see this room!
I have to destroy them!"
In insane frenzy I yanked the file out.
Its size didn't matter now.
I had to empty it and burn the cards.

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card.

I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.

Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.
The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused.
I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.
I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came.
I began to weep.
Sobs so deep that they hurt.
They started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried.
I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room.
I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him.
Not here.
Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.
I couldn't bear to watch His response.
And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.
He looked at me with pity in His eyes.
But this was a pity that didn't anger me.
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me.
He could have said so many things.
But He didn't say a word.
He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards.
But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.
The name of Jesus covered mine.
It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.
I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room.
There was no lock on its door.
There were still cards to be written.

" For God so loved the
world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

But Seek First His Kingdom and His Righteousness

I've been stressed out lately. Except that stressed out is something of an understatement.

I'm getting married in 25 days. Don't get me wrong--that I'm excited for. So excited, in fact, that having to wait adds considerably to the stress. Over the course of the next 25 days, there are approximately 10,000 little things that I have to remember to do/get done.

In addition to wedding preparations, I'm preparing to take my NCLEX (otherwise known as National Council Licensure Examination). Passing this test means that I will be a registered nurse (RN) and therefore eligible to actually use my degree and practice nursing in the state of Colorado. Not passing...well, I'm sure you get the idea. At this point, I'm still waiting for approval from the state to schedule a date to test. I was told that processing takes up to three weeks, which puts me dangerously close to my wedding date. All I want is to be able to take my exam before I get married and leave the country. Unfortunately, that's out of my hands. On top of all this, I have to find time to study and adequately prepare amidst all the wedding craziness, moving, applying for jobs, etc.

This is where I have to remind myself to breathe.

On June 4th I submitted my application for my dream job: the New Graduate Residency Program at Children's Hospital Colorado. On June 5th I received a follow-up email requesting more information. Since then: silence. Now I'm finding myself stuck between wanting this job more than anything else in the world and trying not to get my hopes up. Hence, more stress.

On top of all of this, I'm trying to move, and I currently have stuff at my apartment in Colorado Springs,  Aaron's and my apartment in Westminster, and my parents' house in Fort Collins. In theory it almost sounds convenient, but in actuality it's incredibly stressful being spread out across three counties. There are people I love dearly and want to spend time with in each place; I just can't be in three places at once.

Needless to say, I'm feeling overwhelmed and spread unreasonably thin. To complicate matters even more, there's the realization that this is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life thus far: graduating from college, becoming an RN, finding a job, getting married to the love of my life...except the stress of all these things is significantly overshadowing the excitement.

The Lord has been ever so gently placing Matthew chapter 6 on my heart lately; although up until today I've done a remarkable job of presenting him with my massive to-do list as if it's more important. But He is gracious and persistent, and proceeded to wake me up before my alarm this morning so that I had no excuse not to sit and listen.

Matthew 6:25-34 is a very familiar passage to me; however, the Lord never ceases to use it to teach me something new.

The Cure for Anxiety
25 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor tag her into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like on of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NASB, emphasis mine)

This passage never ceases to humble and amaze me. The words, "You of little faith!" get me every time. Through all my worrying about the future, I'm failing to act on what I claim to believe. God already knows what I need! He has graciously provided for me for 22 years, and I don't believe he's going to stop now.

The verse that really stuck out to me this time is verse 33:

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."


I've read this verse a hundred times. I memorized it at STP, for Pete's sake! It seems silly, but I'm only just now understanding what it truly means:

FIRST:
Seek the Lord--
Spend time in the Word--
Pray--
Fellowship--
Worship--
Serve--
Give--
Keep your eyes on Jesus--


And everything else will fall in to place.


It breaks my heart to have to learn over and over again that when I worry and am anxious, it usually means that my priorities are painfully out of order. But the Lord is patient and gracious and ever willing to remind me as often as I need Him to...

Nothing else matters but Jesus.

Eucharisteo

I recently started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp--a book that outlines the journey of intentionally embracing a lifestyle of radical gratitude and learning to find God amidst the mediocrity of everyday life.

She begins by discussing this idea of eucharisteo, which in the original Greek translates to "he gave thanks." She does a simple word study:

- The root word of eucharisteo is charis, which means "grace." [Grace is enveloped by thanksgiving.]

- Chara, the derivative of charis, means "joy."

And so, she poses the question: Is the height of our holy joy dependent on the depths of our thanksgiving?

Lately I've found myself wrestling with this idea of finding joy amidst my anxiety. Amidst the busyness of classes, preparing for graduation, applying for jobs, planning a wedding, and finding time for the people I love in between. Some days, life feels so crazy and busy that it begins to feel somewhat like I'm going through the motions--striving to get to this place that is life after graduation, after the wedding, after finding a job. When things will finally settle down. But I want to live fully right here, where God has me right now.

I'm not interested in transient pleasure. I'm after real, pure, holy joy--the kind that makes one positively radiate. I love this idea that Voskamp is presenting: that the deepest, purest, holiest joy is simply obtained through the giving of thanks.

Well, I'd like to think that I'm thankful for everything.

But I love this next thought: "...slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life" (p. 57). How true and so very humbling.

It's one thing to be generally grateful for what you have, but another entirely to be specifically thankful for each individual blessing. One of the author's friends challenges her to make a list of one thousand blessings that she is thankful for, and I decided to take that challenge as well. It sounds a bit daunting, but even after the first five things I wrote down I couldn't help but smile. The simplest things that bring a smile to my face, but that I've never actually thought to thank God for:

1. Waking up in time to watch the sun rise

2. Laughing until it hurts

3. A smile from a stranger

Really, the littlest things that happen every single day, and somehow I've managed to neglect to see them for what they are: gifts from God. And so I'm on a mission--a journey, if you will--to discover joy and life in the smallest of blessings, and to train my heart to seek out opportunities for gratitude.

"When we lay the soil of our hard lies open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." - Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts