But Seek First His Kingdom and His Righteousness

I've been stressed out lately. Except that stressed out is something of an understatement.

I'm getting married in 25 days. Don't get me wrong--that I'm excited for. So excited, in fact, that having to wait adds considerably to the stress. Over the course of the next 25 days, there are approximately 10,000 little things that I have to remember to do/get done.

In addition to wedding preparations, I'm preparing to take my NCLEX (otherwise known as National Council Licensure Examination). Passing this test means that I will be a registered nurse (RN) and therefore eligible to actually use my degree and practice nursing in the state of Colorado. Not passing...well, I'm sure you get the idea. At this point, I'm still waiting for approval from the state to schedule a date to test. I was told that processing takes up to three weeks, which puts me dangerously close to my wedding date. All I want is to be able to take my exam before I get married and leave the country. Unfortunately, that's out of my hands. On top of all this, I have to find time to study and adequately prepare amidst all the wedding craziness, moving, applying for jobs, etc.

This is where I have to remind myself to breathe.

On June 4th I submitted my application for my dream job: the New Graduate Residency Program at Children's Hospital Colorado. On June 5th I received a follow-up email requesting more information. Since then: silence. Now I'm finding myself stuck between wanting this job more than anything else in the world and trying not to get my hopes up. Hence, more stress.

On top of all of this, I'm trying to move, and I currently have stuff at my apartment in Colorado Springs,  Aaron's and my apartment in Westminster, and my parents' house in Fort Collins. In theory it almost sounds convenient, but in actuality it's incredibly stressful being spread out across three counties. There are people I love dearly and want to spend time with in each place; I just can't be in three places at once.

Needless to say, I'm feeling overwhelmed and spread unreasonably thin. To complicate matters even more, there's the realization that this is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life thus far: graduating from college, becoming an RN, finding a job, getting married to the love of my life...except the stress of all these things is significantly overshadowing the excitement.

The Lord has been ever so gently placing Matthew chapter 6 on my heart lately; although up until today I've done a remarkable job of presenting him with my massive to-do list as if it's more important. But He is gracious and persistent, and proceeded to wake me up before my alarm this morning so that I had no excuse not to sit and listen.

Matthew 6:25-34 is a very familiar passage to me; however, the Lord never ceases to use it to teach me something new.

The Cure for Anxiety
25 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor tag her into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like on of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NASB, emphasis mine)

This passage never ceases to humble and amaze me. The words, "You of little faith!" get me every time. Through all my worrying about the future, I'm failing to act on what I claim to believe. God already knows what I need! He has graciously provided for me for 22 years, and I don't believe he's going to stop now.

The verse that really stuck out to me this time is verse 33:

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."


I've read this verse a hundred times. I memorized it at STP, for Pete's sake! It seems silly, but I'm only just now understanding what it truly means:

FIRST:
Seek the Lord--
Spend time in the Word--
Pray--
Fellowship--
Worship--
Serve--
Give--
Keep your eyes on Jesus--


And everything else will fall in to place.


It breaks my heart to have to learn over and over again that when I worry and am anxious, it usually means that my priorities are painfully out of order. But the Lord is patient and gracious and ever willing to remind me as often as I need Him to...

Nothing else matters but Jesus.

Eucharisteo

I recently started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp--a book that outlines the journey of intentionally embracing a lifestyle of radical gratitude and learning to find God amidst the mediocrity of everyday life.

She begins by discussing this idea of eucharisteo, which in the original Greek translates to "he gave thanks." She does a simple word study:

- The root word of eucharisteo is charis, which means "grace." [Grace is enveloped by thanksgiving.]

- Chara, the derivative of charis, means "joy."

And so, she poses the question: Is the height of our holy joy dependent on the depths of our thanksgiving?

Lately I've found myself wrestling with this idea of finding joy amidst my anxiety. Amidst the busyness of classes, preparing for graduation, applying for jobs, planning a wedding, and finding time for the people I love in between. Some days, life feels so crazy and busy that it begins to feel somewhat like I'm going through the motions--striving to get to this place that is life after graduation, after the wedding, after finding a job. When things will finally settle down. But I want to live fully right here, where God has me right now.

I'm not interested in transient pleasure. I'm after real, pure, holy joy--the kind that makes one positively radiate. I love this idea that Voskamp is presenting: that the deepest, purest, holiest joy is simply obtained through the giving of thanks.

Well, I'd like to think that I'm thankful for everything.

But I love this next thought: "...slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life" (p. 57). How true and so very humbling.

It's one thing to be generally grateful for what you have, but another entirely to be specifically thankful for each individual blessing. One of the author's friends challenges her to make a list of one thousand blessings that she is thankful for, and I decided to take that challenge as well. It sounds a bit daunting, but even after the first five things I wrote down I couldn't help but smile. The simplest things that bring a smile to my face, but that I've never actually thought to thank God for:

1. Waking up in time to watch the sun rise

2. Laughing until it hurts

3. A smile from a stranger

Really, the littlest things that happen every single day, and somehow I've managed to neglect to see them for what they are: gifts from God. And so I'm on a mission--a journey, if you will--to discover joy and life in the smallest of blessings, and to train my heart to seek out opportunities for gratitude.

"When we lay the soil of our hard lies open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." - Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

(un)Familiar Territory

Over the past couple of weeks, my anxiety has begun to resurface.

It didn't take much time for my steady downward spiral to plummet into an all-out nosedive. To put it simply, I felt like I had completely lost all hope. I began believing the lies that I would never be set free from this bondage and that I was more or less a lost cause. I had even reached the point of neglecting to pray and spend time in the Word because I was so sure it was no use. In other words, I had hit rock bottom.

Again.

It's one thing to know the truth--to be able to recite a Bible verse here and there and know the general gist of what the Bible says about situations like this. It's an entirely different thing to believe it in your heart every minute of every bad day. Every second of every panic attack. I know the truth; but for the past few weeks it's felt as though my mind has been dragging my pathetic, hopeless little heart along with it. Let me tell you, firsthand--that's not a place anyone wants to be. I wanted more, but I was tired of searching for it and tired of feeling as though every inch of progress I've made in the last two years had been lost. I was disappointed, hopeless, and heartbroken. But the Lord refused to leave me there.

This morning after church I was talking to my dear friend, Jossie, about my situation. She patiently listened and gracefully spoke truth into my life in exactly the way I needed to hear it. I mentioned to her that I'd even gotten to the point of asking myself if I actually wanted to be miserable, because I couldn't understand why I kept finding myself back in this place. One thing she said that really stuck out to me was that because I have been battling anxiety for so many years, it's become familiar territory. As horrible as it sounds, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's true: I tend to be more comfortable in this place of fear and severe anxiety than I am otherwise because it's what I've grown accustomed to over the years. I let anxiety become my default setting; and in the process, I inadvertently allowed it to take Christ's place in my heart. I had surrendered myself so fully to my anxiety and resigned myself to a life of fear and grief that I let it push God completely out of the picture. It sounds odd, letting something that I hate so much become the center of my life; but when it comes right down to it, I had simply given in and accepted that this is how I was destined to live.

I was so very wrong. My conversation with Jossie today gave me a lot to think about. Then I came home and read today's entry in my devotional, which you can read here: http://kailabowlin.blogspot.com/2012/04/streams-in-desert.html. I believe with all my heart that God was speaking directly to me through the words on that page.

I understand now that by actively surrendering myself to my anxiety and insecurities, I was actively putting distance between myself and God. Now I find myself again in this place of repentance, bearing my soul and presenting him with a shattered heart once again. He is the only one who can rescue me from this pit of self-loathing that I so shamelessly dug for myself. I'm starting over. I'm believing for healing and for restoration. I'm believing for salvation despite my prideful, sinful insistence on maintaining such a tight grasp on my own life. Rather than surrendering to the darkness, I'm choosing to surrender to the Light, and praying that God will remove every trace of familiarity associated with my anxiety and replace it with His own perfect peace.

And now, all that I can do is put my soul in one position--one of continual repentance and unyielding trust--and keep it there.

Streams in the Desert

Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him. (Job 13:15)

Because I know whom I have believed. (2 Timothy 1:12)

I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea

Come drifting home with broken masts an sails;

I will believe the Hand that never fails,

From seeming evil works to good for me.

And thug I weep because those sails are tattered,

Still will I cry, while my best hopes lie shattered:

"I trust in Thee."

I will not doubt, though all my prayers return

Unanswered from the still, white realm above;

I will believe it is an all-wise love

That has refused these things for which I yearn;

And though at times I cannot keep from grieving,

Yet the pure passion of my fixed believing

Undimmed will burn.

I will not doubt, though sorrows fall like rain,

And troubles swarm like bees about a hive.

I will believe the heights for which I strive

Are only reached by anguish and by pain;

And though I groan and writhe beneath my crosses,

Yet I will see through my severest losses

The greater gain.

I will not doubt. Well anchored is this faith,

Like some staunch ship, my soul braves every gale;

So strong its courage that it will not fail

To face the mighty unknown sea of death.

Oh, may I cry, though body leaves the spirit,

"I do not doubt," so listening worlds may hear it,

With my last breath.

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." And this, dear Christian, is what you must do.

Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can only do one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.

You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may--whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers--you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus. Richard Fuller

[from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman]

Fragile and Rejoicing

I'm very fragile.

I'm not confident.

I struggle with anxiety.

I worry too much.

I let little things get to me.

I constantly compare myself to other people.

I tend to be a control freak and

I'm afraid of not being good enough.

Most of the time I'm convinced that these aspects of my fragility add up to one big character flaw. However, recently I've decided that's not the case.

You see, I believe that I'm fragile by design.

These are certainly things I need to work on--no doubt about it. But it's not my job to be bulletproof. Psalm 103:14 says,

"For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust." (NLT)

How humbling! God knows my weaknesses and limitations. And while I am called to believe in Him, trust in Him, and faithfully serve and worship Him, I can do all that without having to be Superwoman. God knows how fragile I am. I believe with all my heart that God doesn't look down on fragile souls in disappointment.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"...

I think I've probably referenced this verse in a blog a hundred times before. But right now, in this moment, I find it absolutely breathtaking.

..."Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV).

The enemy does an excellent job of presenting my fragility in a negative light and getting me down on myself. But lately the Lord is showing me how being as fragile as I am is a constant reminder of how much I need God.

And that is something to rejoice in :)

Words to live by:

Today is the day.

Live your life

with abandon.

Be courageous and wild at heart.

Be your own hero.

Follow your dreams,

no matter how big they are.

Fall in love.

Be generous and truthful.

Inspire someone.

Take chances and be spontaneous.

Make friends wherever you go.

Create happiness.

Smile at strangers,

we're on this journey together.

This is your life...

make it beautiful.

I love the way He holds me!

In my time with Jesus this morning, I read this story of a Christian woman's dream about seeing three other women in prayer:

When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, "How greatly He must have loved the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look."
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, "O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
"The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest of service.
"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arranger for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity, and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
"My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes--that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external."

This was exactly the reminder and encouragement I needed today. The last couple of weeks for me have been excruciatingly busy, what with traveling to Fort Collins for Mill City meetings and run-throughs every weekend, having orientation and a 12-hour clinical shift at Children's in Denver this week immediately followed by a 12-hour shift here in town, care plans, catching up on homework and reading, and preparing for two exams and a paper due early next week. I feel exhausted and spread so thin to say the least. I've been so discouraged because I hardly have time to feed myself, let alone answer calls and texts and spend the time that I want to with Jesus.

And that has been the absolute worst part. I know Jesus should always come first. School is transient and means nothing compared to my relationship with Him. I read a tweet from Aaron Stern the other day that really humbled me:

When Jesus is the center, everything else in life is negotiable.

The hard thing is, I believe with all my heart that God has called me to be a nurse, and I have to work as hard and as much as I am in order to become one. My problem is that I get so caught up in my work and doing well in school that it becomes the center of my life. But I'm not in nursing school for the sake of being in nursing school. I'm in nursing school for Jesus. Another thing Aaron Stern always says is that we are always worshiping. Whether it is interacting with peers, driving to work, eating lunch, whatever--we are in His presence. Now I'm just starting to feel silly. I need to quit treating my studying as studying, my clinicals as clinicals, and my care plans as care plans. [[I need to treat every minute I spend studying, in clinicals, and writing care plans as a minute glorifying and worshiping Jesus.]] Because I wholeheartedly believe that that is exactly what He wants.

So back to the story: Lately I've also been in the mindset that while I have been unable to give God enough time and attention, He has been neglecting to interact with me or speak to me. But I am always in His presence. He never leaves my side. While I've been having mental breakdowns and feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and alone, He has been right here beside me, providing me with the strength I need to endure it (1 Cor. 10:13). He is always loving me and interacting with me in exactly the way I need it!

The beauty of it almost brings me to tears. This morning is the first time in almost a week that I have been able to stop and catch my breath, and Jesus used it to speak to my heart and bring life back into focus. He is replacing my anxiety and stress with confidence and joy. I am in absolute awe of His love and faithfulness right now. He never fails to turn the ups and downs of my life into an opportunity to learn to trust Him more!