"When he puts forth all his own, he goes ahead of them," -John 10:4
Recently I've found myself very anxious about the future. I'm about to begin my final semester of college, which means that finding a job and starting my career is only months away for me. Whenever I talk to someone who is about to start college or maybe is in their freshman or sophomore year, I'll typically ask them what they want to do when they graduate. So often the answer is, "I don't know," or "I haven't decided yet," which I believe is 100% okay. My response is always, "That's alright, you've got time."
Well, my time has pretty much run out.
Lucky for me, I bypassed the question of what I will do long ago. Now it's just a matter of where. I've spent the last few days searching for nursing jobs in Northern Colorado, emailing HR offices, and so on. Sure, there are jobs available. But 99.9% of them require x years of experience, which I most certainly do not have. That's the anxiety-inducing part.
So I find that my mind is flooded with questions like,
"What if you can't find a job in Fort Collins?"
"What if there are no new grad programs with spots available?"
"What if, by the time you graduate and are eligible to apply, there are no open positions?"
"What if Aaron can't find a job either?"
"How are you going to support yourselves?"
"Is Fort Collins really the right move?"
And so on.
Needless to say, it gets a little bit ridiculous. But I came across John 10:4 this morning and suddenly the future didn't seem so ominous.
"When he puts forth all his own, he goes ahead of them,"
I wholeheartedly believe that God did not call me into nursing and get me through school to leave me high and dry. I don't believe that God sets us up for failure. He has every second of my life planned out, and has since before I was even a thought. Maybe I won't find a job right away, maybe I will. Maybe I'll get to work in hospital right off the bat, maybe I won't. Either way, I'm part of a divine plan; and either way, God is in control. Regardless of what I'm doing 6 months from now, I believe with all my heart that I will be where He wants me to be, and that I will be able to serve and honor Him in that. He knows what will happen so that all I have to do is quiet myself and trust Him to guide me there. Whatever tomorrow or next week or next year brings, God is already there.
That's all the assurance I need :)
"Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us." - F.B. Meyer
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
God Made Me This Way
This morning I read the January 7th entry in my Streams in the Desert devotional, and it really touched my heart. Particularly a simple, yet beautiful little story:
A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine tree was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.
And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face bright and happy as ever and said, "Well, violet, I'm glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don't seem to be the least disheartened." The violet responded, "No, I'm not. I know I'm small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I'm determined to be the best little violet I can be."
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Philippians 4:11)
I'm so guilty of wasting precious time comparing myself to other people and wishing I was a little bit different or more like someone else. Silly things, like wishing my hair was straighter, or that I wasn't quite so tall, or that I could sing like Carrie Underwood. Newsflash: my hair is curly, I'm 5'10", and I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
But God made me this way.
When I think about it, it seems absolutely ridiculous that I would want to change the things that make me unique. Striving to be something or someone I'm not is positively futile. So why waste all the time and energy? Why not channel it all toward honing the skills I do have and learning how to better appreciate who God created me to be?
I recently finished reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. (It's an incredible book and I highly recommend it to every woman on the planet.) The book basically identifies the main roots of insecurity and discusses how to firmly establish your security in Christ. If there's one thing I learned, it's that insecurity does absolutely nothing for us or for anyone else, and allowing it to fester is 100% destructive. Simply put, that is not how we were created to live.
[She] will not fear evil tidings; [her] heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. [Her] heart is upheld, [she] will not fear, until [she] looks with satisfaction on [her] adversaries. (Psalm 112: 7-8). THIS is how we were created to live.
I am the way I am because God wants me this way.
You are the way you are because God wants you that way.
We are completely and intentionally unique.
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.
I believe with all my heart that life as we know it would be nothing more than an absurd fleeting thought had we all been created exactly the same. And I'm willing to bet that if we were all the same, we'd be wasting our time wishing we were different.
I know that the King wanted a Kaila Arielle Bowlin, so I'm determined to be the best little Kaila Arielle Bowlin I can be.
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it's stupid." - Albert Einstein
A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine tree was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.
And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face bright and happy as ever and said, "Well, violet, I'm glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don't seem to be the least disheartened." The violet responded, "No, I'm not. I know I'm small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or a pine or a peach tree or even a lilac, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I'm determined to be the best little violet I can be."
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Philippians 4:11)
I'm so guilty of wasting precious time comparing myself to other people and wishing I was a little bit different or more like someone else. Silly things, like wishing my hair was straighter, or that I wasn't quite so tall, or that I could sing like Carrie Underwood. Newsflash: my hair is curly, I'm 5'10", and I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
But God made me this way.
When I think about it, it seems absolutely ridiculous that I would want to change the things that make me unique. Striving to be something or someone I'm not is positively futile. So why waste all the time and energy? Why not channel it all toward honing the skills I do have and learning how to better appreciate who God created me to be?
I recently finished reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. (It's an incredible book and I highly recommend it to every woman on the planet.) The book basically identifies the main roots of insecurity and discusses how to firmly establish your security in Christ. If there's one thing I learned, it's that insecurity does absolutely nothing for us or for anyone else, and allowing it to fester is 100% destructive. Simply put, that is not how we were created to live.
[She] will not fear evil tidings; [her] heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. [Her] heart is upheld, [she] will not fear, until [she] looks with satisfaction on [her] adversaries. (Psalm 112: 7-8). THIS is how we were created to live.
I am the way I am because God wants me this way.
You are the way you are because God wants you that way.
We are completely and intentionally unique.
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.
I believe with all my heart that life as we know it would be nothing more than an absurd fleeting thought had we all been created exactly the same. And I'm willing to bet that if we were all the same, we'd be wasting our time wishing we were different.
I know that the King wanted a Kaila Arielle Bowlin, so I'm determined to be the best little Kaila Arielle Bowlin I can be.
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it's stupid." - Albert Einstein
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Spend Yourself.
I've heard it said that life is too short to do things that you don't want to do. Often times I'm tempted to fall into this habit of thinking. I mean, to be fair, life is short. The Bible itself describes us as "just a vapor" (James 4:14, NASB). But the more I think about it, the more I think that we've blown this whole live-for-the-moment mindset completely out of proportion.
This week I finished reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. In one of the last chapters, I read something that the Lord has really been pressing upon my heart:
"...now it's time to spend your lives."
Ever since I read, reread, and highlighted those words, it's like God has continually reminded me each day to spend myself. And ever since, I have been wrestling with what that looks like.
I think it goes without saying that Jesus was the ultimate example of what it means to spend oneself. In everything about His ministry, the way He taught, healed, and invested in the lives of those around Him, He spent Himself. In humbling Himself to walk the earth as a man and unconditionally serve a lost and undeserving people He spent Himself. And in willingly sacrificing His own life to atone for every sin ever committed, He spent Himself in the greatest way.
I believe with all my heart that this is what we are called to. To love, to serve, and to bring God glory. I also believe that in order to accomplish any of these things, we must give of ourselves. That doesn't mean it's always easy. Or enjoyable. Sometimes it might even be that last thing in the world we'd ever want to do. But that's all part of taking up our cross daily. The Lord is really challenging me with this lately, and I absolutely love it. I don't want to live for me. I want to live for Jesus, and I want my own interests to be the very last thing on my list of priorities.
I believe that therein lies the simplest and purest form of joy this side of heaven.
This week I finished reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. In one of the last chapters, I read something that the Lord has really been pressing upon my heart:
"...now it's time to spend your lives."
Ever since I read, reread, and highlighted those words, it's like God has continually reminded me each day to spend myself. And ever since, I have been wrestling with what that looks like.
I think it goes without saying that Jesus was the ultimate example of what it means to spend oneself. In everything about His ministry, the way He taught, healed, and invested in the lives of those around Him, He spent Himself. In humbling Himself to walk the earth as a man and unconditionally serve a lost and undeserving people He spent Himself. And in willingly sacrificing His own life to atone for every sin ever committed, He spent Himself in the greatest way.
I believe with all my heart that this is what we are called to. To love, to serve, and to bring God glory. I also believe that in order to accomplish any of these things, we must give of ourselves. That doesn't mean it's always easy. Or enjoyable. Sometimes it might even be that last thing in the world we'd ever want to do. But that's all part of taking up our cross daily. The Lord is really challenging me with this lately, and I absolutely love it. I don't want to live for me. I want to live for Jesus, and I want my own interests to be the very last thing on my list of priorities.
I believe that therein lies the simplest and purest form of joy this side of heaven.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
convicted.
Lately I've felt the Lord gently convicting me of how sarcastic I can be. My intention has only ever been lighthearted, but I'm becoming aware of how it sounds sometimes...
mean.
A few nights ago, Aaron was driving me home and I was joking around with him when he told me that sometimes my jokes come off really rude. Again, that's never my intention. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
The other night I said, "I hate you" to one of my good friends (completely joking, of course, because she was beating me at Hanging With Friends). When my roommate heard me, she quietly said, "Aww, don't say that." They both knew I was joking, and my roommate was in no way being bossy or harsh. But hearing that really hit me.
I don't want to be sarcastic. I don't want to be mean or rude. And I definitely don't want to tell anyone that I hate them, even if it is just jokingly. I've never considered myself a "mean" person, so being convicted of this has been really hard. I'm ashamed of myself, and my first reaction is to get defensive. But like I said...I don't want to be mean.
God has been ever so patient with me on this. More patient than I deserve. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about where this rude, sarcastic humor has been coming from. My only conclusion at this point is that it has something to do with the position of my heart. And if I'm being quite honest, I think it has a heck of a lot to do with how insecure I am. I'm not proud of either of these things, and frankly it's hard to admit to. I hate the idea that something deeply rooted in my heart is causing me to be so harsh. Unfortunately, it's the truth; but lucky for me, in the words of one of my dearest friends, "There's grace for that."
I'm so grateful for God's mercies and that He was gracious enough to bring this to my attention as gently as he has. I'm also grateful that He loves me enough to nudge me closer to His heart and away from the world's idea of humor. Now it's up to me to remain prayerful that the Lord will show me the things in my heart that need to change, and trust that He'll walk with me through it.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." - Psalm 139:23-24
mean.
A few nights ago, Aaron was driving me home and I was joking around with him when he told me that sometimes my jokes come off really rude. Again, that's never my intention. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
The other night I said, "I hate you" to one of my good friends (completely joking, of course, because she was beating me at Hanging With Friends). When my roommate heard me, she quietly said, "Aww, don't say that." They both knew I was joking, and my roommate was in no way being bossy or harsh. But hearing that really hit me.
I don't want to be sarcastic. I don't want to be mean or rude. And I definitely don't want to tell anyone that I hate them, even if it is just jokingly. I've never considered myself a "mean" person, so being convicted of this has been really hard. I'm ashamed of myself, and my first reaction is to get defensive. But like I said...I don't want to be mean.
God has been ever so patient with me on this. More patient than I deserve. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days about where this rude, sarcastic humor has been coming from. My only conclusion at this point is that it has something to do with the position of my heart. And if I'm being quite honest, I think it has a heck of a lot to do with how insecure I am. I'm not proud of either of these things, and frankly it's hard to admit to. I hate the idea that something deeply rooted in my heart is causing me to be so harsh. Unfortunately, it's the truth; but lucky for me, in the words of one of my dearest friends, "There's grace for that."
I'm so grateful for God's mercies and that He was gracious enough to bring this to my attention as gently as he has. I'm also grateful that He loves me enough to nudge me closer to His heart and away from the world's idea of humor. Now it's up to me to remain prayerful that the Lord will show me the things in my heart that need to change, and trust that He'll walk with me through it.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." - Psalm 139:23-24
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil
I struggle with holding on to things far too tightly and far longer than I should. 99% of the time it's the past, and my heart never fails to re-break at any miniscule hint of that thing I can't let go of.
The ridiculous thing is, these things shouldn't be hurting me anymore. They're over. Faults have been forgiven and things are different now. So why can't I let go? And worse yet, why do I have this horrible desire to know every last detail of situations that took place months ago, when I know it's just going to hurt me more?
The Lord has a funny way of making Himself heard sometimes.
This is what I've been struggling with tonight. But I sat down to read the chapters of So Long, Insecurity that we're covering in Bible study tomorrow, and the first one may as well have been addressed to me. Beth Moore discusses the exact struggle I'm having right now. I'm in absolute awe of how perfect this is. In her words,
"We can insist on knowing more about ______________ than we end up being able to handle." Yep. That's me. "Details...can paint vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time your close your eyes. Most of the time the information emerging from our persistent, prurient interest proves very harmful. What's most baffling is the cycle of insecurity it causes. We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every though, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can't handle the answers to."
God put me in my place to say the least.
Beth Moore compares situations like this to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is incredible (and humbling). We want to know what only God was meant to know. "What God initiates, He equips us to handle." In other words, what I know because God intends for me to know it, God will give me the grace to accept and deal with. The things I pursue beyond that are without a doubt more than I can handle and more than I am supposed to know. God is omnicient because He is completely perfect, immutable, and holy, and He can handle it. Simply put, I can't know everything. My mind and my emotions weren't designed to be able to know and cope with everything. I can only effectively cope with what God intends for me to. If that's not humbling, then I don't know what is.
So now I know, and now my mind and my heart can rest knowing that everything is as it should be right now. Dwelling on the past will only keep me stuck there.
What's done is done. Time to let go and move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day.
The ridiculous thing is, these things shouldn't be hurting me anymore. They're over. Faults have been forgiven and things are different now. So why can't I let go? And worse yet, why do I have this horrible desire to know every last detail of situations that took place months ago, when I know it's just going to hurt me more?
The Lord has a funny way of making Himself heard sometimes.
This is what I've been struggling with tonight. But I sat down to read the chapters of So Long, Insecurity that we're covering in Bible study tomorrow, and the first one may as well have been addressed to me. Beth Moore discusses the exact struggle I'm having right now. I'm in absolute awe of how perfect this is. In her words,
"We can insist on knowing more about ______________ than we end up being able to handle." Yep. That's me. "Details...can paint vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time your close your eyes. Most of the time the information emerging from our persistent, prurient interest proves very harmful. What's most baffling is the cycle of insecurity it causes. We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every though, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can't handle the answers to."
God put me in my place to say the least.
Beth Moore compares situations like this to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is incredible (and humbling). We want to know what only God was meant to know. "What God initiates, He equips us to handle." In other words, what I know because God intends for me to know it, God will give me the grace to accept and deal with. The things I pursue beyond that are without a doubt more than I can handle and more than I am supposed to know. God is omnicient because He is completely perfect, immutable, and holy, and He can handle it. Simply put, I can't know everything. My mind and my emotions weren't designed to be able to know and cope with everything. I can only effectively cope with what God intends for me to. If that's not humbling, then I don't know what is.
So now I know, and now my mind and my heart can rest knowing that everything is as it should be right now. Dwelling on the past will only keep me stuck there.
What's done is done. Time to let go and move forward.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thankful
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
[psalm100]
I read this last night before I went to bed and was immediately humbled. This psalm is even labeled as "A Psalm of Thanksgiving." I don't think it could be any clearer that God is speaking.
I'm completely ashamed.
Ever since I got engaged, my life has been something of a whirlwind. My mind is constantly moving a million miles per minute. It's like I've been transitioning into living a life that is 100% centered around me. But that's not how I want to live.
I've gotten really good at complaining about my inability to connect with God and doing absolutely nothing about it. So good, in fact, that I've gotten comfortable complaining about it and allowed that to be good enough.
I've mentioned before that I'm working my way through the book of Psalms, reading at least 2 per day (ideally). Lately I've been so bad about making time to spend with Jesus and chalking it up to my inability to focus. But last night I was craving that time. So I picked up where I had left off in the Psalms. Chapter 100 all but slapped me in the face:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us,
And not we ourselves.
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And his faithfulness to all generations.
I felt as though I was reading a list of things I've been failing at. What hit me even harder, though, is that this is actually called a Psalm of Thanksgiving. And here I've been, on Thanksgiving break, too concerned with my time off from school, my family, my fiance, and wedding planning to even acknowledge what Thanksgiving is about. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I've been taking it all for granted. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has blessed me with, and I want to start living that way.
[[Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.]]
Thank you, Jesus, for every so gently putting me in my place.
Monday, November 14, 2011
overwhelmed.
I got engaged less than a week ago and I couldn't be happier.
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
Unfortunately, since then, life has been piling up. I've found myself bending over backwards to make everyone happy. I'm overbooking and double-booking my schedule. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. There are so many calls, texts, voicemails, and emails to respond to. It almost feels like everyone else is assuming my life has been put on hold since Aaron and I got engaged. If only that were the case.
Don't get me wrong--I don't mean to complain. It's just that all of a sudden I have a million more things to think about on top of 15 credit hours and my commitments to my Bible study, theMILL, Sunday School, and Mill City Church. Not to mention my friends, family, and fiance. I'm so stressed out about so many things that I literally haven't had time to take care of myself.
Here's my problem: I want so badly to be able to make everyone happy. I want to be able to make coffee dates and lunch dates and not have to think twice about it. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, now is a pretty good time to be thankful for all of the beautiful people in my life who actually want to spend time with me. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now.
Aaron and I were on our way to a Mill City meeting this evening when I reached my breaking point. He sweetly talked me through a meltdown, then gave me his car keys and his credit card and asked me (well, more like told me) to go and treat myself. So here I am in the Old Colorado City Library. Taking time for myself.
It hasn't taken me much thought to attribute my being overwhelmed to the fact that I've had a really hard time connecting with God lately. It's been absolutely breaking my heart. I've been making the mistake of letting other things take priority. I haven't done a good job of making time for Him; and more than that, I haven't been making Him the center of my life. There's never an excuse for that.
So right here, right now, I'm deciding to make things different; to pull myself out of this awful funk I'm in and focus on what's important.
I got on facebook a little bit ago, and the first status on my feed was my best friend from high school, Stephanie's. It said,
Focus on what is good in your life. Let go of the things you cannot control. Always take care of yourself.
Perfect. And just what I needed.
Focus on what is good in your life: I'm engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I have an incredible, supportive family and amazing friends. I'm doing well in school. I graduate in May. There are only 5 more weeks of this semester, and Christmas is just around the corner. I am loved. I am being celebrated. I get to plan a wedding. I am blessed beyond belief. As I'm sitting here thinking of things to list, I realize that I could literally go on forever. I'm alive and well and really, what more could I ask for? Everything else is just icing on the cake. I don't know why that's so easy for me to forget. I guess sometimes I just need to sit myself down and remind myself of all these things.
Let go of the things you cannot control: The parking ticket I got today is over and done with. I've learned my lesson, and I just need to pay it and move on. I'm being supported financially by my incredibly gracious parents, and I have no reason to worry about money right now. One of my instructors is extremely frustrating, but she isn't going to change. I just need to accept it for 4 more weeks and then I can be done. I can't make everybody happy. It's not my job to make everybody happy. The world won't end if I say no. What's past is past. I can't go back and change anything, and the best thing that I can do is let it be and focus on what's in front of me. Worrying doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't get anything done. Matthew 6, Kaila. Matthew 6.
Always take care of yourself: I'm going to keep working out consistently and let that be a priority. I'm going to do my best to go to bed early. I'm going to set aside time to clean my room, even if it means saying no to something. I'm going to be honest with people when I'm stressed and hope that they understand. I'm going to say no sometimes, because try as I might to convince myself otherwise, I NEED time to myself. I'm going to go to my therapy session tomorrow and love every second of it. Finally, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time with my Jesus every day, and I'm going to recenter my life around Him and His love, mercy, and provision. Because He is all that matters, and He is all I need. And allowing Him to take care of me is the best way I can take care of myself.
[This is me letting go.]
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