Patience.

I know it's coming...any day now, literally. It's all I can think about and I'm SO excited! It almost seems unfair to have to wait...

I was driving home this afternoon and a song by Kim Walker came on. The chorus goes like this:

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord

The lyrics are so simple, but so beautiful. The song really spoke to my heart about contentment. Waiting impatiently only subtracts from the here and now, and I don't want to live like that. I don't want to miss anything. These next few months are really going to stretch my patience, but that's probably because that's exactly what I need right now. So I'm more than happy to wait and to learn. He is all I need, and I've got Him.

After all, contentedness is one of the purest forms of beauty.

Despicable Me

I just caught myself praying the most ridiculous prayer. It was more or less me telling God what's going on in my life and asking him to give me strength and to bless me in it. Almost immediately it was like I heard Him say,

"Wait a minute, Who's in charge here?"

All of a sudden the position of my heart was changed and it dropped to it's proverbial little knees. No wonder I've been so nervous and anxious all week--I've been trying to do this on my own and asking Him to come alongside me, when instead I should be looking to Him for direction. He is in control, and I'm more or less along for the ride. How do I manage to keep forgetting that? It feels like I've been re-learning this particular lesson on a near-weekly basis lately. Hopefully this time it'll stick.

Lord, thank you that your grace is enough to cover my sinful human pride. I'm sorry I keep trying to do this on my own strength. I can't. I need You. Please help me to always remember to ask You what You're doing, rather than assume I have it figured out. I trust that You are in control, and I surrender all that I am into Your gentle, creative hands. Make of me what You will. I love you, Jesus. Amen.

My Trip to Cambodia

I realize I'm about 3 months late getting this up, but I'm feeling extremely nostalgic and missing Cambodia today, so now seemed like a good time to post this. These were two of the most incredible and memorable weeks of my life, and my heart is absolutely breaking to go back.

Make Me Bold

This semester I'm doing a Bible study with two of my very best friends. Right now we're reading a book called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. Tonight while we were discussing the chapters we read for the week, I came to a horrifying conclusion:

One of my biggest insecurities is what I believe in.

Let me back up for a minute; I know what I believe. Or, better yet, Who I believe in. That's never been the question. The problem is that I'm extremely hesitant when it comes to sharing what I believe with others.

For whatever reason, I've always had it in my head that the whole rest of the world sees Christians as complete nutcases. That for those who aren't religious (I really hate that word, but 'spiritual' is too broad), those of us who believe in Jesus as the Son of God are off our rockers. The more I thought about it, and the more Bekah, Kim, and I talked about it, I started to realize that I'm afraid that because I am a Christian, non-Christians won't take me seriously.

Now I believe that this fear stems from an even deeper one: the fear of being judged, labelled, stereotyped, and disregarded. I'm ashamed to admit that I've allowed this fear to put me in a box. I'm not very verbal about what I believe around nonbelievers for one of two reasons: 1.) I'm afraid they'll think I'm a lunatic, or 2.) I make this wild assumption that nothing I say will ever cause them to believe what I believe.

I, I, I, me, me me. Goodness gracious, there's my problem.

I won't go through the whole long process, but I will say that my girls and I had so many really good discussions about all of this. Here's what we learned:

1.) Most people thought Jesus was nuts. Didn't stop Him.
2.) The Gospel message is too important not to share it every chance I get.
3.) I have been set apart and called to spread the Word. [2 Cor. 5:20-21]
4.) In the end, when I'm standing before my Savior, it won't matter what anyone else thought of me.
5.) I need to start viewing other people not as nonbelievers, but as lost souls. Souls that will one day burn in hell if they reject Jesus. I love the people in my life far too much to let that happen. It's not up to me, but I'm gonna do everything within my power to help them see the Truth.
6.) Bekah compared our faith to someone who lives and breathes a sport, like soccer. They would intentionally invite others into the aspect of their life because it was so important to them; invite them to games, talk about it all the time, etc. That's exactly how excited I want to be about my faith.

Actually verbalizing that I'm insecure when it comes to sharing my faith was a pretty big slap in the face. But I needed it. I had never given it this much thought before, and to be completely honest, it bugs the heck out of me. Sharing my faith really has nothing to do with me at all. It's not about my story, it's about His. It's the most important story ever told, and I should be bursting at the seams to invite people into it. I'd rather have people think I'm a lunatic than stand before God on Judgment Day knowing I could have done better.

Jesus, make me bold!

Sore No More.

So I have this "sore spot."

I think it's safe to say that everyone has one at one time or another. Some deeply-rooted, painful memory from our past that tends to stick with us and flare up whenever something or someone accidentally (or sometimes even intentionally) touches it. Mine has to do with feeling replaced and is accompanied by this awful fear that it will undoubtedly happen again. This has been my "sore spot" for a long, long time. So long, in fact, that up until very recently I had come to accept my sore spot as part of who I am.

This morning I was discussing this with my therapist. I was telling her about how even the littlest things trigger this tidal wave of emotions that can all be boiled down to feeling like I am completely replaceable in other people's lives. Then she asked me, "Kaila, are you replaceable?"

Her question all but slapped me in the face, and suddenly it was as if someone had turned all the lights on. No. I'm not replaceable.

I have played a number of roles in my relationships: sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, roommate, what have you. But I was identifying myself so closely with these roles that I wasn't separating out who I am. Not all my roles are set in stone. Sure, someone else can fill roles I've played in the past, but that does not mean I myself am replaceable. It does not, in any way, subtract from who I am. I'm the only person on this planet who walks, talks, thinks, laughs, plays, feels, and loves like Kaila Arielle Bowlin. I am completely irreplaceable :)

My "sore spot" was nothing more than a lie from the pits of hell. The memories and the hurt are all very real, but there was no reason to let it become a pattern. I was believing the lie. I was actively claiming this as a weakness and submitting to the authority I allowed to it have over my life. But I don't have to anymore! I'm covered in the healing blood of Jesus and I have been set free. God is infinitely bigger than this and is more than capable of healing me. All I needed to do was ask Him.

So no more: No more resigning myself to that kind of brokenness. No more believing the lie that I am destined to a constant source of heartache. No more submitting myself to the schemes of the devil. I refuse to continue to give him power over my life. My God is bigger than this, and all authority belongs to Him. In His hands I am healed and whole :)


It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1

A Letter to Me

Precious Kaila,

Be beautiful. You are beautiful, but your body has nothing to do with it. You are filled with the love and grace of your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and He makes you beautiful.

Be vulnerable. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to be broken. Accept that fact and come into it. Don’t hide behind a fake smile; find a reason for a real one. He’s giving you strength, but it’s a process.

Be present. Stop waiting for tomorrow. Stop daydreaming about the unknown. Be here now. Live in this moment, not for the possibility of the next. Pour all of yourself into today. Don’t hold back.

Sparkle! The King of the Universe resides in your heart and wants to shine through you. Let Him! Soak Him in.

Seek God. Violently. Passionately. Always. In finding Him, you’ll find yourself and who He created you to be. Find His heart, and you’ll find your calling.

[I recently found this letter that I wrote to myself on April 9, 2010. God was absolutely speaking these words through me, because even now, over a year later, I need them.]

Make Me Meek

Something occurred to me today.

I've never really considered pride to be a huge struggle for me. And now, simply seeing that sentence written out I feel foolish. Everybody struggles with pride, just in different ways. See, I've always pictured pride as that cocky, look-what-I-can-do kind of attitude. But I read this today, and it definitely changed my perspective:

"As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope for inward peace? The heart's fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them." - A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

It's not so much that I was becoming my own god, it's that I was trying to be somebody else's. I went so far as to place the vast majority of my value in the role I played in that somebody's life. I wanted to be his everything. Because of that, it felt like I was competing against every other girl in his life for the love and affection that I thought I alone deserved. I wanted to be set apart. I convinced myself that this was what every girl deserves. Don't get me wrong, I believe that every girl deserves to be pursued by a man, and to know that she is captivating and beautiful. Every girl deserves to feel special to someone. Unfortunately, I just took it too far and expected more than what was fair of me. For that I'm very sorry.

The worst part of stuff like this is being so wrapped up that you don't realize it. I know and believe with all my heart that the only thing big enough to fill the depth of my desire to find my worth is Jesus. Nothing else fulfills, nothing else satisfies. And that goes for that somebody, too. I could never fulfill him or anyone the way Jesus can.

Realizing this has really humbled my heart. I absolutely love that Tozer goes on to say, "The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort." I consider this a challenge. I've always been very insecure and in need of affirmation. But now I'm choosing to do everything in my power to let that go for good in hopes that Jesus will make me more like Him.

Make me meek, Jesus, and let all my confidence be forever in You.