I recently purchased the new New Life Worship album, "You Hold It All," and have been listening to it nonstop for a week. My favorite song on the album is called "Dry Bones," which is based on Ezekiel 37:1-14. It's a beautiful song and an incredible passage in Scripture. The song has been stuck in my head for days, so I keep going back and rereading Ezekiel 37. I decided to read it again tonight as I got in bed, but I realized that I left my NASB Bible (the one I always use) downstairs and I was too lazy to go down and get it...typical. So I looked it up in my NIV Bible. But as soon as I'd flipped to the right page something else caught my attention: a few verses I had underlined about a year ago...
"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." - Ezekiel 36:25-27
I remembered blogging about this verse a long time ago, so I found it and reread it. It was just over a year ago, March 11, 2010. Coincidentally, I was in just about the exact same place situationally as I am right now: post-breakup. But emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I'm a completely different person. I have to be honest, I'm in complete awe of God right now. Everything about this is so perfect. I feel like this promise is finally coming full-circle for me.
Okay, let's back up: recently I feel like God has really put it on my heart to study the fruit of the Spirit in my quiet times. I really want to learn what it means to walk in the Spirit at all times, and I want my life to bear fruit as evidence of Christ in me. I've been praying about it a lot, asking God where to start. Then I went to theMILL on Friday night. Aaron Stern is starting a new series called "Pneuma." What's it about? The Holy Spirit. Coincidence? I think not :) I consider that prayer answered!
During worship on Friday night I really felt God break my heart. I'd had a pretty rough week and made some pretty bad decisions, so I was feeling pretty down. I'd been feeling like I'd canceled out all the progress I've made. But as we sang the song "Healer," I was holding my hands out and happened to open my eyes and see the tattoo on my wrist. My reminder of the progress I've made and all the ways Jesus has healed me and set me free. Then it dawned on me: how could anything I do, no matter how stupid, cancel out what God has done in me? My bad week was distracting me, but it didn't change who I am or the healing God has done in my heart. God doesn't unheal; I just lost sight of His hand for a while.
At some point while all of this was going on in my head I knelt down, and as soon as I did I heard His voice. Not audibly, but in my heart. It was quiet and gentle, but perfectly clear. He asked me for the part of my heart I was saving for Aaron.
Now this might sound a little ridiculous, but I had never thought of it that way before; that I was actually holding on to a piece of my heart and working to preserve my feelings in hopes of another chance someday. But holding out for Aaron meant holding out on God. As soon as I heard God ask me for the rest of my heart--ask me, not demand it--I smiled. Because now it all makes sense.
God's hand in my life is SO evident to me right now. I feel like I've finally given Jesus full reign and surrendered my whole heart to Him. I feel lighter. And I feel so in tune with God's Spirit. Like my biggest, highest wall has finally been torn down. I believe with all my heart that God promised Ezekiel 36:25-27 to me on March 11, 2010. And I believe that today He is finally fulfilling that promise.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Good Friday
Yesterday was Good Friday, the day we recognize in memory of Jesus' crucifixion. TheMILL's Good Friday service is always really good, but this year's really got me thinking.
We celebrate Easter in honor of Jesus' victory over death. The remarkable day in history when Jesus conquered the grave and allowed us to claim freedom from death in His name. And because we know how the story ends, the climax--Good Friday--often gets overlooked in anticipation of celebrating the most incredible event in history. "We rush past the cross on the way to an empty tomb." -Aaron Stern
Jesus willingly suffered hours of violent torture for us. For me. For you. He had the power to call the whole thing off, but He didn't. Every single mistake I've ever made was paid for that night, and because of His sacrifice I am able to live freely and without condemnation. Before Jesus died, He gave clear instructions for how we are called to live.
"And He was saying to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.'" -Luke 9:23-24
Jesus instructs us to go to the cross. To deny ourselves, our wishes, dreams, and desires in exchange for His. And He didn't merely give instructions; He led the way. He sacrificed His own comfort, His body, His reputation, His life and submit to the will of the Father. Jesus' very last words before He died were, "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit," (Luke 23:46).
This is what left my mind buzzing. Am I willing to do the same? Can I honestly say, "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit"? Not just when I need Him, not just when it's easy; but every day--every waking moment of my life? I've had Luke 9:23-24 memorized for years, but I think I'm only just now beginning to realize what that really means. With all the changes I've experienced in my life lately, I'm understanding how hard it really is to deny myself.
It occurred to me last night that my absolute worst fear right now is not getting what I want. Pretty selfish, right? All this time I've been so afraid of things not ending up how I thought they would and how I wanted them to. I've been upset that everything I thought I had planned for myself has fallen apart...but God's changing my perspective. What a perfect opportunity to truly deny myself. To set aside all my plans, my dreams, my hopes, and my desires in order to make room for the ones He has for me. Rather than focusing on the fact that so much in my life is changing right now, God's teaching me how to see this new season as an opportunity. I'm learning lesson after lesson about trust, faith, and life in general. After all that's happened in the past few months, my life is beginning to look a lot like a blank canvas, and I'm handing Him the brush. God is humbling me and showing me what it looks like to truly deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. As long as He's leading, I don't need to know where we're going, because I believe with all my heart that it's someplace beautiful.
We celebrate Easter in honor of Jesus' victory over death. The remarkable day in history when Jesus conquered the grave and allowed us to claim freedom from death in His name. And because we know how the story ends, the climax--Good Friday--often gets overlooked in anticipation of celebrating the most incredible event in history. "We rush past the cross on the way to an empty tomb." -Aaron Stern
Jesus willingly suffered hours of violent torture for us. For me. For you. He had the power to call the whole thing off, but He didn't. Every single mistake I've ever made was paid for that night, and because of His sacrifice I am able to live freely and without condemnation. Before Jesus died, He gave clear instructions for how we are called to live.
"And He was saying to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.'" -Luke 9:23-24
Jesus instructs us to go to the cross. To deny ourselves, our wishes, dreams, and desires in exchange for His. And He didn't merely give instructions; He led the way. He sacrificed His own comfort, His body, His reputation, His life and submit to the will of the Father. Jesus' very last words before He died were, "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit," (Luke 23:46).
This is what left my mind buzzing. Am I willing to do the same? Can I honestly say, "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit"? Not just when I need Him, not just when it's easy; but every day--every waking moment of my life? I've had Luke 9:23-24 memorized for years, but I think I'm only just now beginning to realize what that really means. With all the changes I've experienced in my life lately, I'm understanding how hard it really is to deny myself.
It occurred to me last night that my absolute worst fear right now is not getting what I want. Pretty selfish, right? All this time I've been so afraid of things not ending up how I thought they would and how I wanted them to. I've been upset that everything I thought I had planned for myself has fallen apart...but God's changing my perspective. What a perfect opportunity to truly deny myself. To set aside all my plans, my dreams, my hopes, and my desires in order to make room for the ones He has for me. Rather than focusing on the fact that so much in my life is changing right now, God's teaching me how to see this new season as an opportunity. I'm learning lesson after lesson about trust, faith, and life in general. After all that's happened in the past few months, my life is beginning to look a lot like a blank canvas, and I'm handing Him the brush. God is humbling me and showing me what it looks like to truly deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him. As long as He's leading, I don't need to know where we're going, because I believe with all my heart that it's someplace beautiful.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Be Still
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
This is an area God has really been challenging me in lately. The NASB translation reads, "Cease striving, and know that I am God." The original Hebrew is directly translated as "let go" or "relax." If you know me at all, you know that regardless of the translation, this is not my area of expertise. In fact, it's always been a real struggle for me. I've never been the type of person to just let things go, and my anxiety makes relaxing almost impossible most of the time. Fortunately, the secret to being still isn't a secret at all.
"...know that I am God."
I've always thought I had my life pretty much figured out. Then a couple of months ago, my everything turned upside down. My two and a half year relationship came to a screeching halt. Since then, God has shown me how shaky my trust in Him is. I've lived in constant fear of being replaced and of not being good enough. I've battled feelings of insecurity and accusations of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, sweet enough, fun enough, captivating enough, godly enough, and perfect enough. My impatience is more obvious to me now than it has ever been, and I'm constantly trying to figure out what's going happen next and what God is doing in all of this. Months later, none of my questions have been answered and I can't help but feel as though I should have made more progress than I have at this point...
"Be still, and know that I am God."
If God answered all my questions, I wouldn't learn anything. I wouldn't learn what it means to be patient and wait on Him. I wouldn't learn how to trust Him more. I wouldn't learn how to be still. This season of my life isn't comfortable. But if it was, what reason would I have to trust God in the first place?
This whole process has been so humbling. Who am I to think that I know better than God does? Who am I to think that what I want for my life could possibly be better than what God has planned for me? Who am I to think that I could have possibly had it all figured out? That's not my job, it's His. My job is simply to be still and know that God is in control.
I'm constantly being reminded that I can't do this on my own strength. Being still, letting go, and relaxing are all very difficult for me. But I believe that God is changing that. I don't expect instant results, because I know myself better than that. It's a process. It's not my timing, it's His. And the wonderful thing about that is that He knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and He wants nothing but the best for me. Even though His timing isn't instantly gratifying for me, it's perfect.
If that's not enough of a reason to be still, to cease striving, to let go, to relax...then I don't know what is.
This is an area God has really been challenging me in lately. The NASB translation reads, "Cease striving, and know that I am God." The original Hebrew is directly translated as "let go" or "relax." If you know me at all, you know that regardless of the translation, this is not my area of expertise. In fact, it's always been a real struggle for me. I've never been the type of person to just let things go, and my anxiety makes relaxing almost impossible most of the time. Fortunately, the secret to being still isn't a secret at all.
"...know that I am God."
I've always thought I had my life pretty much figured out. Then a couple of months ago, my everything turned upside down. My two and a half year relationship came to a screeching halt. Since then, God has shown me how shaky my trust in Him is. I've lived in constant fear of being replaced and of not being good enough. I've battled feelings of insecurity and accusations of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, sweet enough, fun enough, captivating enough, godly enough, and perfect enough. My impatience is more obvious to me now than it has ever been, and I'm constantly trying to figure out what's going happen next and what God is doing in all of this. Months later, none of my questions have been answered and I can't help but feel as though I should have made more progress than I have at this point...
"Be still, and know that I am God."
If God answered all my questions, I wouldn't learn anything. I wouldn't learn what it means to be patient and wait on Him. I wouldn't learn how to trust Him more. I wouldn't learn how to be still. This season of my life isn't comfortable. But if it was, what reason would I have to trust God in the first place?
This whole process has been so humbling. Who am I to think that I know better than God does? Who am I to think that what I want for my life could possibly be better than what God has planned for me? Who am I to think that I could have possibly had it all figured out? That's not my job, it's His. My job is simply to be still and know that God is in control.
I'm constantly being reminded that I can't do this on my own strength. Being still, letting go, and relaxing are all very difficult for me. But I believe that God is changing that. I don't expect instant results, because I know myself better than that. It's a process. It's not my timing, it's His. And the wonderful thing about that is that He knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and He wants nothing but the best for me. Even though His timing isn't instantly gratifying for me, it's perfect.
If that's not enough of a reason to be still, to cease striving, to let go, to relax...then I don't know what is.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Letting Go
I've always had problems trusting people. I've been betrayed and hurt a lot in the past...deeply enough to still affect the majority of my decisions and relationships. It's become crippling, and unfortunately it's become a habit to hold people at arm's length in a desperate attempt to protect my heart. As soon as someone gets too close, my first reaction is to pull back before they have a chance to abandon me. It's become a subconscious thing for me. Tonight I was talking to a friend about some things, and she made the comment, "it's like you expect everyone to hurt you." Instantly I was in tears, because it's so true. It's not necessarily always a conscious mindset, but I've learned to expect to have my heart broken. I work so hard to protect myself from every potential threat, and usually it winds up hurting me more. The problem is, everyone has become a potential threat. My heart's been broken more times than I can count, and I'm so terrified of hurting like that again. That much I've always been aware of. But until I heard it in someone else's words, I didn't realize that it had become such a dominant thought.
I am so susceptible to fear, and the enemy knows it. Lately, the words "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," (I Peter 5:8) have become so much more real to me. The devil has a better handle on my weaknesses than I do, and he slips in lies every chance he gets. The worst part is, I always believe them. Always. Even if there's no logical evidence to support the lies, I'm all too quick to accept them as truth. Why is it so much easier for me to believe lies than the truth? Unfortunately, I'm still figuring that part out. But I'm starting to think it has to do with my constant expectation of being betrayed, lied to, and heartbroken.
I'm realizing now that my attempts to protect myself and my heart are more deeply rooted in my need to have control. Part of that has got to be my anxiety, and part of it is pure survival instinct. But the harder I try to control things, the less I'm trusting God. I'm realizing that all this time I've had such a tight grasp on my heart in order to keep it from falling apart. I'm also realizing that the reason it still hurts so badly is because I can't do a good enough job of that on my own strength. My heart can't heal until I let go and give it to Jesus and trust Him to take care of it. Because He can do SO much better than I can. Letting go isn't easy, and it's going to be a daily decision. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather give my heart to. After all, He created it. He filled it with all the passions, desires, and dreams that make me who I am. I can't protect myself anymore. So I'm letting go.
"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4
I am so susceptible to fear, and the enemy knows it. Lately, the words "Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," (I Peter 5:8) have become so much more real to me. The devil has a better handle on my weaknesses than I do, and he slips in lies every chance he gets. The worst part is, I always believe them. Always. Even if there's no logical evidence to support the lies, I'm all too quick to accept them as truth. Why is it so much easier for me to believe lies than the truth? Unfortunately, I'm still figuring that part out. But I'm starting to think it has to do with my constant expectation of being betrayed, lied to, and heartbroken.
I'm realizing now that my attempts to protect myself and my heart are more deeply rooted in my need to have control. Part of that has got to be my anxiety, and part of it is pure survival instinct. But the harder I try to control things, the less I'm trusting God. I'm realizing that all this time I've had such a tight grasp on my heart in order to keep it from falling apart. I'm also realizing that the reason it still hurts so badly is because I can't do a good enough job of that on my own strength. My heart can't heal until I let go and give it to Jesus and trust Him to take care of it. Because He can do SO much better than I can. Letting go isn't easy, and it's going to be a daily decision. But I can't think of anyone I'd rather give my heart to. After all, He created it. He filled it with all the passions, desires, and dreams that make me who I am. I can't protect myself anymore. So I'm letting go.
"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
"Look where we are now!"
Today was perfect. This morning when I woke up, I really felt like God put it on my heart to go to Navs. I hadn't been to Navs at all this semester, partially because of care plans and having to get up at 5:30 the next morning, but also because I haven't really wanted to. For a long time, Navs has been the one place where my anxiety is at its absolute worst, and for a lot of reasons. So I was surprised when I actually wanted to go. I figured there was a reason God put it on my heart, and I just felt at peace with the idea of going. So I went. The difference was unbelievable. I didn't feel self-conscious. I didn't even feel anxious! During worship it occured to me that on a scale from 0-10 (ten being the worst), my anxiety was at a 0. I literally started to crack up. I couldn't contain it! I was giggling like a little girl, and my worship became that much sweeter. I knew that God had drawn me there tonight to show me just how much work He's done in my heart. It was almost as if He was saying, "Look where we are now!" All along I've known that God has been healing me, but it wasn't until tonight that I realized exactly how far He's brought me. I couldn't ask for better encouragement. I'm being set free! :) I just re-read my devotion from this morning, and it's funny how perfect it is: "Without watchful expectation on our part, what is the sense in waiting on God for help? There will be no help without it. If we ever fail to receive strength and protection from Him, it is because we have not been looking for it. Heavenly help is often offered yet goes right past us. We miss it because we are not standing in the tower, carefully watching the horizon for evidence of its approach, and then are unready to throw the gates of our heart open so it may enter. The person who has no expectations and therefore fails to be on the alert will receive little help. Watch for God in the events of your life. 'They who watch for the providence of God will never lack the providence of God to watch for.'" Like I said, perfect :) What a faithful God we serve!! I know I still have a long way to go, but it just goes to show that healing isn't necessarily a destination, it's a journey. And tonight I caught a glimpse of just how beautiful mine is. "I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what He will say to me." - Habakkuk 2:1
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Life is good today.
Ever since I came home on Sunday my heart has been heavy. It's been really discouraging, because God has blessed me with so much joy and peace lately, and I just couldn't find it anymore. I've been feeling so attacked all of a sudden, and my anxiety has been high. It's like all the emotions I've experienced in the past month hit me all at once.
But God is still good.
Today I was at Starbucks with some friends. After I ordered, my friend gave me a sip of her drink. It was fantastic. I was kinda bummed and wished I had ordered what she got. Turns out the barista made me the wrong drink--and it was exactly what I wished for. This may seem a little silly, but I like to think God likes doing stuff like that for us sometimes. He knows what makes us smile, and He wants to do just that. And He definitely did!
Last night I prayed as I walked to the mailbox, asking for another check for my trip to Cambodia. The mailbox was completely empty, but I shrugged it off. I know God wants me on this trip. I know He'll provide. Today at school, one of my classmates walked up to me and handed me a $300 check! It was so unexpected and I couldn't help but smile the rest of the day. He certainly answered my little mailbox prayer in a MUCH bigger and better way than I expected Him to.
I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert that I read every day. You know those times when you read something and think it must have been written especially for you? Today's devotion was one of those. It really couldn't have been more perfect.
Even though my heart is still heavy and aching, God is continually answering my prayers and pursing my heart. He knows me inside and out, and knows exactly what I need exactly when I need it. It absolutely amazes me that despite my heartache, He's providing me with glimpses of hope and reminders of His love. I'm experiencing God in new ways: as a lover and a romancer. And it's beautiful :)
But God is still good.
Today I was at Starbucks with some friends. After I ordered, my friend gave me a sip of her drink. It was fantastic. I was kinda bummed and wished I had ordered what she got. Turns out the barista made me the wrong drink--and it was exactly what I wished for. This may seem a little silly, but I like to think God likes doing stuff like that for us sometimes. He knows what makes us smile, and He wants to do just that. And He definitely did!
Last night I prayed as I walked to the mailbox, asking for another check for my trip to Cambodia. The mailbox was completely empty, but I shrugged it off. I know God wants me on this trip. I know He'll provide. Today at school, one of my classmates walked up to me and handed me a $300 check! It was so unexpected and I couldn't help but smile the rest of the day. He certainly answered my little mailbox prayer in a MUCH bigger and better way than I expected Him to.
I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert that I read every day. You know those times when you read something and think it must have been written especially for you? Today's devotion was one of those. It really couldn't have been more perfect.
Even though my heart is still heavy and aching, God is continually answering my prayers and pursing my heart. He knows me inside and out, and knows exactly what I need exactly when I need it. It absolutely amazes me that despite my heartache, He's providing me with glimpses of hope and reminders of His love. I'm experiencing God in new ways: as a lover and a romancer. And it's beautiful :)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Girls Are Like Apples...
"Girls are like apples--the best ones are at the tops of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top of the tree think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing! They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."
- Pete Wentz
- Pete Wentz
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