I am a woman. An image-bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power. And I am needed.
As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life--in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awakened heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on Him and wait for Him. The eyes of His heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.
The world needs me. The world needs me to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that He placed within me so that I will come alive to Him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else He leads me.
And that is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever He leads me. He will lead me first into Himself; and then, with Him, he will lead me into the world that He loves and needs me to love.
It is by Invitation.
[An excerpt from Captivating; altered to reflect the first person]
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
To Bring Forth Life
I'm currently rereading the book Captivating, co-authored by John and Stasi Eldredge, for the fourth or fifth time. God reveals more about Himself and who He created me to be each time I read it. It's incredible. This morning as I was reading, this particular part stuck out to me:
"As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are--to encourage, nurture, and mother them toward their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life." - Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
Wow. How beautiful! I had two initial reactions. First, I thought, "I want that to be me. I want to live up to this." And second, almost instantly, examples of specific ways I've been failing at this lately flooded my mind.
It's not that I consciously do the opposite. But reading it worded like this has opened my eyes to a specific role God created me to play in people's lives. And not just "people's" lives. My mom's, my dad's, my brother's, my sister's, my friends', and my classmates' lives. In what ways have I been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering my loved ones toward their true selves? If I asked myself that question about each person in my life specifically, I'm not sure I'd have specific enough examples for everybody. And that bothers me. Like I said earlier, I was able to come up with ways that I hadn't been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering without even consciously asking myself the question. So if I'm not effectively encouraging, nurturing, and mothering, does that mean I'm hindering the people I care about the most? Or worse, hurting them? Unfortunately, I think that may be true in some cases.
As a woman, I was created to reflect the tender, merciful, and alluring part of God's heart, along with His deep desire for intimacy and relationship. It's a pretty big responsibility, being created in the image of the God of the universe. And I can't effectively bear His glorious image on my own strength, no matter how hard I try.
God is really working in my heart and making me more sensitive to His. He's showing me what I need, as well as what the people I love need from me. I'm learning how to love people better and more deeply by offering who I was created to be to those He's placed in my life. He's showing my my unique gifts. He's showing me how to encourage, to nurture, and to mother the people I love toward their true selves. And He's showing me that I have the ability and the capacity to bring forth life by simply being who I am.
"As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are--to encourage, nurture, and mother them toward their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life." - Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
Wow. How beautiful! I had two initial reactions. First, I thought, "I want that to be me. I want to live up to this." And second, almost instantly, examples of specific ways I've been failing at this lately flooded my mind.
It's not that I consciously do the opposite. But reading it worded like this has opened my eyes to a specific role God created me to play in people's lives. And not just "people's" lives. My mom's, my dad's, my brother's, my sister's, my friends', and my classmates' lives. In what ways have I been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering my loved ones toward their true selves? If I asked myself that question about each person in my life specifically, I'm not sure I'd have specific enough examples for everybody. And that bothers me. Like I said earlier, I was able to come up with ways that I hadn't been encouraging, nurturing, and mothering without even consciously asking myself the question. So if I'm not effectively encouraging, nurturing, and mothering, does that mean I'm hindering the people I care about the most? Or worse, hurting them? Unfortunately, I think that may be true in some cases.
As a woman, I was created to reflect the tender, merciful, and alluring part of God's heart, along with His deep desire for intimacy and relationship. It's a pretty big responsibility, being created in the image of the God of the universe. And I can't effectively bear His glorious image on my own strength, no matter how hard I try.
God is really working in my heart and making me more sensitive to His. He's showing me what I need, as well as what the people I love need from me. I'm learning how to love people better and more deeply by offering who I was created to be to those He's placed in my life. He's showing my my unique gifts. He's showing me how to encourage, to nurture, and to mother the people I love toward their true selves. And He's showing me that I have the ability and the capacity to bring forth life by simply being who I am.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Come Away
My precious Kaila,
Come away with Me,
Come away with Me.
It's never too late,
It's not too late,
It's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you,
I have a plan for you,
It's gonna be wild,
It's gonna be great,
It's gonna be full of Me.
Come away with Me.
I love you,
You're beautiful,
You captivate Me.
Always,
Your Heavenly Father
[Come Away/Let Me In by Jesus Culture]
Come away with Me,
Come away with Me.
It's never too late,
It's not too late,
It's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you,
I have a plan for you,
It's gonna be wild,
It's gonna be great,
It's gonna be full of Me.
Come away with Me.
I love you,
You're beautiful,
You captivate Me.
Always,
Your Heavenly Father
[Come Away/Let Me In by Jesus Culture]
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My Untold Story: Beauty in the Breakdown
"There's so much wrong with you.
You're too much work.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
A girl like you can't possibly be beautiful.
A girl like you isn't even worth loving.
You're ruined, and eventually everyone's going to realize it.
When they do, they'll leave, because you're not worth the trouble."
These are just a few of the lies I have been living under for as long as I can remember. This has been my mindset for years, and unfortunately I believed every word with all my heart. It became my identity.
I've always worked really hard to seem okay. I continued to believe the lies and hoped nobody would notice. I've always had trouble opening up to people because of this. I felt as though the only way to keep my friends was to hide how horrible I was. For a while I was doing a really good job.
For years I have struggled with severe anxiety. Last semester I reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore, so I confided in my family. They were shocked. I had managed to hide it so well that they had no idea I was struggling, because up until then that was exactly what I had wanted. I began seeing a counselor in October, and in November my doctor started me on antidepressants. These were two of the most difficult, humbling, and rewarding decisions I've ever made.
It's been an uphill battle to say the least. However, the medication has helped immensely, and my panic attacks are now very few and far between. Counseling is a challenge mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; but I couldn't be happier with the help I'm getting. I'm identifying and addressing deeply rooted emotional struggles that fuel my anxiety and my poor self esteem. I literally learn something new about myself every week.
Having my anxiety under control has been a long-awaited answer to prayer. Unfortunately, the relief from anxiety was giving me a better focus on the lies I believed about myself. Having identified the anxiety somehow amplified them. I accepted myself as damaged goods and tried to keep living that way.
Last weekend I went to Fort Collins to spend time with my family. On Friday night, I sat in bed with my sister, Courtney, and broke down about how I had been feeling. I can't even begin to describe the love and compassion in her voice and in her tears as she listened to me pour my heart out. When I finished, she took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kaila, you weren't meant to live like this." She told me things I had heard and read a million times, but somehow this time was different. She was so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, and her words were dripping with God's truth and authority. She told me that all the feelings I had described to her were lies from the devil. Then she prayed healing over me in a way that I can't even describe, and she told me I needed to confront the lies because Satan has no power over me. One by one we confronted every single lie I had been living under, and I claimed Christ's healing, and I believed it! I physically felt the heaviness that I had grown so used to lift from my chest. I can't even put the feelings into words. He delivered me, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel beautiful! :)
I'm coming to the realization that for years I've been trying so hard to be something that I'm not. I put all my effort into hiding myself from people in order to be the ideal friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. But that's not me. I'm complicated, emotional, and a little uptight. I'm not very laid back, and I usually have preferences. Sometimes I get anxious and I'm always quick to tears. But that's okay with me. I'm discovering who I am--who God created me to be--and I'm determined to be just that. I'm not the world's idea of perfect, but I don't have to be.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I am beautiful.
I am worth loving.
I am a daughter of the King.
In Him I have been made complete.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139:14
You're too much work.
Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
A girl like you can't possibly be beautiful.
A girl like you isn't even worth loving.
You're ruined, and eventually everyone's going to realize it.
When they do, they'll leave, because you're not worth the trouble."
These are just a few of the lies I have been living under for as long as I can remember. This has been my mindset for years, and unfortunately I believed every word with all my heart. It became my identity.
I've always worked really hard to seem okay. I continued to believe the lies and hoped nobody would notice. I've always had trouble opening up to people because of this. I felt as though the only way to keep my friends was to hide how horrible I was. For a while I was doing a really good job.
For years I have struggled with severe anxiety. Last semester I reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore, so I confided in my family. They were shocked. I had managed to hide it so well that they had no idea I was struggling, because up until then that was exactly what I had wanted. I began seeing a counselor in October, and in November my doctor started me on antidepressants. These were two of the most difficult, humbling, and rewarding decisions I've ever made.
It's been an uphill battle to say the least. However, the medication has helped immensely, and my panic attacks are now very few and far between. Counseling is a challenge mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; but I couldn't be happier with the help I'm getting. I'm identifying and addressing deeply rooted emotional struggles that fuel my anxiety and my poor self esteem. I literally learn something new about myself every week.
Having my anxiety under control has been a long-awaited answer to prayer. Unfortunately, the relief from anxiety was giving me a better focus on the lies I believed about myself. Having identified the anxiety somehow amplified them. I accepted myself as damaged goods and tried to keep living that way.
Last weekend I went to Fort Collins to spend time with my family. On Friday night, I sat in bed with my sister, Courtney, and broke down about how I had been feeling. I can't even begin to describe the love and compassion in her voice and in her tears as she listened to me pour my heart out. When I finished, she took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Kaila, you weren't meant to live like this." She told me things I had heard and read a million times, but somehow this time was different. She was so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, and her words were dripping with God's truth and authority. She told me that all the feelings I had described to her were lies from the devil. Then she prayed healing over me in a way that I can't even describe, and she told me I needed to confront the lies because Satan has no power over me. One by one we confronted every single lie I had been living under, and I claimed Christ's healing, and I believed it! I physically felt the heaviness that I had grown so used to lift from my chest. I can't even put the feelings into words. He delivered me, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I feel beautiful! :)
I'm coming to the realization that for years I've been trying so hard to be something that I'm not. I put all my effort into hiding myself from people in order to be the ideal friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. But that's not me. I'm complicated, emotional, and a little uptight. I'm not very laid back, and I usually have preferences. Sometimes I get anxious and I'm always quick to tears. But that's okay with me. I'm discovering who I am--who God created me to be--and I'm determined to be just that. I'm not the world's idea of perfect, but I don't have to be.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I am beautiful.
I am worth loving.
I am a daughter of the King.
In Him I have been made complete.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139:14
Thursday, February 24, 2011
God is GOOD!
This summer I have the incredible opportunity to travel to Cambodia with MILL missions. Myself and 12 other amazing people will spend two weeks working with rescued victims of slavery and human trafficking. We will be entering into such a delicate and God-starved environment, and we have the immense privilege of showing God's love to people who may have never experienced love in it's purest, simplest form. The more I learn about Cambodia, the more God breaks my heart for the people there. His people there. People who have been so completely broken and wounded that nothing but God's love and presence can heal them. To be honest, I'm still a little shocked that God is trusting me with such a huge responsibility.
I absolutely knew without a doubt that God wanted me to apply for this trip the minute it was presented at theMILL. People are always asking me, "Why Cambodia?" And I don't even really have an answer. I just knew.
This entire process has consisted of nothing but answered prayer. I prayed so hard that out of the 50+ people who applied to go to Cambodia, I would be one of the 13 chosen to go. And I was! I've prayed that he would provide me with the financial support I need. And he has! The day before I found out that I had a week before my $200 deposit was due, my roommate Autumn came to me and told me that she wanted to donate to my trip. How much? $200. Before I even knew to worry about coming up with the money, God provided it. Tomorrow is my second financial deadline, and $100 more is due. Last week I received two checks in the mail totaling $75, and I was planning on writing a check to cover the difference. I came home from clinical today and found an envelope on the table addressed to me with a $150 check inside. Since then, I haven't stopped smiling, because God has continued to reassure me every step of the way that he truly does want me in Cambodia.
And finally having confidence in one thing that I know I'm meant for is the best feeling in the world.
I absolutely knew without a doubt that God wanted me to apply for this trip the minute it was presented at theMILL. People are always asking me, "Why Cambodia?" And I don't even really have an answer. I just knew.
This entire process has consisted of nothing but answered prayer. I prayed so hard that out of the 50+ people who applied to go to Cambodia, I would be one of the 13 chosen to go. And I was! I've prayed that he would provide me with the financial support I need. And he has! The day before I found out that I had a week before my $200 deposit was due, my roommate Autumn came to me and told me that she wanted to donate to my trip. How much? $200. Before I even knew to worry about coming up with the money, God provided it. Tomorrow is my second financial deadline, and $100 more is due. Last week I received two checks in the mail totaling $75, and I was planning on writing a check to cover the difference. I came home from clinical today and found an envelope on the table addressed to me with a $150 check inside. Since then, I haven't stopped smiling, because God has continued to reassure me every step of the way that he truly does want me in Cambodia.
And finally having confidence in one thing that I know I'm meant for is the best feeling in the world.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Cease Striving
"O Lord, my heart is not proud,
nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever."
-Psalm 131
Life is busy. School is busier. Most of the time I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but as soon as things actually start to slow down it feels like it's all gonna fall apart. Free time tends to catch me off guard, and I'm realizing that I've actually gotten comfortable being outrageously busy. Having time to myself actually allows me to think about the stress, the feelings, and the emotions, and it's almost like I've forgotten how to handle it.
This morning at New Life, Pastor Brady talked about Sabbath. Sabbath is a concept I've always been familiar with, but had a hard time actually applying to my life. I literally can't afford to waste time resting. But the sermon this morning was a much-needed reminder. Remembering the Sabbath is one of the ten commandments. We are commanded to rest. The Sabbath was designed as a time of rest, healing, and restoration. We need it.
Recently, I've been asking God why I feel like I'm falling apart, and why suddenly, when I have time to step back and process things, why I feel so completely abandoned. But what I'm realizing is that God is providing me with time to rest and time to seek him. He's been answering my prayers left and right, just not always in the ways I expect. Lately, he has provided me with countless opportunities to "Cease striving and know that I am God," (Psalm 46:10, NASB). One thing Pastor Brady said this morning that really struck me was that it's not necessarily about whether or not you're always hearing God's voice, but whether you're acknowledging his continual presence in your life. I don't necessarily understand what God's doing right now, but I don't have to. I'm choosing to see this as an opportunity to rest and for God to strengthen my faith in him. I wish I didn't have to learn this lesson over and over again, but I'm just thankful that He's still willing to teach it to me.
I often find myself wishing life was simpler, but that would mean I'd have everything figured out. Then life would basically be pointless...the road to simple is a crazy one.
"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You." -Psalm 56:3
nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever."
-Psalm 131
Life is busy. School is busier. Most of the time I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but as soon as things actually start to slow down it feels like it's all gonna fall apart. Free time tends to catch me off guard, and I'm realizing that I've actually gotten comfortable being outrageously busy. Having time to myself actually allows me to think about the stress, the feelings, and the emotions, and it's almost like I've forgotten how to handle it.
This morning at New Life, Pastor Brady talked about Sabbath. Sabbath is a concept I've always been familiar with, but had a hard time actually applying to my life. I literally can't afford to waste time resting. But the sermon this morning was a much-needed reminder. Remembering the Sabbath is one of the ten commandments. We are commanded to rest. The Sabbath was designed as a time of rest, healing, and restoration. We need it.
Recently, I've been asking God why I feel like I'm falling apart, and why suddenly, when I have time to step back and process things, why I feel so completely abandoned. But what I'm realizing is that God is providing me with time to rest and time to seek him. He's been answering my prayers left and right, just not always in the ways I expect. Lately, he has provided me with countless opportunities to "Cease striving and know that I am God," (Psalm 46:10, NASB). One thing Pastor Brady said this morning that really struck me was that it's not necessarily about whether or not you're always hearing God's voice, but whether you're acknowledging his continual presence in your life. I don't necessarily understand what God's doing right now, but I don't have to. I'm choosing to see this as an opportunity to rest and for God to strengthen my faith in him. I wish I didn't have to learn this lesson over and over again, but I'm just thankful that He's still willing to teach it to me.
I often find myself wishing life was simpler, but that would mean I'd have everything figured out. Then life would basically be pointless...the road to simple is a crazy one.
"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You." -Psalm 56:3
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Victory Is Won
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23
Lately I'm realizing exactly how short I fall...
Life is full of ups and downs. Unfortunately, this semester has consisted primarily of downs for me, and every day feels like a hit or miss. It's discouraging, to say the least. So often I've felt like I have to conduct some extensive search in order to find God in all of this. I know and believe with all my heart that God is "...a very present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1). So why is it that I feel completely abandoned instead of rescued?
I've actually had that question answered in several different ways over the past couple of weeks. Too many for just one blog, in fact, so the rest will have to wait. It's one thing to feel abandoned, but another thing entirely to dwell on the feeling of abandonment rather than the hope we have in Jesus Christ. Well I've been dwelling in the wrong place for far too long. Somehow I got comfortable there. But I wasn't called to be comfortable. "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." - Romans 8:24-25. I can't always see God immediately in the midst of all this, but I believe He is there. And that gives me all the hope I need.
So back to Romans 3...this entire semester, and attempting to fix everything on my own and stay in control has shown me exactly how short I fall from God's glory. By reminding me how weak I am on my own, He's showing me how perfect He is. When I fall, rather than looking at myself or what I've done to deserve it, I'm learning to look up at my Savior and see His power and strength in comparison to my weakness. And every time I remember to look to Him for help first, I always, always find Him.
I've come to accept this season of my life for what it is: a season. Each and every day I'm being challenged to trust God a little bit more. But I find abundant peace in knowing that God is using this season of my life to make me more like Him. I have nothing to fear, the victory is won.
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
Lately I'm realizing exactly how short I fall...
Life is full of ups and downs. Unfortunately, this semester has consisted primarily of downs for me, and every day feels like a hit or miss. It's discouraging, to say the least. So often I've felt like I have to conduct some extensive search in order to find God in all of this. I know and believe with all my heart that God is "...a very present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1). So why is it that I feel completely abandoned instead of rescued?
I've actually had that question answered in several different ways over the past couple of weeks. Too many for just one blog, in fact, so the rest will have to wait. It's one thing to feel abandoned, but another thing entirely to dwell on the feeling of abandonment rather than the hope we have in Jesus Christ. Well I've been dwelling in the wrong place for far too long. Somehow I got comfortable there. But I wasn't called to be comfortable. "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." - Romans 8:24-25. I can't always see God immediately in the midst of all this, but I believe He is there. And that gives me all the hope I need.
So back to Romans 3...this entire semester, and attempting to fix everything on my own and stay in control has shown me exactly how short I fall from God's glory. By reminding me how weak I am on my own, He's showing me how perfect He is. When I fall, rather than looking at myself or what I've done to deserve it, I'm learning to look up at my Savior and see His power and strength in comparison to my weakness. And every time I remember to look to Him for help first, I always, always find Him.
I've come to accept this season of my life for what it is: a season. Each and every day I'm being challenged to trust God a little bit more. But I find abundant peace in knowing that God is using this season of my life to make me more like Him. I have nothing to fear, the victory is won.
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
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