hate (v.)

Yesterday during worship at New Life I found myself looking around the room, just sort of watching people. I love doing that, maybe even to the point where it's a little weird. But I love watching people worship. It breaks my heart in an incredible way and encourages me more than almost anything else. But this time, God brought a quote to my mind that I had read a few days earlier:

"How do we view those who do not show love for us? Do we see them as persons for whom Christ died or as persons who make our lives difficult?" - Jerry Bridges, The Pursuit of Holiness

Recently I've been noticing more and more people saying things like, "I hate so-and-so." I know I'm guilty of it, and it's really starting to bother me. Hate is such a terrible word, and I really think that it's too strong a word to get thrown around the way it does. It's sad how easy it is for us to say that we hate somebody when we are specifically called to do just the opposite [Matt. 5:43-48].

Obviously, we're not going to get along with everybody. If you do get along with everybody, chances are you're not being real with yourself or anybody else. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we have to like everyone in the whole world. But we are called to something much bigger--to love everyone in the whole world.

So back to the quote: how do we view those who don't show love for us? Or who annoy us? Or are downright mean to us? The world looks down on them and thinks poorly of them. But as Christ-followers, we are called to see them as Jesus does: as lost souls who He was willing to sacrifice His life for. It's pretty sobering to realize that each and every person someone claims to hate, God loves more than anyone could comprehend.

So I challenge you with this: whoever came to your mind as you read this, just remember that Jesus died for them too. We're all just as much in need of grace as they are.

I am Free

I've been debating whether or not I want this particular topic to be world wide web-accessible, but I think that transparency is a really important part of fellowship and relationship. And if God's doing something incredible, why keep it to myself? So, here it goes...

When I first started seeing my counselor back in October, she had me take an anxiety inventory and a depression inventory to gauge where I was at. I scored a 66 on my anxiety inventory, which is classified as extreme anxiety/panic. I scored a 26 on my depression inventory, which is classified as moderate depression. Filling out these inventories and hearing my results in and of itself was really tough. Even though it wasn't exactly news to me, it all suddenly felt really official, and that was scary. A lot of that comes from the horrible stigmas associated with depression and anxiety disorders, but I also succumbed to believing the devil's lies when he told me that I was a lesser person because of them. It was a difficult season to say the least.

Today during my appointment with my counselor, she had me re-take both inventories to see where I'm at now. My anxiety score went from 66 to 11, and my depression score went from 26 to 2. Was I surprised? Not really. The last 7 months have been very rough, but I've learned so much and come so far, and God continues to prove His faithfulness and love for me. But having it put plainly on paper like that was so huge. As I think back to where I was last semester, I'm completely overwhelmed by how drastically things have changed. I'm so happy, I'm content with where God has me, and I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack or the last time I cried. I'm falling more in love with Jesus every day, and He's putting incredible people in my life to walk alongside me. He's answering my prayers and giving me new dreams and desires for my future. I'm constantly being reminded of how far we've come and all the healing and restoration God has done in my heart and in my life.

To put it simply: I've been set free!!

ROPES

This summer I'm going to Cambodia.
Yesterday all theMILL missions teams did team building exercises at a ROPES course in Black Forest. We camped out Friday night and spent all day yesterday bonding through trust and cooperation exercises. It was incredible!

Between two of the elements, our guides suggested that we do a "prayer car wash." We formed two lines facing each other and took turns walking down the middle while the people in line laid hands on us, prayed, and spoke words over us. The Holy Spirit was really moving, and it was absolutely incredible to see my team come together the way we did. I was so encouraged when it was my turn. These are some of the things that my teammates prayed/spoke over me:

~ "I see strength in you; strength that you don't even realize yet."
~ "God had a plan for you before you were even born. He knows every hair on your head and every fiber in your heart. And He loves you more than you could possibly know."
~ One of our guides saw a vision of the two Marys: Mary the mother of Jesus, and Mary Magdalene. He talked about Mary obeying by bringing Jesus into this world, and Mary Magdalene obeying by worshiping Him at His resurrection. He said that I exemplify both of these.
~ Our other guide prophesied that there is someone special for me to minister to in Cambodia. Someone who needs me and who will be anxious to hear my story, and who I will have the opportunity to share the love of Christ with. She also spoke 1 John 4:17 over me: "By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world." She said, "Kaila, as He is, so you are."
~ I am in a season of renewal, and I was specifically told to "enjoy this time."
~ I was told that I have no reason to worry or strive, because I have been renewed.
~ One of my leaders described me as "lost in the Spirit," and commented that I had prayed about specific things in his life that I had no way of knowing about.
~ Freedom
~ The words "the embodiment of beauty" and "bride of Christ."

Unfortunately I can't remember everything; but I do remember sobbing as my teammates laid hands on me and spoke such powerful, encouraging words over and into my life. This was one of the most powerful prayer experiences I've ever had; both being prayed for, and praying for my Cambodia family. We came together on so many new levels yesterday, and it was absolutely beautiful. Each and every time we meet, God knits our hearts a little bit closer together, and I understand a little bit more clearly why God brought the 13 of us together. God is going to do some BIG things in Cambodia, and even the preparation is overwhelming. He is moving, and doing things in my mind and in my heart that I can't even begin to explain. All I know is that He is confirming each and every step I take toward Cambodia in ways I never expected.

All I can say is, wow!

A New Heart, Part 2

I recently purchased the new New Life Worship album, "You Hold It All," and have been listening to it nonstop for a week. My favorite song on the album is called "Dry Bones," which is based on Ezekiel 37:1-14. It's a beautiful song and an incredible passage in Scripture. The song has been stuck in my head for days, so I keep going back and rereading Ezekiel 37. I decided to read it again tonight as I got in bed, but I realized that I left my NASB Bible (the one I always use) downstairs and I was too lazy to go down and get it...typical. So I looked it up in my NIV Bible. But as soon as I'd flipped to the right page something else caught my attention: a few verses I had underlined about a year ago...

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27

I remembered blogging about this verse a long time ago, so I found it and reread it. It was just over a year ago, March 11, 2010. Coincidentally, I was in just about the exact same place situationally as I am right now: post-breakup. But emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I'm a completely different person. I have to be honest, I'm in complete awe of God right now. Everything about this is so perfect. I feel like this promise is finally coming full-circle for me.

Okay, let's back up: recently I feel like God has really put it on my heart to study the fruit of the Spirit in my quiet times. I really want to learn what it means to walk in the Spirit at all times, and I want my life to bear fruit as evidence of Christ in me. I've been praying about it a lot, asking God where to start. Then I went to theMILL on Friday night. Aaron Stern is starting a new series called "Pneuma." What's it about? The Holy Spirit. Coincidence? I think not :) I consider that prayer answered!

During worship on Friday night I really felt God break my heart. I'd had a pretty rough week and made some pretty bad decisions, so I was feeling pretty down. I'd been feeling like I'd canceled out all the progress I've made. But as we sang the song "Healer," I was holding my hands out and happened to open my eyes and see the tattoo on my wrist. My reminder of the progress I've made and all the ways Jesus has healed me and set me free. Then it dawned on me: how could anything I do, no matter how stupid, cancel out what God has done in me? My bad week was distracting me, but it didn't change who I am or the healing God has done in my heart. God doesn't unheal; I just lost sight of His hand for a while.

At some point while all of this was going on in my head I knelt down, and as soon as I did I heard His voice. Not audibly, but in my heart. It was quiet and gentle, but perfectly clear. He asked me for the part of my heart I was saving for Aaron.

Now this might sound a little ridiculous, but I had never thought of it that way before; that I was actually holding on to a piece of my heart and working to preserve my feelings in hopes of another chance someday. But holding out for Aaron meant holding out on God. As soon as I heard God ask me for the rest of my heart--ask me, not demand it--I smiled. Because now it all makes sense.

God's hand in my life is SO evident to me right now. I feel like I've finally given Jesus full reign and surrendered my whole heart to Him. I feel lighter. And I feel so in tune with God's Spirit. Like my biggest, highest wall has finally been torn down. I believe with all my heart that God promised Ezekiel 36:25-27 to me on March 11, 2010. And I believe that today He is finally fulfilling that promise.

Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday, the day we recognize in memory of Jesus' crucifixion. TheMILL's Good Friday service is always really good, but this year's really got me thinking.

We celebrate Easter in honor of Jesus' victory over death. The remarkable day in history when Jesus conquered the grave and allowed us to claim freedom from death in His name. And because we know how the story ends, the climax--Good Friday--often gets overlooked in anticipation of celebrating the most incredible event in history. "We rush past the cross on the way to an empty tomb." -Aaron Stern

Jesus willingly suffered hours of violent torture for us. For me. For you. He had the power to call the whole thing off, but He didn't. Every single mistake I've ever made was paid for that night, and because of His sacrifice I am able to live freely and without condemnation. Before Jesus died, He gave clear instructions for how we are called to live.

"And He was saying to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.'" -Luke 9:23-24

Jesus instructs us to go to the cross. To deny ourselves, our wishes, dreams, and desires in exchange for His. And He didn't merely give instructions; He led the way. He sacrificed His own comfort, His body, His reputation, His life and submit to the will of the Father. Jesus' very last words before He died were, "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit," (Luke 23:46).

This is what left my mind buzzing. Am I willing to do the same? Can I honestly say, "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit"? Not just when I need Him, not just when it's easy; but every day--every waking moment of my life? I've had Luke 9:23-24 memorized for years, but I think I'm only just now beginning to realize what that really means. With all the changes I've experienced in my life lately, I'm understanding how hard it really is to deny myself.

It occurred to me last night that my absolute worst fear right now is not getting what I want. Pretty selfish, right? All this time I've been so afraid of things not ending up how I thought they would and how I wanted them to. I've been upset that everything I thought I had planned for myself has fallen apart...but God's changing my perspective. What a perfect opportunity to truly deny myself. To set aside all my plans, my dreams, my hopes, and my desires in order to make room for the ones He has for me. Rather than focusing on the fact that so much in my life is changing right now, God's teaching me how to see this new season as an opportunity. I'm learning lesson after lesson about trust, faith, and life in general. After all that's happened in the past few months, my life is beginning to look a lot like a blank canvas, and I'm handing Him the brush. God is humbling me and showing me what it looks like to truly deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. As long as He's leading, I don't need to know where we're going, because I believe with all my heart that it's someplace beautiful.

Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

This is an area God has really been challenging me in lately. The NASB translation reads, "Cease striving, and know that I am God." The original Hebrew is directly translated as "let go" or "relax." If you know me at all, you know that regardless of the translation, this is not my area of expertise. In fact, it's always been a real struggle for me. I've never been the type of person to just let things go, and my anxiety makes relaxing almost impossible most of the time. Fortunately, the secret to being still isn't a secret at all.

"...know that I am God."

I've always thought I had my life pretty much figured out. Then a couple of months ago, my everything turned upside down. My two and a half year relationship came to a screeching halt. Since then, God has shown me how shaky my trust in Him is. I've lived in constant fear of being replaced and of not being good enough. I've battled feelings of insecurity and accusations of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, sweet enough, fun enough, captivating enough, godly enough, and perfect enough. My impatience is more obvious to me now than it has ever been, and I'm constantly trying to figure out what's going happen next and what God is doing in all of this. Months later, none of my questions have been answered and I can't help but feel as though I should have made more progress than I have at this point...

"Be still, and know that I am God."

If God answered all my questions, I wouldn't learn anything. I wouldn't learn what it means to be patient and wait on Him. I wouldn't learn how to trust Him more. I wouldn't learn how to be still. This season of my life isn't comfortable. But if it was, what reason would I have to trust God in the first place?

This whole process has been so humbling. Who am I to think that I know better than God does? Who am I to think that what I want for my life could possibly be better than what God has planned for me? Who am I to think that I could have possibly had it all figured out? That's not my job, it's His. My job is simply to be still and know that God is in control.

I'm constantly being reminded that I can't do this on my own strength. Being still, letting go, and relaxing are all very difficult for me. But I believe that God is changing that. I don't expect instant results, because I know myself better than that. It's a process. It's not my timing, it's His. And the wonderful thing about that is that He knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and He wants nothing but the best for me. Even though His timing isn't instantly gratifying for me, it's perfect.

If that's not enough of a reason to be still, to cease striving, to let go, to relax...then I don't know what is.

Letting Go

I've always had problems trusting people. I've been betrayed and hurt a lot in the past...deeply enough to still affect the majority of my decisions and relationships. It's become crippling, and unfortunately it's become a habit to hold people at arm's length in a desperate attempt to protect my heart. As soon as someone gets too close, my first reaction is to pull back before they have a chance to abandon me. It's become a subconscious thing for me. Tonight I was talking to a friend about some things, and she made the comment, "it's like you expect everyone to hurt you." Instantly I was in tears, because it's so true. It's not necessarily always a conscious mindset, but I've learned to expect to have my heart broken. I work so hard to protect myself from every potential threat, and usually it winds up hurting me more. The problem is, everyone has become a potential threat. My heart's been broken more times than I can count, and I'm so terrified of hurting like that again. That much I've always been aware of. But until I heard it in someone else's words, I didn't realize that it had become such a dominant thought.

I am so susceptible to fear, and the enemy knows it. Lately, the words "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," (I Peter 5:8) have become so much more real to me. The devil has a better handle on my weaknesses than I do, and he slips in lies every chance he gets. The worst part is, I always believe them. Always. Even if there's no logical evidence to support the lies, I'm all too quick to accept them as truth. Why is it so much easier for me to believe lies than the truth? Unfortunately, I'm still figuring that part out. But I'm starting to think it has to do with my constant expectation of being betrayed, lied to, and heartbroken.

I'm realizing now that my attempts to protect myself and my heart are more deeply rooted in my need to have control. Part of that has got to be my anxiety, and part of it is pure survival instinct. But the harder I try to control things, the less I'm trusting God. I'm realizing that all this time I've had such a tight grasp on my heart in order to keep it from falling apart. I'm also realizing that the reason it still hurts so badly is because I can't do a good enough job of that on my own strength. My heart can't heal until I let go and give it to Jesus and trust Him to take care of it. Because He can do SO much better than I can. Letting go isn't easy, and it's going to be a daily decision. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather give my heart to. After all, He created it. He filled it with all the passions, desires, and dreams that make me who I am. I can't protect myself anymore. So I'm letting go.

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4